don’t spend time looking in the rearview mirror, that’s not where you’re going, look to your future instead

I’m feeling it more that the end of the year is fast approaching. While I firmly believe in focusing my energy on the future and only looking to the past for those important “lessons learned,” I don’t think it’s horrible to do a little self-reflection. And the closer it gets to the end of the calendar year the more I feel that tug in my brain to do just that.

I’m intending to do a slightly more formal review of the goals I had set for 2021 and a grand reveal of the ones I’m setting for 2022, but that’s a post for another day. These are more along the lines of life lessons I’ve learned this year.

1. Not all food prep is the same, and I get bored with a lot of it real fucking quick. I would say that frozen smoothie packs have probably been the most successful, followed closely by keeping hard boiled eggs in the fridge.
2. Whole Foods has the best produce in our area and it’s totally worth it. Because of this I also learned that I love parsnips.
3. I really like to cook Indian food, maybe because I really like to eat Indian food.
4. Supporting small local businesses is a wonderful thing and we should all try to do it more often.
5. Being happy is VITALLY IMPORTANT.
6. I can be 45 years old and still be stylish. It’s not only allowed but it’s encouraged.
7. I still love to read.
8. It takes a whole village to keep a human happy and healthy, and those people include the “family we choose” and should not be taken for granted. The pandemic has showed me how vital that small group of tight-knit friends really are.
9. It took being married to three men who were not right for me to realize that Lancelot is indeed right and necessary for my happiness. If that man isn’t my soul mate then I don’t know what that really means. With everything we’ve gone through already I can’t imagine having done this with anyone else by my side.
10. A tight hug from the right person when you really need it is amazingly restorative. It’s the very best OTC remedy to soothe the soul.

Today I love… starting to set goals for next year, wearing an old scarf with new earrings, going to a glass tonight for the first time in ages, that L is taking over more in the kitchen, and more progress on projects

update on projects in the works, OR, when Erin comes clean about the many many things she’s trying to do

I would like to think that I’m better at reining in the number of projects I’m working on at one time, but let’s be honest, I am 100% not good at that at all. I typically love the projects but sometimes they bore me to tears and I feel like I need to get something new going like right this second. Having new yarn arrive the other day did nothing to help the situation. So here goes, a full accounting of what I’m working on…

Kitty amigurumi – this is for our new niece who should be born in January. It’s probably at least half done and it’s such a small project that I’m not sure why I just can’t get it finished.

Skewed shawl – I bought this cake of mohair yarn on an absolute whim and then could find just ONE pattern that uses it. And I’m not super excited about it.

Lace scarf – this is fine, but it’s boring. The yarn is soft, does this rainbow color block thing that’s lovely, but the pattern is just a two row repeat and the yarn is sock weight. It’s taking absolutely forever. But this is the project I take with me for things like doc visits when I know I’ll be spending some time waiting. It’s also good TV knitting.

Lotus cowl – sock weight yarn, lace, and beads, need I say more? I’m about 1/3 of the way done with this but unlike that lace scarf this is one that has to be done with plenty of solitude and quietness. Assuming I ever actually finish it this will be stunning.

Holiday gift – I’m not sure who all reads this blog so I’m going to play this safe and be super vague. The yarn is great, the pattern is great, but it’s a bit fussy. I would say I’m probably at least 1/3 of the way done and should have no trouble finishing by Christmas.

Rectangulum – this is the new kid. I had the pattern saved in my Ravelry library but didn’t have enough of any one sock yarn to make this the way I wanted to, at least not until that latest batch of yarn arrived. I’ll be making this with two balls of Louisa Harding’s Pittura in the “Sleeping Venus” colorway. This pattern also requires buttons and thanks to Mom I have a whole jar full. I found several colors I’ll be using and it’ll be perfect.

I’ve also got a jewelry project that I started ages ago that really should get finished, plus several more kits for jewelry, oh and some felting kits as well. Truly, I have enough project fodder to last at least the next year, probably longer. But I like to stay busy and I hate being bored.

Today I love… new knitting projects, I love overnight oats and how that means less fussing in the morning, I love that Dino (my friend’s kitty; I’m critter sitting this week) hung out with me yesterday for a bit, I love that Lancelot only has 2 shifts left, and I love that being hyper-organized really does work for me

Super basic knit cowl made with a single ball of Queensland Collection Perth yarn in the Tasmanian Bay colorway (rich jeweltones)

so there I was, hip deep in yarn bands contemplating the virtues of bamboo needles versus metal when suddenly…

WTF?? This is most certainly not what I want

Garth is of the opinion, like most cats, that anywhere he plops down for a nap is his bed, and good luck telling him otherwise. He doesn’t share. He also has a tendency to find where Eric is napping and steal that spot from him by just being obnoxious until Eric gets up and leaves.

