i’m weak

This will become a shawl.

I think this will, too.

I got two balls of this so I’m thinking this becomes a shrug with beads around the ends of the sleeves, because I maybe went to the tiny local bead shop and got some Japanese seed beads to match this. Maybe.

Garth was not overly impressed. He scares the hell out of me every time he does this, especially when he starts playing with his own tail.

One of my friends is sewing masks and selling them on Etsy, very reasonably priced. If you like Disney you should check out her shop, she’s got a really nice variety of prints. I really like this purple flower one.

We had our first guest since the plague started. On Saturday night my friend K came over and we did a practice run of makeup for the wedding. Not bad. It was amazing to see her.

Meet Blanche, my new African violet. Mom gave me this antique tea pot and it just seemed like the perfect vessel for a violet. She has taken up residence in the office.

I’m still trying to knit every day and get things done. Today is almost wall to wall meetings, which sucks. Zoom fatigue is a very real thing, and when you combine that with a mental health issue it’s a pretty unpleasant thing.

what is normal anymore?

I get up around 4:30am, like normal. I make a cup of coffee, like normal.

That’s pretty much where any resemblance to my old existence ends.

I might watch a little news, though honestly I don’t remember the last time I did. I might get the dishwasher emptied, though often that waits until closer to my lunch break. I shower and put on comfy clothes, something I used to only do on the weekends. I go pick up Lancelot, which is typical, except I never used to have to drive through a check point.

And then I get home and work in my basement, using two laptops instead of one with two additional monitors (so much nicer), and I don’t usually actually see another person in the flesh until dinner time.

This is not a great arrangement for me. I’m not terribly extroverted but I do enjoy the company of people, nice people anyway. I miss my friends. I miss the distraction of someone walking into my office just to shoot the shit for a few minutes. I miss being able to share my happys and sads with them. Fuck, I miss having a reason to wear nice clothes and put on makeup.

I’m glad that I’m safe (so far) and that no one I love has gotten ill, please don’t get me wrong. But I’m going to have to figure out what I need to do to keep from going completely bat-crap crazy. Suggestions are welcome.

working from home

I am not super excited about working at home, it’s just not my thing. But I’m trying to make the best of it.My coworkers are kind of jerks sometimes, but it’s nice that they’re spending more time with me.

My biggest issue is that I miss my friends on campus. I chat with them off and on but it’s not quite the same. I’ve been able to see Lancelot the last two mornings and that helps, a ton. I know he’s worried about me, and I know why. He’s sweet.

The birthday wasn’t what either of us had planned, but I really thought it was good. L got me two gorgeous necklaces and a really cool resin skull with Celtic knot designs all over it. Mom’s friend R got me a baby Yoda coffee mug.

It’s not the stuff or the place that makes an occasion, it’s the people you’re surrounded by.


insert catchy title here

I had my first date with Lancelot on August 12, 2018. It was  pretty much love at first sight for me. Those big blue eyes, that gentle smile, the sarcasm. I was sold.

We’ve had our share of rough times since then. I’ve left the country three times, started and then stopped a second graduate degree, and he’s worked a fuckton of overtime. But we’ve stuck together because we love each other.

Life around here has been interesting. The university has decided to give students an extended spring break and then everyone is moving to online. I think it’s only a matter of time before the campus is shut down entirely.

I don’t necessarily object to working from home. I would have the boys around.

And I could for sure pick Lancelot up every morning.

I would miss my friends though, and the structure of work. I think that’s something a lot of people aren’t really thinking about yet. Kids, and people like me, need that structure. When we don’t have our regular routines we eventually suffer.

I can already see it happening with me.

I have a serious backlog of laundry, the sheets desperately need to be change, the plants need to be watered, pills need to be filled, and I haven’t knit in what feels like forever. Today I’m at work but I’m in jeans, no makeup, and the only jewelry is my ring from L. Kind of feels like a rock bottom to me. And that can mean only one thing.

everything is perfect just as it is

Anyone who has done a round or two of DBT knows that phrase all too well. Radical acceptance. Being able to accept that life is not perfect but that it is as it must be and it will improve.

It will improve.

I really don’t feel crazy most of the time anymore. I know I still have Bipolar Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder and sometimes issues with Anxiety, but I rarely identify with those anymore. I take my meds like I need to, I try to eat decent, and I sleep. But I’m definitely in maintenance mode these days.

And that feels fucking fantastic.

Just over ten years ago I had my last suicide attempt. Some jackass boy had broken my heart and I thought my life was over. WRONG. It was the most serious of my four attempts and they weren’t sure I’d make it.

But I did, and I’m still here kicking ass and taking names, and I’m stronger than ever. It got better, mostly because I have an amazing tribe and because I’m stubborn as fuck.

For all of us fighting the good fight, I’m with you. Some days are hard and we struggle just to get out of bed. Some days are easy and no one realizes how hard life can be for us. But still, we rise.

We are in this together. ❤

a post in pictures

I’m not quite myself right now, mostly on account of not feeling well. I’m still ok enough to go to work, just not ok enough to do the things I’d enjoy doing, like knitting. So to distract you from the lack of interesting words I thought I would show you some pictures.

