why must we do this to ourselves

I can’t even say that I really understand the origins of Daylight Saving Time because really, we aren’t “saving” a damn thing. The earth still takes 24 hours to make a full revolution around the sun. Yes, at certain times of year we get less of the light because of the tilt in the earth’s axis.

DEAL WITH IT.

Adjusting the clocks by an hour is like cutting fabric off the bottom of a blanket, sewing it to the top, and declaring that you’ve just “added” time. (not my original quote, some very wise Native American man is credited with it)

At any rate, the time change in the autumn always fucks me up. And it’s a silly thing really, but my body/brain always has a hard time making that adjustment. I’m like an animal that’s conditioned to eat dinner promptly at 5pm, and I don’t give a fuck if the clock says it’s only 4pm. Feed me, or else.

Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be feeling a little more like myself again.

creative goodies

Marlene had left me a comment about the beaded ornaments I mentioned so I thought I would try to show you all one of them. Apologies for the less than fantastic photo, I still shake and didn’t think to setup a better photo shoot this morning.

That one is a small glass ornament that I’ve done bead netting around using two colors of green size 11 beads, a different green in size 8 for the connecting points, and then I accented the dangles on the bottom with some red bicone crystals. I did a few others in a very similar style but with different color combinations and dangly bits. They take me a few hours to make on average.

I also did a few larger ornaments that are more disc shaped than the traditional globe shape. I used alcohol ink on the inside to give a little bit of color and then made dangle bits that are hung from the holes in the silver part at the top where the hook goes in. These were a lot quicker and quite a bit different than what I would normally do, but I like how they turned out.

I’ve done a variety of things with ornaments over the years, some more successful than others. One of the things I used to do quite a bit, that was reasonably cheap and easy, was to take the larger clear glass globe ornaments, take the top off, and then drip acrylic paint inside. I would use a few colors, usually no more than 3, swirl it around a bit, and then set them upside down in old egg cartons to drain and dry.

Having the paint on the inside protects it from getting scratched off and it helps this to be one of the less messy projects involving paints. It’s also great for people who claim to not be creative, have less than fantastic fine motor control, and small children.

psych update

Things seem to be going reasonably well. I haven’t been getting quite as much sleep as I know I should and I also know that’s contributing to my feelings of frustration lately. My fuse is shorter than I would like at times, but I’m generally able to keep it from reaching the sticks of dynamite, so I consider that a “win.”

I’m trying to dig into my bag of DBT skills and be the best “me” I can be. My self-care habits/routines are still in place and I have still been able to control my temper. I see all of that as positive. I also felt well enough mentally this weekend that I went and met with a group of knitters at the public library. It was good to get out of my safe zone and talk to other women.

numb, but not like that

It’s not a secret that I’m not a fan of the dentist. Dentists, the human beings, are just fine. They’re generally delightful people, actually. It’s the profession and what they want to do inside my mouth that I take issue with. But I’m trying to get back to doing the regular, big kid sorts of things I should do to take care of my teeth so this morning found me in a dentist chair getting a filling. I’m very proud to say that it only took the addition of nitrous to get me to tolerate the shots. But now one side of my face is well and truly numb.

I’m also trying to get on top of some other health issues, like my weight and my sleep and the fact that the nephrologist thinks the lithium I take for the Bipolar may well be causing kidney disease. Yeah, super not excited about that. So I’ve had a bunch of blood work and now tomorrow Lancelot and I are going to talk to my psychiatrist to see what can be done.

I am also working on my diet to improve it and I bought one of those fitness tracker things to help keep track of activity and sleep. Hopefully the combination of all this will make a difference.

I continue to work on creative projects, though a little slowly it seems. Over the weekend I finished the Crest of the Wave shawl which turned out lovely. I also started working on a Sherlock Holmes LEGO kit that is almost done. I definite need a balance of “productive” time and “play” time. And I think I’m going to try to get back to some of my old hobbies, like blogging. I’m going to try to write once a week.

Garth says it’s all about him anyway

it’s not my time

I don’t have many “IRL” friends (people I know in real life) which is fine, but it means that my support network isn’t very big. It’s all about quality in my world, not quantity. I would rather have one amazing friend I can call in the middle of the night than a whole stadium full of people who kinda sorta know me but don’t want me to ever call them. I would guess I’m not the only person who has ever dealt with this.

In my friend network I am one of the oldest and I’ve been diagnosed and in treatment for my mental illness longest, all to say that I tend to be the most stable and the most able to provide a shoulder to lean on. I take my Mama Hen role seriously and the majority of the time I enjoy taking care of my chicks.

Right now I’m struggling. I’m not sure why, and it’s not awful, but struggle is struggle and this struggle is real. Lancelot is helping, making sure I’m taking care of myself and doing his best to give me what I ask for. But I can’t rely just on him, that’s not fair. I will admit I’m not the best at asking for help, it’s just not my nature.