As I was sitting in my chair knitting on a relatively boring cowl, drinking my tea and watching the news this morning I realized that all of “this” – my morning routine – is likely going to change when Lancelot is working from home. But then, maybe it won’t. It got me thinking about routines and that maybe this is a perfect opportunity for me to re-evaluate some of mine to see if they really are still beneficial. I see the difference between “routine” and “rut” as pretty damn subtle, though highly significant.

It’s still going to be important for me to have consistent “go to bed / wake up” times because sleep is so crucial in managing my Bipolar. I feel like it’s also going to be important to have some time in the mornings to do a little knitting and enjoy my cup of tea. That’s almost more of a ritual at this point, and I feel that it does serve me exceptionally well.

Some of the things I do that feel sort of standard like menu planning and getting my outfits together for the week will certainly stay, though I’m hoping to be able to get L more involved with the menu because I think it would be great to get him more involved with cooking. (he has expressed an interest in this, so yay) I also anticipate some of the household chores will either stay the same or at least be pretty similar.

I honestly think the biggest difference will be with my nighttime routines. For a while I had been trying to shut down all of my electronics at 7pm and then pick up a book and read until 8pm when I went to bed. That lasted until I finished the book I was reading and sadly I have yet to get into a new book. I’m hoping that I can shift my bedtime until 9pm (since I won’t need to get up quite so early anymore) and then come up to my office at 8pm and read. I anticipate that time would allow L a little extra time in the evening to wind down how he prefers so that we both get better sleep. I hope anyway.

Today I love… hot tea with honey and cream, I love that there are no external meetings today so I can be a little extra casual, I love that today is chicken noodle soup day, I love that the cowl is coming out beautiful and I’m glad I decided to go with a non-pattern to let the beauty of the yarn shine through

time for a change

Change is easily one of the most nerve-wracking things in the entire universe. But when things aren’t right, or going well, it’s sometimes necessary. And sometimes the universe takes the choice out of your hands by tossing you in the middle of something like, oh I don’t know, a global fucking pandemic.

I would like to think that I handle changes fairly well. (maybe I don’t) I know that some situations are easier because the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel” can be seen and determined to not be an oncoming freight train. But maybe it’s just because my mental illnesses have taught me that rolling with it is sometimes less of a challenge than fighting it.

Regardless, there are times when change is necessary and it has to be you who initiates it.

If you never ask the question, the answer will always be no.

Lancelot has worked at the same place, doing the same thing essentially, for 22 years. It’s finally gotten to him (I’ll spare you the gory details) and he’s put in his notice. This is scary for him but he told me yesterday that the time had come.

He’s worked an overnight shift the entire time we’ve known each other. We haven’t ever had more than 9 days in a row on the same schedule. I am beyond excited to finally get to spend more time with my husband.

More importantly, I’m excited for him to have the opportunity to have better sleep. I truly believe that sleep is the foundation of good health regardless of what’s going on with your mental health, and working the shift he has makes sleep trickier than usual. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy, and I feel that this is a huge step in that direction.

Today I love… changing things up, I love that the veggie curry and tofu I made for Meatless Monday turned out phenomenal, I love that the cowl I’m working on is striping in a delightful way, I love that I’m doing a workshop this afternoon and I hadn’t realized how much I’ve missed doing those, and I love that waking up to critter snuggles will soon include waking up to my husband

spin it ’til you win it

I feel incredibly fortunate that since the pandemic started Lancelot and I have only had to be tested twice. The first time was prior to the full vaccine roll-out and that was because I had some other unpleasant virus that was not The Rona. The second time was on Friday because one of L’s coworkers, who is also fully vaccinated at this point and very careful, tested positive. We felt that the responsible thing to do, particularly given that both of us are fighting some kind of upper respiratory yuck, was to go for testing.

I don’t mind doing the responsible grown up thing at all, especially in a situation like this. We went for the tests and then went home, neither of us leaving the house until… well, we actually still haven’t – just give me a minute here.