Eric the Dynomite Kitty
The boys “helped” me file my taxes
The Smash shawl and Shimmer Waves scarf
The cuff, or start of, of a pair of fingerless mitts I’m making for a friend. She got the yarn on Etsy and it’s working up quite nicely.
Bed time for Garth

so there I was, surrounding myself with bright colors and second breakfast, trying to keep my chin up when…

Being a grown up is HARD. It actually rather sucks a good deal of the time. All of the responsibilities, the financial burdens, the whole not being able to tell everyone to just go piss off when you aren’t in a mood to deal with them. You know what I’m talking about.

When you’re a grown up who also has a mental illness it’s even less fun. Sometimes. Right now is rather HARD. I lost a dear friend to a wretched disease and it’s JUST NOT FAIR. To make things worse, there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it.

Except there is.

I cooked dinner last night. I took some work home to make today easier. I talked to a friend on Facebook. I took my meds and got some sleep. I had breakfast this morning. I took a shower and got dressed like the professional I am.

I am moving forward because, quite honestly, it’s what my friend would have wanted. She wouldn’t want all the sadness and tears. She was eternally optimistic and I loved her all the more for that.

I will miss her, always, and I may cry a few more tears. But I’m also going to get back to the business of living my life to the fullest because that’s how she lived, and I think it’s a good way for all of us to live.

has it really been a week?

Wow, so I really have to say I didn’t intend to be gone so long. But it’s been quite the week. I managed to

  • finish the blue shawl,
  • weave in the ends on three others that were done,
  • pick up a “commission” from Mom’s best friend to make a white shawl for her,
  • ordered yarn for four more shawls for myself,
  • make a really cool pair of earrings plus a necklace/earring set,
  • make an obscene amount of progress on a beaded shawl I started over a year ago,
  • give two killer presentations at the conference,
  • clean out my closet, dressers, linen cupboard,
  • deposit all of those unwanted bits at the donation site,
  • install lights under the hutch on my desk at work for a little extra light,
  • saw Hamilton with one of my oldest and dearest friends.

I also found out that the Istanbul trip is on hold. We were originally supposed to leave next Thursday but something isn’t happening the way they thought it would so now there’s talk of maybe rescheduling to late November. I’m really ok with this. I love to travel but not when things aren’t well planned.

Speaking of well planned, I’m trying to convince myself not to start any new projects, except for Mom’s BFF’s shawl, until I finish the two shawls I’m currently working on. The beaded one is maybe halfway done and it’s incredibly funky. The other is unusual in that it’s made of shell motifs that will be sewn together with buttons. It’s really lovely. I’m doing mine with yarn that shifts through shades of green and white. I’ll try to take a picture this weekend; it’s going to be my project while Lancelot is watching the UFC thingy.

what happens at Oktoberfest should have probably just stayed there…

the love it/hate it installment

I’ve been having some difficulties lately, mostly related to health. My skin had been acting up, my sleep got kind of weird, and then last Thursday my back starting giving me trouble. I ended up almost entirely out of commission for a large chunk of the weekend and then yesterday I waved the white flag and went to see the chiropractor. It’s not as horrible as it could be, but it ain’t good. So I don’t have much to say great today, and that means lists.

Hate It

  • putting on my underwear is a fucking process because I can’t really bend
  • I may have frostbit my ass from sitting with ice packs so much lately
  • I had a wee confrontation with the dermatologist, which I hate (but see below)
  • I’m shaking worse than I maybe ever have before
  • Lancelot is having trouble at his job and it makes me so sad to see him miserable
  • there ain’t a fucking thing I can do about L’s job
  • I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in a vat of molasses

Love It

  • the molasses feeling is starting to subside; I got a ton of knitting done yesterday
  • I’m down one pill – I got to get rid of the Metformin
  • the psych doc is also doing a little decrease to try to help with the shaking
  • my back is starting to feel better, I know it will be a process
  • L was over the top good to me this weekend and did an amazing job taking care of me
  • Mom has been awesome about taking care of me, too
  • the puppy and my cats are quite entertaining

torturing myself with cereal

The tremors are kind of awful today. So what am I attempting to feed myself? Cereal with milk. Because I mostly can. And I’m wearing a white shirt, so it’s all good.

Lancelot were out to eat one night, can’t recall when, and I was having so much trouble feeding myself that when we got home I cried all over him. I’m not sure if people realize that there’s more to mental illness than medicine and therapy regimes. The side effects are sometimes the worst.

Granted, this is more of a  nuisance than anything, but still. Not being able to get food to your mouth, or hold and drink out of a cup using just one hand and no straw, are thing most people take for granted. How about being able to sleep without taking 19 pills?

Sorry, I digress. The pity party is hereby over. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

L and I went out with my oldest and dearest friend on Friday night and it was wonderful. I needed the boost that one only gets from someone you’ve known and loved like that for more than 20 years. And she texted me afterwards that L meets with her approval. Yay!

Today is the first day of our semester here. In spite of the fact that I did not feel so swell yesterday I managed to get three lunches made, all of the laundry washed, dried, and put away, and clothes for the coming week laid out. I feel pretty fucking proud of that.

Gratuitous sleepy puppy bum