in the light of the morning sun

Therapy yesterday was good. Amazing, really. I was able to recognize some patterns, in my behavior and his, and put words with a few of the intangible concepts that have been plaguing me.

I feel vulnerable because I don’t think my feelings are being validated. This is feeding into the Borderline tendency towards unstable behavior in relationships. It appears to me that he was shutting down yesterday because he may have been uncomfortable with my approach to information gathering. We should continue to work on keeping the lines of communication both open and honest.

I also need to acknowledge that there is more going on in my life than just this relationship. I’m working on my own health issues, Mom is dealing with one of her own, I am trying to get into grad school, work has been a bit odd, and then there is the whole overseas trip thing. All of these influence the others as well as the way I function as a person. I need to cut myself a bit of slack.

But here’s the good news – I have made significant progress in the way I work to control my anxiety, believe it or not.

There was a time in my life, prior to the last husband, where a day like yesterday would have been the end of the relationship. I’d have lost my shit and done all manner of pushy and ineffective things to try to force validation. And it would have backfired in a horrific way.

But I didn’t do any of that. Every coping mechanism I tried helped a little and wasn’t destructive. I am learning. You probably can’t grasp how proud I am of myself because of this.

Why is it different this time? She asked me that. What makes this guy so special? So I started listing all of the things that I love about Lancelot…

  • his smile lights up his whole face
  • the way he always tries to make me smile, even if he has to push up a corner of my mouth with his finger
  • his hugs
  • he’s smart and we have some of the most interesting conversations
  • his sense of humor
  • I feel safe with him, physically and emotionally
  • those kisses
  • he’s polite
  • in spite of what he would have you believe he really is a big teddy bear, a gentle giant
  • he treats me like a person, not an object

I could probably keep going like that for awhile, but hopefully you get the idea. I didn’t make it near that far with my therapist before the tears started.

He’s incredibly special to me and I love him, so this whole feeling vulnerable thing is harder than ever because I’m more invested in him than I’ve been in anyone in a ridiculously long time.

Bottom line – I want this to work and I am willing to put in the work to make that happen. And I believe in my heart of hearts that he is, too.

I’m feeling more optimistic this morning about my coping skills and about how things are going. I was referred to as “me darlin” last night, which was something I had very much hoped to hear since that usually seems to be a good indication of “all systems go.” Plus it makes me blush and smile at the same time. The only thing better is when he puts on his Irish accent and says my name and also adds “me darlin dear.” That melts my heart. Anyway, I also snuck in a very brief phone call and heard his voice which always helps settle me.

Needy? Yes, it was. Did it help? Most certainly. Worth the risk? Yes, it was.

I’m feeling much better today than I was yesterday, which is always good. Part of the feeling better is that I have my Visa for the India trip, which was another piece I was waiting for. Yay! Now to start looking at the luggage restrictions and current TSA information so I know what I’m dealing with.

I also took a little time to knit this morning which always helps. That’s part of what I know I need to reintroduce into my life is more time to engage in my creative outlets. I’m not sure how that will work once grad school starts, it’s been so long since I’ve done that, but I know it’s possible.

On a sort of related note – any knitters out there have a recommendation for an easy to deal with project to take on the plane, preferably that uses sock/fingering weight yarn?

random observations

I can’t explain the way my brain works because I don’t even understand it, but here goes…

I have therapy after work today. I always get there early and I always take a knitting project. It’s a way to start conversation with someone, if they’re so inclined. I’m friendly. It works. The project today will be the hat for Lancelot, heretofore known as The Hat That Will Not Die. Honest to fuck, there are only TWENTY decrease rounds, there is no logical reason that this is taking so long!!!

Another shitty selfie but I wanted to show off not only the shawl, which I of course can’t remember the name of the pattern (Seabird?) or the yarn (literally got nothing on that), but also the utterly beautiful handmade Celtic shield brooch that Lancelot got me on our trip.