We had seriously stocked up on groceries the weekend before so all we needed were a few bits for the week, figuring that if we did have The Rona we would be staying isolated for at least 7 days. Everything we needed could be ordered online and then delivered to the house that afternoon for a small fee that we agreed was worth it. So we settled in to wait.

Mitts!

Lancelot worked on a massive LEGO project he’s got going and I knit. A lot. I started those mitts on 11/3 and finished them on 11/6. It’s a pattern that I modified the hell out of and done with leftover yarn from a shawl. Good stuff. I also got some work done on a holiday gift, a lace scarf I’m making for me, and I started a very basic cowl.

We cooked together, we watched goofy TV together, and just kind of had a delightful extended weekend together. It was marred only by neither of us feeling particularly grand. But on Sunday we got the results and neither of us actually has The Rona, just nasty colds or something. L was scheduled to go back to work last night but there was some kind of fuck up with them needing the test results and he still kind of feels like shit so he stayed home (yay!).

And that is why we still haven’t left the house. I am 100% fine with that. Can’t say as I am super thrilled to be back to working today, but it is what it is. At least I look fabulous.

Edgar

It’s getting significantly cooler here now so I’ve decided it’s high time I start adding knit accessories back into my wardrobe. This is my version of the Edgar scarf made with much smaller needles and using Lang’s Mille Colori Baby. I only had the one skein of yarn and had purchased it just because the colors are appealing, so it was the perfect fit. I would recommend both the pattern and the yarn.

Right now I am sitting with my full-spectrum lamp trying to stay ahead of my seasonal affective disorder. The colder, darker months are hard for many of us and this is the best way I’ve found to help. My psychiatrist recommended this in part because you really can’t overdo it. I love that she combines the best of modern medicine with “remedies” that are based in science.

Today I love… not being seriously sick, I love that I finished a pair of fingerless mitts yesterday (that were started on Wednesday), I love that time in “quarantine” has meant a lot of knitting time for me, I love that last night’s dinner had 5 ingredients and required minimal effort and tasted phenomenal, and I love that the weather is getting cool enough to wear handknits more often

thanksgiving 2020 – finding things to be thankful for in the middle of a bad relationship with that bitch Rona

Things I’m thankful for right now:

• We both have jobs and we both have health insurance that’s worth having
• We’re healthy, and my mom and step-dad are healthy
• We’re lucky enough to have a very nice, comfortable home to live in
• We have three ridiculous fur-babies in our lives
• My job allows me to work from home right now which is providing a much needed relief from excess anxiety and helping to keep me safe from contracting COVID-19
• I have some truly amazing friends that, even though I don’t get to see them in person, will text or do video calls and they’re helping to keep me sane
• That Lancelot is so stinkin’ patient with my shenanigans
• And while I don’t know that anyone is ever really prepared to live through such a prolonged and emotionally draining event like a pandemic, I feel as though mentally I’m the strongest I’ve ever been and in the best position possible to come out the other side of this a better human because of it

I know it’s hard right now, and stuff does kinda suck, but I would like to encourage all of you reading this, whenever you read it, to try to think of at least one thing you’re thankful for. If you can think of more, that’s awesome. I try to do this little exercise every day, usually on Facebook, and it helps. There’s something about intentionality and “priming” yourself to be in a more optimistic mindset that seems to help. (your mileage may vary, but come on, it’s worth a try, yes?)

If that doesn’t work you can always try boozy hot cocoa. This is the way.

start of the semester got me like… ugh

Last week was rough. No, ROUGH. On Tuesday I picked Lancelot up from work early in the morning, came home, and crawled back into bed for three hours. I spent my work day in pajama pants and a t-shirt. I’m not sure if I was coming down with a cold or if I’d just gotten too run down or what. But it wasn’t good.

Is anyone else at that point where you freak the hell out any time you sneeze?

Anyway, I finally started to feel better when I realized I actually do need to take care of myself. I started a new shawl, I started eating a little better, and I let myself wear pajama pants a lot. It was good and it helped.

The pattern, not that you can tell a damn thing right now, is Tumbledown Mountain and the yarn is Mille Colori Sock and Lace. The colors are WILD. The pattern is fairly sedate to start with so the stripes are going to be amazing. So far this is just what I need, delightfully relaxing knitting that I don’t have to think about much.

I’ve also been trying to get some stuff taken care of around the house that I’ve been neglecting. I’m not one that normally lets the laundry get out of hand, but I had, so I got that caught up. And we got our wedding pictures printed and framed, which was nice. All in all it was just a very good weekend.

