truth hurts

Typing is hard right now. I’m shaking and crying and trying to remember that breathing is the key. Breathe.

The closer I get to going to India the worse my anxiety gets. I’m not much for traveling under the best of circumstances and going half way around the world literally freaks the fuck out of me. Evidently my anxiety is causing me to lean on someone too much.

I want too much. I’m insisting on things, evidently, things that I had no idea were problematic. Oddly enough, until you’re told that someone hates the color blue you probably have no idea, right?

At any rate, there was unpleasantness. I fear there is more to come, though I sincerely hope not. Regardless, the writing is now quite clearly on the wall, large enough for me to read now.

None of us really knows what the future holds. I was told today that someone is not in possession of a magic crystal ball. True dat. What I know about my future is that there is an appointment with the psych doc this afternoon and then there will be some recovery tonight.

The time has come to dust off my bag of tricks. As tempting as it is to fall back on my old “skills” I know they don’t serve me and so I won’t. But honestly, I would near sell my soul for just one Marlboro Ultra Light 100 right now.

Instead I will breathe, squeeze my panda, and hope that I’m wrong about a few things.

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