taking out the trash

I’ve mentioned several times recently that I’ve been on this “clean out all the bullshit” kick. I’m loving it. Clothes that didn’t fit or don’t make me happy, jewelry I never wore, some shoes, a few books, candles… I realized just now that there’s another stash of clothes that need to go, hidden under the stairs.

But there are other things that need to be removed. Yesterday I ended up cleaning out my closet at work, the one that primarily houses snacks and stuff. That was a disaster. Today I’m going to spend a little time on my desk. Too much clutter, too much nonsense in the drawers.

I can’t really say what it is that gets me into these moods, but it’s a cyclical thing with me. Kind of like Spring Cleaning on steroids I guess. All I know is that I feel better once it’s all done.

This afternoon I’m meeting with one of the program coordinators for the writing program I just left. I feel good that I was able to finish the semester successfully, but I know that I just can’t take on that kind of workload and stress again right now. I want to finish the memoir one of these days but I already know that my Fall semester is going to be too busy. There’s at least one international trip planned so that right there is enough to make me not interested in school.

I’m going to try to add back in a hobby/creative outlet that I haven’t done in ages. I’ve signed up to take a fused glass class at a local studio where I’ve taken classes before. I’m excited, it should be great. The last project I made, I think, was last summer. Not that the knitting and jewelry making aren’t good enough, but a girl shouldn’t box herself in too much when it comes to being creative.

my plans are like eggs…

…scrambled.

The weekend did not turn out as anticipated. Parts were really good, other parts not so much. Over all I would say it was pretty decent.

Y’all know the school thing this semester did Not Go Well At All. I kind of felt like the world’s biggest idiot because of that, at least I did until I talked to Dr. K, my good friend at work. (yes she really does have her PhD, that’s why she’s qualified) She told me that had she known I would be enrolled in 15 hours of grad credit every semester for this program she’d have Very Strongly Encouraged me to run.

For those of you not familiar with the way higher education works in the States, a full-time undergraduate student has to take at least 12 credit hours and usually doesn’t take more than 15. A typical class equals 3 credit hours, so a “good” load for undergrads is four classes. For a graduate student, 6 hours is typical. If you’re working a full time job, which most grad students are, it’s ridiculous to take more than that. I’ve been taking FIVE classes worth.

Hello, my name is Utterly Ridiculous. How do you do?

So this whole 15 credit hours in a “low residency” setup was really never a good idea for me from the very start. Sometimes I am stubborn and insist on learning difficult lessons the hard way. It’s called being willful. It does not suit me. I know this.

Anyway, I’ll finish this semester and then I’m switching back to my previous program. Back in 2015 I finished a Technical Communication graduate certificate, 15 credit hours worth of work that helped me with my job. The English department offers two grad certificates; tech comm and Advanced Writing. My goal now is to do the Advanced Writing cert, so I’ll have 30 hours of grad credit, and then hopefully write a thesis and smash all of that into a M.A. in English. I will do this one class per semester, skipping the Hell on Earth that is Summer Sessions.

It just might work.

Anyway, there are other changes coming. I’ve already alerted my hair stylist wizard that I’m going to want a new cut and color next week. I’m also feeling my creative ooze starting to flow. It’s actually a good thing, really. Nothing like a good spurt of ooze to make the magic happen.

plans, plans, and more plans

The food habit changes are going well. Last night I made some sugar free cheesecake flavored pudding and added fresh strawberries to it. Not quite as good as real cheesecake but also not too damn bad. It’s all about balance, right?

In an effort to be transparent, and to keep myself accountable, I am going to report my actual weight. I started this at 263.5lbs. By May 11 I need to be down to 255.5lbs. I can totally do this.

Today is my first  day without the ankle brace. Lancelot and I realized yesterday that it was close enough. It’s incredibly liberating to not have to wear it. I have on proper sandals and they’re staying on my feet properly. And there’s a pair of purple Birkenstock sandals being delivered today that I should be able to wear tomorrow. This makes my little black heart insanely happy.