Garth approved. Garth usually approves, unless Pippy is chewing on his tail. He actually snuggled with me most of last night. It’s nice except he likes to bite. I did get a really nice surprise yesterday from my stepdad.

A Child of my very own. And he likes Prickly Pear Red Bull Refreshers from the coffee shop. We’re going to need all the caffeine we can get. Today is the first day of the semester for us and there have already been some massive technical issues that have impacted a vast portion of the planet. Nothing like starting off having one of your most critical tools take a shit right in the middle of your breakfast.

 

 

 

firsts

There are certain things in life that I wasn’t sure I would experience. Some of those things make me quite happy to miss out on, like child birth. Some of those things had made me sad. Today I need happy things so we’re going to focus on all sorts of firsts that are making me smile.

I am officially a first time home owner. The paperwork is all done. And, of course, they raised the value of the house so next year I’ll get to pay even more in taxes. Yay!

I will get to see my mother happily married to a man that she loves, and I’ll be the one walking her down the aisle. After my father passed away I wasn’t sure she would find love again. I am quite pleased to see my mother acting like a teenage girl for the first time in my life.

Lancelot and I bought artwork, picked it out together, to hang in our living room. He’s been helping me figure out where to put our pictures and whatnot, but this has been the first piece we’ve selected together. I can’t wait for it to arrive.

Our wedding will be the first time I’ve been with a man who was interested enough in the wedding to have opinions about how things go. He isn’t trying to run the show, but he’s got ideas and I’m enjoying this.

And this is the first time in my life that I’ve ever been this happy.

my dog is hugging a washcloth and snoring and I think that’s the cutest thing ever

It’s rough to be Pippy. She’s had some kind of tummy issue the last few days that have resulted in PITH (pooping in the house) and that makes me and Lancelot unhappy. We tried giving her rice and chicken to see if that would help and when it became apparent that it wasn’t we took her to the vet this morning. The good news is that it is not a parasite. The bad news is that the vet isn’t entirely sure what it is. So we have some pills to take a new kibble to eat. And yes, right now she is laying in her chair in my office with her coveted stolen washcloth between her front paws. Adorable to say the least.

I was talking to one of my work friends today over Zoom and realized that I haven’t been focusing enough of my energy on gratitude. And that’s a bummer because that’s been such an important part of my routines for so long and unfortunately that’s just sort of fallen by the wayside lately.

So today I am thankful for…

• the roof over my head
• the food I cook every night
• the job I mostly love
• the fuzzy critters who make me laugh even though they take up way more than their share of the bed every night
• my darling Lancelot who helps keep me sane and gives amazing hugs
• Mom and R because they’re awesome
• my friends, y’all included
• my medication that really keeps me sane

the smell of a plan first thing in the morning

I will make a plan for you Mama! I am good with the computer!

In all fairness, this is not first thing in the morning. First thing in my morning was probably around 3am with Dogzilla woke me up to go out. She was slightly more gentle about it today. We started by squeaking the toy that Garth had thoughtfully left on the bed for us. Once she realized I was half-conscious she put her paw on my shoulder and looked at me.

Have you ever just known that a dog was looking you square in the face even though it was near pitch black in the room? It’s a scary thing, even if that dog is a 21.6lb black puppy with very curly hair. And it’s scary because it’s the look that means “I will pee on this bed if I have to, try me.”

I digress, as usual.

I would love to have a plan today but it’s Monday and I’m still a little wore out from the weekend. We had dinner with Mom and R on Friday night, mostly so I could deliver her Mother’s Day flowers a little early.

She loves fresh flowers and this big ol’ arrangement had a little bit of everything in it. What you can’t see in this picture are the cluster of Stargazer Lilies on the other side. She’s carrying a bouquet of those when she gets married next month.

His smile really is what I fell in love with. He’s such a gentle soul, and a good son-in-law. Those flowers were overly full of cold water and he wore a significant amount of that on the drive over.

Anyway, Saturday we took the pup to the vet for an allergy issue, ran errands, then I ran all over the neighborhood because the pup got out and was being obstinate. Good times. And then on Sunday we did brunch here at the house. I made a breakfast casserole that my mom and L really like and a batch of peach bread pudding. It was a lovely morning.

Aren’t they adorable together?

So are we. And yes, now that my hair is short in front I’ve decided it can be curly because I’m not interested in fighting with it. I’ll leave you with one last delightful little image…

This is my kitty and I loves him lots.