a million things

I’ve been making pretty good progress with getting my life back together. This wasn’t like some of the ridiculously spectacular explosions that I have faced before, but the time between January 1 and now has been, well, I don’t have enough of the right words to describe it.

It was like having to burn all the candles at all the ends.

It was like arguing with a demon in my head who was a toddler and insisted on a bedtime story every five minutes.

It was like watching all of the things I wanted to be doing slip through my fingers like water, and knowing that the water was tears.

But it’s over, and as much as I love what I wrote and as proud as I am of what I managed to do, it needed to be put away for now. And so I did. I cleared out a small drawer in my desk yesterday and put all of the printed materials and my notebooks in it. The memoirs I read are on the bookshelf (except Patty Duke’s shitty book, yuck). Reclaiming my workspace yesterday and getting that area ready for creative things again was crucial for moving forward.

I also went through my room and came up with four bags full to send to the thrift shop. I was ruthless. It felt FABULOUS. And, as usual, I found some things I had completely forgotten about. It feels a lot better in there now as well.

This is maybe a weird thing, but I’m going to share anyway. I’m totally a list maker, y’all know that. But I don’t like writing them on paper if I don’t have to. At work I have a whiteboard mounted on a door and I frequently fill that up. But at home I don’t have that, so I improvise.

Upstairs I keep a dry erase marker in the bathroom and I write my lists on the mirror. Sounds strange, but it works. It’s right there where I look every day and it wipes off super easy. I find that it really helps, and it’s a cheap hack.

Life is slowly returning to the happy place where I really enjoy it. Mom and I did a little shopping last Thursday, Lancelot and I went and had massages Saturday morning and then did a little shopping, we had friends over for dinner, and then brunch on Mother’s Day. And I’ve been knitting again. What more can you ask for?

Apparently you can ask for more treats.

Advertisements

almost there

I have until tomorrow to get the rest of my homework for the semester done. I’m already mostly checked out but I’ll get it done. There are 15 graduate credits on the line; I refuse to have the loan I took out for this semester be for naught.

On a totally unrelated topic, it seems to me that the only thing worse than dealing with your own anxiety and difficulties are having someone you love dealing with anxiety and difficulties and not really be able to help. It’s a rather horrible feeling, very powerless. I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

There’s not much else to tell right now I’m afraid. I’m still trying to stick with the healthy eating stuff but not really doing a great job. Progress is slow, but steady. That counts, right?

plans, plans, and more plans

The food habit changes are going well. Last night I made some sugar free cheesecake flavored pudding and added fresh strawberries to it. Not quite as good as real cheesecake but also not too damn bad. It’s all about balance, right?

In an effort to be transparent, and to keep myself accountable, I am going to report my actual weight. I started this at 263.5lbs. By May 11 I need to be down to 255.5lbs. I can totally do this.

Today is my firstĀ  day without the ankle brace. Lancelot and I realized yesterday that it was close enough. It’s incredibly liberating to not have to wear it. I have on proper sandals and they’re staying on my feet properly. And there’s a pair of purple Birkenstock sandals being delivered today that I should be able to wear tomorrow. This makes my little black heart insanely happy.

There’s lots in the works for this weekend, which also makes me happy. Tomorrow night is date night with Lancelot. Saturday we’ll have to do a bit of grocery shopping, I’m going to dye eggs with my nieces, then I’m making a new pasta dish for dinner and we’ll watch Avengers Infinity War, and on Sunday I’m going to have brunch with my sister’s family. I’m hoping to have time to maybe knit a little.

Tonight I’m going to try to make some jewelry with the new bits I got at the bead expo. I’m wearing the shawl pin I got today and it’s perfect.

The trinity knot at the top is gorgeous. It’s going to look amazing with the shawl I started in Ireland, assuming I ever get that finished.

when good is great

So true. My life has not been full of happy lately, and it should have been. I have a tendency to ignore the big ass signs that are all over my world, right until the point where one of them bashes me in the forehead.

Quoth the purple-haired girl, Nevermore…

I’ve started all of the new medication from the dermatologist. So far so good. I’m hoping it helps because quite frankly, I’m beyond over this shit. I am also beyond over wearing this fucking ankle brace. It’s hot, scratchy, and downright uncomfortable. My three weeks is nearly up, praise ceiling cat.

So far the food changes (we will NOT be calling it a diet!) are going smoothly. The one med can’t be taken with food or milk so that’s putting a wee cramp in my style, but it’s workable. For the most part I really am trying to cut out the drinks with empty calories and I’m watching my portions.