Yesterday I sent a text to a few friends saying that I wasn’t doing well. Like in those words. And got no response.

I know that they’re both struggling with their own things, and evidently they don’t need any help or they aren’t asking for any, so I’m just leaving that situation alone.

Maybe some day it will be my time? Maybe?

I’ve been trying to knit amidst taking naps. I’m still working on the Cable it Up scarf and still entirely loving it. The yarn is really nice to work with and the pattern is delightfully straightforward. The pattern is free on Ravelry.

when life gets better

Tomorrow ain’t looking good either, just sayin’

It’s been roughly 15 years since I was diagnosed, officially, with a mental illness. I was just shy of 30 years old and admitted to my therapist that my plan was to leave her office and OD on meds. I wish I could say that was the low point, but it wasn’t.

I’ve attempted suicide four times since then, once landing myself in the ICU. I’ve done some truly ridiculous things because my brain shouldn’t have been trusted and I almost completely lacked effective coping skills. But because my mom is stubborn as fuck, and I have an amazing psychiatric team, here I am. And here I’ll stay.

Nothing tastes better than being in control of yourself

Here are just a few things I’ve learned on my journey that might help you on yours.

Don’t stop taking your meds without talking to your doctor, please. If you don’t feel like they’re working or that the side effects suck too much, talk to your doctor. There are lots of other things you can try with their guidance.

When you hit rock bottom, put down the shovel and quit fucking digging. We all have that limit; figure out where yours is and then respect it. Reach out for help.

Try to understand that you aren’t the only one who feels this way; there are lots of us who have been there and can empathize.

Also try to understand that just because today sucks does not mean that tomorrow will also suck. Trust me on this one.

If you haven’t already, try seeing a therapist. Just like not all psych docs are created equal, not all therapists are created equal. But there is a good fit out there for you. Trust me on this one, too.

It really does get better. For me it took hitting what turned out to be Utter and Absolute rock bottom and then being helped back up by my mom, some amazing friends, and great psych support. I am very happy to say that for the past five years I’ve been in a place that scares the hell out of me because I had never known “normal” as an adult. Normal is amazing, and it’s boring, and it’s beautiful.

Normal for me is a place where I can be bouncy and giggly and energetic or I can be quiet and a little sad and I can cry, and all of those things are perfectly ok.

If you need something, ask for it. If you never ask the question the answer will always be no.

no sympathy

I very clearly remember when the pandemic really hit my part of the world. We got enough warning at the university to help get the faculty ready to abruptly shift everything to be taught online and then that was it. The last day I actually got to work in my own office was March 20, 2020. I remember because that was the day before my birthday and it was the day everything shut down.

Lancelot and I both got the vaccine as soon as we were able to, more than a year after the bottom fell out of the world. I felt very fortunate to be able to do my part to protect not only myself but also those around me. We also both got booster shots as soon as we were able to, again happy to do so.

In our eyes this is nothing more “wicked” than a flu shot and we get those every year. I understand that a vaccine like this isn’t guaranteed protection, but they’ve proven time and time again that they help keep you out of the hospital if you do get COVID.

This week I’ve had two coworkers test positive, both are vaccinated and both had mild symptoms that are much like a nasty cold, but definitely not serious enough to be in the hospital. I feel bad that they’re sick, but I know they’ll get better.

By contrast I have a close friend who’s sister and brother in law believe the pandemic is a hoax and the vaccine is some government conspiracy, so they’re not vaccinated. They’re also both being transferred to the ICU this morning. I can’t bring myself to feel bad and at this point, their odds for leaving the hospital healthy are not great.

The moral of my story is that each of us has the ability to help end this pandemic. It’s taken a toll on our economies, our mental health, and our physical health. Damn near everything has changed and I truly don’t believe we’ll do the whole “return to normal” bullshit. That version of normal was kind of awful. But we get to start fresh with some stuff, make it better.

But we have to start by getting rid of The Rona.

Get the vaccine, get the booster, get your kids vaccinated, wash your hands, use that sanitizer stuff, wear a damn mask. And for fuck sake, if you’re sick just STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE.

Because here’s how this works – if you aren’t vaccinated and you die, I will have no sympathy for you at all. Seems to me like you brought that on yourself.

I would take a little boredom right now, thanks…

Yesterday I had a root canal, the starting work of a crown for that tooth, and I think maybe a filling, I’m honestly not sure. I truly hate having dental work done and so about the only way to get me to tolerate it is to sedate the hell out of me. And that’s what they did.