Part of my random observations this morning were that in the span of the two months we’ve been together the only piece of jewelry he hasn’t given me is a bracelet. (no honey, I’m not complaining, this is beyond generous…)

I printed new pictures to bring to the office this morning. I now have a lovely print of Lancelot smiling at me like he often does. I also have a seriously silly picture of him from the night he let me braid his beard. That one is tacked to the cork board kind of nestled in with the panda enclave. It’s hilarious.

Everything is hilarious today. Ya know why? Because I got some sleep. SLEEP I SAY!

Oh, apparently I am an expert. This frightens me. No one asked me if I wanted to be.

brain barf

I’m not feeling like me again and this fucking sucks. It’s been one of those mornings that, for whatever reason, I’m questioning things. All the things.

  • what if every shitty thing a guy has ever said about me really is true?
  • what if I can’t keep my shit together while I’m in India?
  • what if I can’t hack grad school this time?
  • why the hell can’t I stop the hamster wheel and get the fuck off it?
  • why does my body hate me?
  • why do I hate my body?
  • am I actually supposed to be happy?

Ugh.

Needless to say my anxiety is getting the best of me and I’m sick of it. Literally. My digestive system has reached a point where it isn’t tolerating my coffee, nectar of the gods. This is BAD. And I feel like I’m putting too much stress on Lancelot. He’s an amazing guy and deserves someone less frazzled than me.

I need to remind myself of this. And breathe. Breathing is good.

I was able to be productive last night. I got my e-Visa for the trip submitted, I made a small creative thing that I can’t share because it’s a surprise, and I worked on Lancelot’s hat. I have 19 rounds left so it won’t take long.

bundle of nerves

Lancelot and I are about to embark on a vacation together. Part of it will be spent in town just doing fun things and part of it will be spent taking a short road trip and staying in a bed and breakfast. I’m excited AF.

I’m also petrified. Utterly, terribly, 100%, petrified.

I have been bitten so many times, by other men, when it comes to plans that I am damn near immobilized by this. I know that he’s not like that. He’s never done anything like that to me. But still, petrified that I’ll do something or he’ll change his mind.

All because someone in my past who spoke false words of affection used to stand me up on a regular basis and make excuses as to why he couldn’t spend time with me.

I need to break myself out of this… How about a picture?

I finished the shawl and actually got the ends run in last night. The light in my office isn’t fabulous, but you get the idea. It looks pretty good with the all black outfit I’m wearing.

I am packed for our vacation. I’ve thrown in a sweater I knit myself, just because I like to show off a little. I’ll be taking the yarn and supplies to work on Lancelot’s hat. The yarn is a super soft, gorgeous tonal green sock yarn that I think is going to work up great.

I really probably should make a list, inventory maybe, of the various projects I have started that need to be finished. I can think of three shawls that are hanging out in various stages of “done” that probably could be finished pretty quickly.

What I should really do is go through the yarn stash and try to match yarn to potential patterns. And maybe think about making more than just shawls. Maybe.

straightening things out

I’m not really much of a “girlie” girl. I’m not into soft colors, lots of makeup, fussy hair, none of that.

I am much more like Hilda; free-spirited, comfortable in my own skin (most of the time), a little awkward, and a little on the chubby side.

Hilda is classic pin-up and, even though she’s a fictional character, she’s a hero in my world.

But I digress…

Lancelot and I got things worked out. Talking, communicating really, is the key to any relationship, be it romantic or professional. We both agreed that texting is often the problem with us. Work is being done, by both of us. I am quite optimistic.

The other bit of straightening out has to do solely with me.

I love this haircut and I love the contrast between the dark purple and the blonde bangs. The thing that was making me unhappy was I have yet to find a hair product that would spike up the back and straighten out the bangs, and actually last all day. I had to resort to drastic measures and purchase a flat iron. I adore it. I think the results are quite lovely.