There’s lots in the works for this weekend, which also makes me happy. Tomorrow night is date night with Lancelot. Saturday we’ll have to do a bit of grocery shopping, I’m going to dye eggs with my nieces, then I’m making a new pasta dish for dinner and we’ll watch Avengers Infinity War, and on Sunday I’m going to have brunch with my sister’s family. I’m hoping to have time to maybe knit a little.

Tonight I’m going to try to make some jewelry with the new bits I got at the bead expo. I’m wearing the shawl pin I got today and it’s perfect.

The trinity knot at the top is gorgeous. It’s going to look amazing with the shawl I started in Ireland, assuming I ever get that finished.

when good is great

So true. My life has not been full of happy lately, and it should have been. I have a tendency to ignore the big ass signs that are all over my world, right until the point where one of them bashes me in the forehead.

Quoth the purple-haired girl, Nevermore…

I’ve started all of the new medication from the dermatologist. So far so good. I’m hoping it helps because quite frankly, I’m beyond over this shit. I am also beyond over wearing this fucking ankle brace. It’s hot, scratchy, and downright uncomfortable. My three weeks is nearly up, praise ceiling cat.

So far the food changes (we will NOT be calling it a diet!) are going smoothly. The one med can’t be taken with food or milk so that’s putting a wee cramp in my style, but it’s workable. For the most part I really am trying to cut out the drinks with empty calories and I’m watching my portions.

Lancelot had a great suggestion today when we were talking. I had asked him if there was anything special he wanted me to cook this weekend and he said it might be a good opportunity to try a new healthy recipe. Such a good idea. I’d gotten a Mediterranean diet cookbook a few months ago but haven’t really looked at it. That’s on the list for tonight now.

a world full of hate

I nearly can’t stand to watch the news or get on social media anymore. There’s so much hate and violence everywhere you turn. It’s awful. Trump keeps throwing his disgusting weight around like he’s got a right to do these horrible things he keeps threatening to do and much of the masses believe him.

Folks, the movie “Idiocracy” was NEVER intended to be a documentary.

There are still good, rational, reasonable people out there. I know there are. I just hope they all get out and vote. I voted early by mail. I’m lazy and it’s easier for me, but I did it. Those of you here in the US, or really anywhere, I can’t encourage you enough to exercise your right to have your voice heard.

I saw this on Facebook and didn’t remember to get the artist info, but it’s not my work. Super stunning though.

I’ve reached a point where I feel like a return to life as it should be is well within my grasp. My sleep is still not where I want it to be but I’ll see the doc tomorrow and I plan to talk to her about it. Progress is still being made with controlling the mania so I feel good about that.

The stress levels in general are coming down which is absolutely heavenly. I’m actually (finally) getting excited about the trip to India. I made a few purchases this morning that were recommended by friends and I’m getting ready to line up a few more.

As a total side note, what the hell did we do before internet shopping? Seriously.

Also saw this on Facebook this morning and it was like someone smacked me in the face with a phone book. I plan to make the rest of this year a very educational experience and then next year, look out.

*assuming of course I can stop locking my fucking keys in my office

working my recovery

You’d think with as long as I’ve been at this that it might be a bit easier, but it never really is. There’s always the struggle to mend things I’ve broken while manic; the relationships mostly. And there’s the never ending desire for sleep.

I am proud to say that yesterday I was a bit productive AND that I only had to use my squishy panda once. That sounds so silly but it’s huge for me. It’s a good coping skill, don’t get me wrong, but the fact that I only really needed it once is what’s huge.

This morning I’ve been printing and collecting all of the documents I’ll need to have with me when I travel. I asked for advice from friends on Facebook regarding their favorite travel tips and hacks. Y’all are definitely welcome to share, too.

In all I would say that positive progress is being made on damn near all fronts. I’ll take it.

truth hurts

Typing is hard right now. I’m shaking and crying and trying to remember that breathing is the key. Breathe.

