this is not the droid you seek

I’m in what one of my colleagues aptly referred to as a “reinvention period.” And he’s right. Every so often I completely turn myself into a vastly different version of myself. In the past this has been brought on by failed relationships, wanting to keep relationships from failing, or wanting to keep the next relationship from failing.

No more.

It’s a well documented fact that I’m not very good in relationships. I’ve been married and divorced three separate times and been in too many other relationships to remember. But they don’t last and I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. So here’s the list of reasons I’m not “that” droid.

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too young
  • I’m too short
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m too smart
  • I’m not smart enough
  • I’m too passionate
  • My taste in music is too weird
  • I’m not a musician
  • I work in education
  • I can support myself
  • I don’t make enough money
  • I have tattoos
  • I don’t have kids
  • I do have cats
  • I don’t like to drink wine
  • I have weird hair
  • I have short hair
  • I have bipolar disorder
  • I’m opinionated
  • I will speak my mind
  • I’m not great at singing
  • I’m not politically active
  • I don’t like Trump

Lastly, but I’m finding now is most important, I don’t give a good goddamn about any of those things and whether or not a man puts stock in them or not. This is me, this is the skin I wear, and if you don’t like it…

The door is over there. I’ll be busy enjoying my bellydancing class, grilling myself a steak, and rubbing my kitties’ tummies.

turn the page

Change is HARD.

My world feels full of change anymore. The department I work for got restructured in February and that created a fair bit of upheaval. We’re making a significant software switch on campus and that’s causing more upheaval. My continuing relationship with my ex is in a perpetual state of flux. I lost an uncle to suicide this summer.

Life is constant change and change can be HARD. But life is also constant opportunity for CHOICES.

I choose to see all of the change as a chance to make my life better.

I will be more than the labels I wear and I will be better than the foul mood I find myself in right this very minute and I will be the compassionate human being that I know myself to be.

I choose to see the good in the changes.