Lancelot had a great suggestion today when we were talking. I had asked him if there was anything special he wanted me to cook this weekend and he said it might be a good opportunity to try a new healthy recipe. Such a good idea. I’d gotten a Mediterranean diet cookbook a few months ago but haven’t really looked at it. That’s on the list for tonight now.

when it all becomes real

Today I am doing my best to at least look better than I feel. Today I look like a grown up. I am wearing a long black and white skirt, black boots, black blouse, great jewelry, and eye makeup. I look the part, yes? I was informed this morning that I look fabulous. That’s the idea. Leave them wanting more, eh?

I am not feeling so fabulous, though I wish I was. There’s a ton still to do and my energy levels are not as they should be. I am indebted to my friend K for delivering a very yummy breakfast burrito to my office this morning. She’s really rather awesome.

The roads around here are still really rather shitty. Today’s drive was better than yesterday but only marginally. I am very grateful that I have my CR-V with it’s higher clearance, near new tires, and excellent AWD. Thank you cheezuz for helping me find such an awesome little vehicle.

Anyway, in my defense, I was productive yesterday afternoon and so far this morning. The problem is that it’s been little stuff so it doesn’t really feel like much. Oh well.

Part of what’s getting me is that we leave for Dublin in less than a month and I feel woefully unprepared for this. I started my packing list yesterday which will hopefully help. I’ve also started a tiny bit of knitting for the trip. Actually, I started and finished a tiny bit of knitting. I made Lancelot and I both little pouches for our earphones. Super cute and super easy, plus they used leftover bits of yarn from shawl projects. Gotta love that.

That’s the one I made for him. I can’t remember the pattern but I ended up modifying it anyway. It only took about an hour once I figured out what modifications I wanted to make. Yay!

domesticity

You know you’ve hit that “sweet” spot in a relationship when hanging out on the sofa with your laptop while your fella watches rugby is an ideal afternoon. Bonus points if going out for breakfast to the restaurant where you had your first date, also for breakfast, and then random shopping at Target in preparation for a blizzard is an ideal morning.

And then this.

We are goofs, totally.

Last night we had dinner with Mom and Lancelot got to hang with the kitty friends. He’s quite the animal lover and little Garth was happy to oblige. I’ll admit I’m a bit peeved; that little fucker almost never sits on my lap, and neither does Garth.

But yes, more snow is allegedly on the way. We got our running around done this morning and are already well entrenched in couch time. Oh, and homework. That’s next. Wish me luck.

sometimes you just have to kick your own ass

There are those days, the ones where you want to just throw in the towel and surrender. You feel like you’ve been beat down one too many times and there’s just no fight left. You don’t see how you can get back up again.

You can. I know you can. You are the storm.

I didn’t see Lancelot yesterday morning because I had an early meeting but we talked at lunch and something in that conversation, I honestly don’t know what precisely, helped me realize that the balance in my world is off. Or was. Once I identified that I started taking back my control.

Last night when I got home I managed to:

  • Deal with a basket of clean laundry
  • Dust my bedroom and make a few changes, including disposing of the very last thing my first husband had ever given me
  • Threw away a dead plant that had been hanging in the window far too long
  • Water the still living plants
  • Clean out my nightstand
  • Take all of the random bits from my room that belong in the basement to the basement
  • Fill my pill trays for the next two weeks
  • Pick out outfits and jewelry for the rest of the week
  • Do a little knitting
  • And enjoy an amazing spaghetti dinner that Mom made

Lest you think this looks like a manic fit, let me assure you that it wasn’t. I did all of this over the span of about four hours and took breaks between. And most of it wasn’t super time consuming, it really just needed to be done.

This morning I got up, did some knitting (damn shawl is so close!!!), watched the news and swore at that overly cheerful young weather man. We’re expecting another 6 – 9″ of snow overnight. I am not amused.

So I did the normal Midwesterner thing and filled up the gas tank this morning and that gave me an opportunity to take care of another sore spot – the car. I’ve needed to empty the garbage bag for weeks now. I did that while the tank was filling and I got the inside of the car tidied up. I also took a minute to wipe off my back-up camera. I keep an old wash cloth in the car just for that purpose.

Anyway, got to see my Lancelot sweetie this morning which was lovely. Hugs from my bear are always good. Hugs in general are just good medicine.