I was in the chair all told about 5 hours. I remember sort of waking up at the end because my body ached, not my mouth. I kept trying to remove something from my face and my right arm was really sore. At any rate, I don’t really remember much of anything yesterday. My mom and Lancelot did a great job taking care of me.

And now here we are at the Thanksgiving holiday tomorrow. One of my dear friends has offered to host so we’re bringing side dishes. I think every family has their own food traditions that go with the holidays. For my family we always had turkey for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and it was always served with sausage dressing (same as stuffing but not cooked inside the bird), mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, a cranberry Jell-o salad, and dill pickles stuffed with cream cheese.

Don’t ask cuz I don’t know.

What I do know is I could easily eat my body weight in that dressing. Last year I made extra and wrapped it up really good in an aluminum pan and tucked in the freezer. We ate it last week and it was still as good as the day I put it together.

This is not the recipe for the best dressing in the world, I’d have to look that up. This is a sort of recipe for the smoothie we’ve been drinking a lot lately. You’ll need 2 bananas, unsweetened coconut milk, and pineapple juice (the no sugar added kind). For that many bananas I typically use 1 1/2 C of the coconut milk and juice, but you can adjust to taste; just go for equal parts. Either blend all of that with ice or blend and pour over ice, depending on how big your blender is.

so there I was, hip deep in yarn bands contemplating the virtues of bamboo needles versus metal when suddenly…

WTF?? This is most certainly not what I want

Garth is of the opinion, like most cats, that anywhere he plops down for a nap is his bed, and good luck telling him otherwise. He doesn’t share. He also has a tendency to find where Eric is napping and steal that spot from him by just being obnoxious until Eric gets up and leaves.

As I was sitting in my chair knitting on a relatively boring cowl, drinking my tea and watching the news this morning I realized that all of “this” – my morning routine – is likely going to change when Lancelot is working from home. But then, maybe it won’t. It got me thinking about routines and that maybe this is a perfect opportunity for me to re-evaluate some of mine to see if they really are still beneficial. I see the difference between “routine” and “rut” as pretty damn subtle, though highly significant.

It’s still going to be important for me to have consistent “go to bed / wake up” times because sleep is so crucial in managing my Bipolar. I feel like it’s also going to be important to have some time in the mornings to do a little knitting and enjoy my cup of tea. That’s almost more of a ritual at this point, and I feel that it does serve me exceptionally well.

Some of the things I do that feel sort of standard like menu planning and getting my outfits together for the week will certainly stay, though I’m hoping to be able to get L more involved with the menu because I think it would be great to get him more involved with cooking. (he has expressed an interest in this, so yay) I also anticipate some of the household chores will either stay the same or at least be pretty similar.

I honestly think the biggest difference will be with my nighttime routines. For a while I had been trying to shut down all of my electronics at 7pm and then pick up a book and read until 8pm when I went to bed. That lasted until I finished the book I was reading and sadly I have yet to get into a new book. I’m hoping that I can shift my bedtime until 9pm (since I won’t need to get up quite so early anymore) and then come up to my office at 8pm and read. I anticipate that time would allow L a little extra time in the evening to wind down how he prefers so that we both get better sleep. I hope anyway.

Today I love… hot tea with honey and cream, I love that there are no external meetings today so I can be a little extra casual, I love that today is chicken noodle soup day, I love that the cowl is coming out beautiful and I’m glad I decided to go with a non-pattern to let the beauty of the yarn shine through

time for a change

Change is easily one of the most nerve-wracking things in the entire universe. But when things aren’t right, or going well, it’s sometimes necessary. And sometimes the universe takes the choice out of your hands by tossing you in the middle of something like, oh I don’t know, a global fucking pandemic.

I would like to think that I handle changes fairly well. (maybe I don’t) I know that some situations are easier because the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel” can be seen and determined to not be an oncoming freight train. But maybe it’s just because my mental illnesses have taught me that rolling with it is sometimes less of a challenge than fighting it.

Regardless, there are times when change is necessary and it has to be you who initiates it.

If you never ask the question, the answer will always be no.

Lancelot has worked at the same place, doing the same thing essentially, for 22 years. It’s finally gotten to him (I’ll spare you the gory details) and he’s put in his notice. This is scary for him but he told me yesterday that the time had come.

He’s worked an overnight shift the entire time we’ve known each other. We haven’t ever had more than 9 days in a row on the same schedule. I am beyond excited to finally get to spend more time with my husband.

More importantly, I’m excited for him to have the opportunity to have better sleep. I truly believe that sleep is the foundation of good health regardless of what’s going on with your mental health, and working the shift he has makes sleep trickier than usual. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy, and I feel that this is a huge step in that direction.