The closer I get to going to India the worse my anxiety gets. I’m not much for traveling under the best of circumstances and going half way around the world literally freaks the fuck out of me. Evidently my anxiety is causing me to lean on someone too much.

I want too much. I’m insisting on things, evidently, things that I had no idea were problematic. Oddly enough, until you’re told that someone hates the color blue you probably have no idea, right?

At any rate, there was unpleasantness. I fear there is more to come, though I sincerely hope not. Regardless, the writing is now quite clearly on the wall, large enough for me to read now.

None of us really knows what the future holds. I was told today that someone is not in possession of a magic crystal ball. True dat. What I know about my future is that there is an appointment with the psych doc this afternoon and then there will be some recovery tonight.

The time has come to dust off my bag of tricks. As tempting as it is to fall back on my old “skills” I know they don’t serve me and so I won’t. But honestly, I would near sell my soul for just one Marlboro Ultra Light 100 right now.

Instead I will breathe, squeeze my panda, and hope that I’m wrong about a few things.

in the light of the morning sun

Therapy yesterday was good. Amazing, really. I was able to recognize some patterns, in my behavior and his, and put words with a few of the intangible concepts that have been plaguing me.

I feel vulnerable because I don’t think my feelings are being validated. This is feeding into the Borderline tendency towards unstable behavior in relationships. It appears to me that he was shutting down yesterday because he may have been uncomfortable with my approach to information gathering. We should continue to work on keeping the lines of communication both open and honest.

I also need to acknowledge that there is more going on in my life than just this relationship. I’m working on my own health issues, Mom is dealing with one of her own, I am trying to get into grad school, work has been a bit odd, and then there is the whole overseas trip thing. All of these influence the others as well as the way I function as a person. I need to cut myself a bit of slack.

But here’s the good news – I have made significant progress in the way I work to control my anxiety, believe it or not.

There was a time in my life, prior to the last husband, where a day like yesterday would have been the end of the relationship. I’d have lost my shit and done all manner of pushy and ineffective things to try to force validation. And it would have backfired in a horrific way.

But I didn’t do any of that. Every coping mechanism I tried helped a little and wasn’t destructive. I am learning. You probably can’t grasp how proud I am of myself because of this.

Why is it different this time? She asked me that. What makes this guy so special? So I started listing all of the things that I love about Lancelot…

• his smile lights up his whole face
• the way he always tries to make me smile, even if he has to push up a corner of my mouth with his finger
• his hugs
• he’s smart and we have some of the most interesting conversations
• his sense of humor
• I feel safe with him, physically and emotionally
• those kisses
• he’s polite
• in spite of what he would have you believe he really is a big teddy bear, a gentle giant
• he treats me like a person, not an object

I could probably keep going like that for awhile, but hopefully you get the idea. I didn’t make it near that far with my therapist before the tears started.

He’s incredibly special to me and I love him, so this whole feeling vulnerable thing is harder than ever because I’m more invested in him than I’ve been in anyone in a ridiculously long time.

Bottom line – I want this to work and I am willing to put in the work to make that happen. And I believe in my heart of hearts that he is, too.

I’m feeling more optimistic this morning about my coping skills and about how things are going. I was referred to as “me darlin” last night, which was something I had very much hoped to hear since that usually seems to be a good indication of “all systems go.” Plus it makes me blush and smile at the same time. The only thing better is when he puts on his Irish accent and says my name and also adds “me darlin dear.” That melts my heart. Anyway, I also snuck in a very brief phone call and heard his voice which always helps settle me.

Needy? Yes, it was. Did it help? Most certainly. Worth the risk? Yes, it was.

I’m feeling much better today than I was yesterday, which is always good. Part of the feeling better is that I have my Visa for the India trip, which was another piece I was waiting for. Yay! Now to start looking at the luggage restrictions and current TSA information so I know what I’m dealing with.

I also took a little time to knit this morning which always helps. That’s part of what I know I need to reintroduce into my life is more time to engage in my creative outlets. I’m not sure how that will work once grad school starts, it’s been so long since I’ve done that, but I know it’s possible.

