letting go

I need to write because I’m hurting and I need to process this but I’m not sure how.

I talked to Lancelot over lunch, like always. Something didn’t feel right. We talked, I tried asking him why he thinks I need to have his undivided attention all the time and why it annoys him.

He said that it gets overwhelming, kind of exhausting, and if I would tell him exactly what I want that might help. But he seemed really annoyed that I was even asking. I tried explaining that since we weren’t grumpy with each other it made sense to talk about it and that knowing more would help me change. I guess that was wrong.

In an attempt to keep the conversation going I asked him about the latest happenings with the fights he follows. He was happy to talk about that. I told him that I know that this is a priority for him and that if I want him, I get the fights as part of the package. Fine, I’ll take it.

I was also told that he’s tired of hearing about me being nervous about my trip to India. Worrying won’t change anything. Fine, I’m shutting up.

When we got off the phone I told him that something felt “off” because he hasn’t called me any of the usual pet names today. He just laughed. But he still didn’t use one of his special names for me. Totally stupid but it stung.

I don’t know what else to do other than just let go of some of this. If I want to stay with him I know I’ll be changing some of my behaviors and making compromises on the entertainment. I need to learn to just keep my issues to myself, maybe?

I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon and I’m hoping that helps. Right now I just want to cry. The last thing he said was that he loves me, so I know that things should be fine. I just have to keep telling myself that and keeping myself grounded by playing with my ring, squishing my stress panda, and looking at his picture.

I can do this, right?

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