Today I love… changing things up, I love that the veggie curry and tofu I made for Meatless Monday turned out phenomenal, I love that the cowl I’m working on is striping in a delightful way, I love that I’m doing a workshop this afternoon and I hadn’t realized how much I’ve missed doing those, and I love that waking up to critter snuggles will soon include waking up to my husband

spin it ’til you win it

I feel incredibly fortunate that since the pandemic started Lancelot and I have only had to be tested twice. The first time was prior to the full vaccine roll-out and that was because I had some other unpleasant virus that was not The Rona. The second time was on Friday because one of L’s coworkers, who is also fully vaccinated at this point and very careful, tested positive. We felt that the responsible thing to do, particularly given that both of us are fighting some kind of upper respiratory yuck, was to go for testing.

I don’t mind doing the responsible grown up thing at all, especially in a situation like this. We went for the tests and then went home, neither of us leaving the house until… well, we actually still haven’t – just give me a minute here.

We had seriously stocked up on groceries the weekend before so all we needed were a few bits for the week, figuring that if we did have The Rona we would be staying isolated for at least 7 days. Everything we needed could be ordered online and then delivered to the house that afternoon for a small fee that we agreed was worth it. So we settled in to wait.

Mitts!

Lancelot worked on a massive LEGO project he’s got going and I knit. A lot. I started those mitts on 11/3 and finished them on 11/6. It’s a pattern that I modified the hell out of and done with leftover yarn from a shawl. Good stuff. I also got some work done on a holiday gift, a lace scarf I’m making for me, and I started a very basic cowl.

We cooked together, we watched goofy TV together, and just kind of had a delightful extended weekend together. It was marred only by neither of us feeling particularly grand. But on Sunday we got the results and neither of us actually has The Rona, just nasty colds or something. L was scheduled to go back to work last night but there was some kind of fuck up with them needing the test results and he still kind of feels like shit so he stayed home (yay!).

And that is why we still haven’t left the house. I am 100% fine with that. Can’t say as I am super thrilled to be back to working today, but it is what it is. At least I look fabulous.

Edgar

It’s getting significantly cooler here now so I’ve decided it’s high time I start adding knit accessories back into my wardrobe. This is my version of the Edgar scarf made with much smaller needles and using Lang’s Mille Colori Baby. I only had the one skein of yarn and had purchased it just because the colors are appealing, so it was the perfect fit. I would recommend both the pattern and the yarn.

Right now I am sitting with my full-spectrum lamp trying to stay ahead of my seasonal affective disorder. The colder, darker months are hard for many of us and this is the best way I’ve found to help. My psychiatrist recommended this in part because you really can’t overdo it. I love that she combines the best of modern medicine with “remedies” that are based in science.

Today I love… not being seriously sick, I love that I finished a pair of fingerless mitts yesterday (that were started on Wednesday), I love that time in “quarantine” has meant a lot of knitting time for me, I love that last night’s dinner had 5 ingredients and required minimal effort and tasted phenomenal, and I love that the weather is getting cool enough to wear handknits more often

and now for weekend update…

It’s done!!!

This is a vest pattern that I found online and then, in true Erin fashion, I modified the shit out of it. It’s really just a large rectangle with strategically placed armholes and I made it with this really interesting yarn I got on clearance online that is not only soft but has tiny red sequins. It fits much better than I feared it would.

I’ve spent some time this weekend trying to finish some pieces and I’ve made progress. Sitting next to me are two scarves that have now been blocked and just need the ends woven in. I also did the sewing bits on a scarf I decided did not need blocking and a cowl. Plus, I finally finished these lil things.

Headbands

This is another heavily modified pattern. The original was lovely, but it stretched too much for my liking. So I decided to add ties for a completely custom fit. I love that these take so little yarn. Pictured here are two different bits of Koigu I had in my stash.

We’ve also run errands this weekend, a lot of errands. The good news is that my house has never had so much food in it. The bad news is that I’m scared to open several of the cupboards because they’re just that full. Part of this is I got paid yesterday (I get paid once a month) and part of it is that I’m wanting to keep stocked on our essentials due to the shortages that we’ve experienced during this plague. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hoarding supplies, it’s more that I keep a few extras of most things on hand. One thing I have learned about myself is if I have food on hand that adds up to a meal I am much more inclined to cook a nutritious meal.

Synchronized bathing

I have two scarves, two shawls, a cowl, and a crocheted toy yet to finish before the end of the year (most of that before the holidays). I’ve been trying to motivate myself to work on one thing at a time, at least primarily, so that I get to that “feeling of accomplishment” place more quickly. I’ve also stopped social media interaction almost entirely because I realized that I was spending so much time on random nonsense that I didn’t have time to live and enjoy my real life. I haven’t deleted the accounts yet, but I practically never check anything. I do still post on Instagram once in awhile, but that feels much less intrusive.

I think we all need to be reminded of this now and then