On a sort of related note – any knitters out there have a recommendation for an easy to deal with project to take on the plane, preferably that uses sock/fingering weight yarn?

an update – mostly in pictures

It’s Monday morning and I’m back at work. My laundry is caught up, the cleaning bits at the house got done, and some knitting was accomplished yesterday. And I slept. Sleep is good.

The vacation last week was also good. We had some rough patches, but I expected that. This was the longest stretch of time we’ve spent together. We were bound to realize that the other is not, in fact, perfect. No surprise there. All in all I would say we worked through it all fairly well. I think Lancelot would agree. I hope he would.

I realized this morning that I don’t really have a ton of pictures to share, mostly because I was too busy enjoying what we were doing to take time to get out my phone. I’m going to call that a serious win.

Not quite lost on a beautiful back road in Weston, MO

My handsome breakfast companion

All dressed up for a special dinner

These purple roses were right outside our room at the B&B. When I commented on them he told me that he requested them special, just for me. I almost cried.

I’m not going to lie and say that my anxiety isn’t still trying to get the best of me or that I always acted like an adult. I will say that I learned a lot about myself this last week, things I would imagine he doesn’t realize even, and that growth is always good.

I have yet to hear anything about my grad school application other than two of the three people I asked to write letters of recommendation have either done it or are in the process of doing it. That’s making me a bit nervous that I haven’t heard yet.

The knitting is coming along. I had thought I would have finished the hat by now but I was too busy having fun last week. I’m going to guess that he’ll forgive me.

One last picture…

It’s not often that I like the way I look or like pictures taken of myself. I take selfies regularly but usually hate them. But I love this shirt and I actually think my hair is behaving today. And this is probably the most true-to-life picture I’ve taken of myself in a long fucking time.

week four

Coming at you a day early this week, but hey, I’ve got good stuff to share.

Easy one first, the weight. In spite of making the decision to have dinner out last night, and eat a large order of french fries, I managed to lose another 3/4 of a pound. My guess is that it could have been even more if we’d had something healthier for dinner but I honestly don’t feel bad. This was only the THIRD time this month that I’ve eaten out and a girl needs some fries now and then. I’m still considering it a win. I’m down 4lbs for the month. My goal was 5 and I still consider next week part of January. I’m seeing a victory in my future.

On the financial front, I’m doing awesome. I still have cash left in my wallet and in the bank. I recreated my budget spreadsheet (it got lost when the laptop tanked) and then started adding up my receipts and I’m actually in really good shape. Assuming the government does eventually let me file my taxes, my returns are good enough that I’ll be able to pay off one credit card entirely and then start working on the others. My plan is to pay off the highest balance, because it would require the highest monthly payment to eliminate this year, and then put that payment amount with the next highest balance. This should result in all of the cards being paid off well before the end of the year.

I’ve decided that the next step is going to be increasing what I pay on my vehicle loan. I moved that to my credit union, where I do all of my banking, late last year so it’s ridiculously easy to pay extra on it via their website. Once that’s paid off I’ll start putting money aside for the down payment on the next vehicle.

I totally sound like a grown up.

there’s a really funny story with this pic but all you really need to know is that no, it was not my birthday, but it’s stuff like this that makes it hard for me to think of myself as a grown up

I am starting to use my Google Assistant more often. I even figured out how to have it set reminders for me, and then promptly felt foolish because it’s stupid easy. I am quite enjoying it though.

And last but not least, the “bigger than a washcloth” craft project to be completed. I am probably 95% done crocheting the pieces and parts for the kitty cocoon/bunting thing for K’s bambino. Next comes assembly. Lots of little parts that will make for an adorable baby kitty. My plan is to get that finished this evening.

So YAY! I feel like I’m making really good progress with everything and because I’m not focusing all of my attention on just one thing it seems to be easier. It’s lots of baby steps that are all taking me in the direction I want to go.

gratuitous cute kitty picture