50 shades of “better”

There really isn’t such a thing as “better” when discussing mental illness unless you’re talking about degrees of illness. I will never be “better” like someone who has had a broken arm can be considered “better” because the bone has mended. I will never be “better” like someone who had pneumonia is “better” because the pneumonia is gone.

But –

I am a million times “better” than I was ten years ago.

I have struggled, I have hit rock bottom and kept digging, I hurt the people I loved, I did horrible things to hurt myself.

But –

I am a million times “better” because I have learned strategies and I’m more in touch with my body and the way it talks to me. I listen to my doctors and my mother and Lancelot when they tell me I’m not acting like myself. I take care of myself. I take my medicine. I sleep.

But –

I won’t ever be cured, or healed, or however else you want to describe it. There will always be times of struggle. There will always be tweaks to meds. There will always be a need for therapy. There will always be constant care and feeding of the demon Bipolar, and that will always be my full time responsibility.

But –

That’s how I am “better” than I was ten years ago.

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so much to do, so little time to do it

That’s the finished lantern. Mom likes it so much that she’s trying to get me to make another.

My psych doc has added another med. It’s that tiny little coral colored one on the far left. It starts with a “p” but I can’t remember the exact name. The purpose is to help with the tremors. So far so good, though I haven’t hit a large enough dose to completely get rid of them. I am at a point where I can read my own writing more easily. That is EIGHTEEN pills and that’s just what I take at night. Oy.

Me and the most handsome man in the world had dinner with Mom on Friday night at my new favorite Tex-Mex restaurant. Good food and great company, how could you go wrong?

On Saturday we went to the summer art festival and I got some great new jewelry and some wearable art pieces. I can’t wait to wear them this week. We managed to get through it before the heat got too bad.

I do have a ton to do yet. Busy weekends don’t usually leave much time for getting productive things done. And I’m taking a class for work which also doesn’t help. But so far today at work I’ve been kicking ass and taking names, and that’s always good.

 

my body sounds like a bowl of rice krispies cereal, is that a good thing?

It’s no secret that getting older comes with some icky shit, like your body popping and sputtering at odd moments. Right now my back is reminding me that being on my feet, like I was last night at the glass studio, is going to result in being punished. I tried to mitigate it by wearing sandals that had a lot of cushion and support but evidently it wasn’t good enough.

Oh well, that’s why Ceiling Cat gave us Tylenol.

But hey, I am going to be rewarded for my pain. May I present to you the first phase of the Beautiful Purple Flower Lantern that also includes the Biggest Pain in the ASS Blue Butterfly…

The sample piece at the studio was more elaborate but it wasn’t really my style. I was going for a very clean, almost Japanese, kind of aesthetic. And then my dumbass decided I wanted to do a butterfly. Not sure what the fuck I was thinking.

I had wanted to share a picture of the new blue shawl I started but I left it in the car, so that ain’t gonna happen today. Let me, instead, show you the new hair…

The front bit is kind of coral and blonde and the rest is my standard dark purple. It feels much more “me” if that makes sense. And I’m totally grooving on the super short cut still. This takes zero maintenance, and for whatever reason that front bit insists on having the wave. But that’s perfectly fine. My dad’s hair had natural wave to it, so I’m wearing it proudly.

keeping the dream alive

You probably wouldn’t have guessed this about me, but I’m not necessarily excited about traveling for work. I should say that I’m not excited about traveling by myself for work, such as to a conference where I’m the only person going. And really, I just don’t find conferences all that enjoyable. I don’t usually feel that I learn a lot and for all the money someone had to pay for me to go it just isn’t worth it.

But I need to do the whole “professional development” thing. So what’s a girl to do?

Online workshops offered by another university that result in a certificate and Continuing Education credits. Aw yeah!

This morning I got signed up to start a six-week course that covers the fundamentals of online teaching, something I am totally passionate about. I’ve done another course with these folks and absolutely loved it. It’s kind of like the best possible combination of going to school and going to a conference. So yay!!!

Tonight I’m going back to another part of the Randomly Erin dream – I’m taking a class at the glass studio. It was damn near a year ago exactly that I did my last glass project, the lace vase.

glass vase project

This time I’ll be making a lantern. I’m super excited! I’m trying to get back to doing the creative bits that keep my soul happy.

The issues going on in my universe right now have reminded me that life is too short to be unhappy and taking care of myself by making time for my creative pursuits is part of staying happy.

so there i was, up to my chin in empty gin bottles and old popcorn bags, wearing a fluffy squirrel for a hat when suddenly…

Oh if only my life were that dull right now.

Life here has been very interesting but not in the “gee that sounds very interesting” sort of way, more in the “gee that shard of glass sticking out of your eyeball really does make it sparkle” kind of way.

There has been some family drama, which isn’t mine to tell but has certainly been taking a toll. There has been a bit of drama with Lancelot, but that’s so wee that I don’t even want to go into it. (and we’re seriously doing oodles better with the whole effective communication thing, it’s fabulous) And then there’s been the weather drama; some parts of these parts got FIVE MOTHERFUCKING INCHES OF HAIL this morning. I shit you not. Tonight isn’t looking much better on that front.

Anyway, I have been knitting. The Garden Shawlette got finished over the weekend and then this morning I cast on another shawl. It’s going to be delightfully easy and that makes it delightful. The shawl I’m leaving at L’s to work on during weekend TV time is also coming along quite nicely. This Thursday, that’s two days from now, right?, anyway, I’m taking a fused glass class that evening that I’m looking forward to. I haven’t done any glass stuff in ages.

Does anyone else get completely screwed up about what day (or year) it is when you have too many days off work? No? Must just be me.

In other news that no one really gives a rip about, I’m going back to having purple hair. The red was mildly interesting but not enough to stay. Oh, and I shaved L’s head Saturday morning. That was interesting and very fabulous. Nothing as relaxing as rubbing a freshly buzz cut head on the man you love.

He has the most beautiful smile in the whole wide universe.

randomly me

I feel fried, and I’m not even sure why. I’ve been getting quite a bit done lately, maybe that’s why? Who knows. At any rate I don’t have a ton to say right now but I did want to show a few pictures.

This is one of the shawls I’m working on. The pattern is called Garden Shawlette. I thought it would be prettier in a multi-color yarn that just a solid color. It’s a little more than half done at this point. It’s going to need a stern blocking.

That is little Garth sitting in the basement window sill, under a blue glass flower I made. He was just too silly.

unpopular opinions

I’m in a bit of foul fucking mood right now so I figure why not just do a little spewing…

  • I think a lot of people my age and younger have taken the whole “ink and pierce yourself” thing way too far
  • I truly believe that there are some items of clothing a woman my size should never wear, spandex being one of them
  • I am staunchly pro-choice. I don’t give a damn about a heart beat, my body means my choice.
  • I believe that birth control should be both free and freely available
  • I firmly believe in gun control
  • I think weed should be legal – tax it and regulate it, but make it legal
  • I think health care should be universal and free
  • I believe that education should be free
  • I believe that healthy food should be cheaper than the over processed shit that most of us end up eating
  • I believe that being kind should be something we all strive for