I’m still working to finish the purple shawl. I hope to have that done yet this week so that next week I can work on Lancelot’s hat while we’re on vacation together. We do now have plans to take a trip and stay at what looks to be a very romantic little B&B. I can’t wait.

 

the proof is in the purple

Or is that pudding? I never can remember…

That is the current knitting project. It’s called something like One Skein Wonder and the yarn is Knit Picks Stroll Tonal. It’s beyond pretty and stupid simple. I love, love, LOVE it.

Last night I decided to tackle a few of the little annoying projects around the house and was really pleased with myself that I managed to get shit done. YAY ME!!!

The weather here has been cooler so I’ve been opening the window for the boys. The firmly believe that they’re guarding the castle. Too cute.

Apparently this morning they talked my mom into giving them wet kitty food and Eric was afraid it was going to wander off. Silly boy.

This afternoon is therapy and I’m really quite excited. I love my therapist, our visits are a lot like girlfriends just shooting the shit with some nuggets of brilliant advice thrown in. I haven’t seen her since Lancelot and I started dating so I have all of that excitement to share with her.

Speaking of brilliant advice – start your day with Dropkick Murphys. Nothing like “Rose Tattoo” to get the day going.

goals? what goals?

I like to torture myself.

Now before you get all upset about that statement, let me explain. I decided this morning that I would check and see how I’m doing on the goals I set for myself this year. I thought I’d maybe be able to pat myself on the back a wee bit for a job well done.

Oh how incredibly fucking wrong I was.

But do you know what the great thing is about goals? You can keep working on them until you reach them. And if they’re too crazy hard, you can modify them. The best difference between a goal and a resolution, like a New Year’s resolution, is that a goal will never imply that there’s something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Goals imply that you’d like to make a change or an improvement and they encourage you to get there.

So I haven’t been making the kind of progress I had hoped with the goals I set for this year, but my world hasn’t ended and I certainly don’t feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Actually, not doing so well with a few of my goals is helping me to see areas that really do need improvement.

No experience is truly a failure if you learn something from it.

This weekend is going to be chock full of fucks for magical shit. I’m going to hang out with Lancelot, I’m going to work on my grad school application, I have a gorgeous (and amazingly easy) purple shawl with me to work on, I’m going to cook, and I suspect there will be snuggles aplenty.

 

when the mentals strike

I like to think that I’m in a reasonably good place with my mental health recovery process. I’m still working at the same place I have been since the start of this, I get up and go to work every day, I pay my bills, I maintain relationships with my family and friends, and I do a reasonable job of taking care of myself. But some days, some days it really just doesn’t pay to chew through the fucking leather restraints.

Let me set the scene…

Monday is Humira injection day. It’s certainly not a terrible thing but I always have a small reaction at the injection site. It itches like holy hell for a little while and then the area stays kind of hard for another day. Not unbearable but not exciting either. Add to that a delightfully large and unpleasant cyst in a particularly unpleasant place. And rain. We’re getting enough rain right now that I’m honestly considering building an Ark.

Yesterday morning I started getting texts from my “friend” on campus at 6:30am saying he needed help with something. I put him off but FFS, I do not like starting my day by being harassed like that. Besides, I had a rotten data collection project to get done for my boss.

Then the emails from the particularly needy faculty member started flooding in and I just wanted to jump through the computer and give her a high five. In the forehead. With a metal folding chair.

So by the time I got to talk to Lancelot at lunch my anxiety was already through the motherfucking roof. I was hyper aware of every word, every nuance of tone of voice, all of the reactions to what I said. I hate being like that. HATE IT. Which of course meant that I “read” something that wasn’t there. And then he fell asleep because it was, after all, time for him to do so.

But I didn’t know that. And so I proceeded to commence with a spectacular freak out. Oh it was so ugly and embarrassing…

I was able to talk to him for a few minutes last night before he left for work and, as any sane and rational human being would have pointed out to my mental ass, he was confused as hell but not upset with me.

I absolutely hate being this way.

In other news…

The hat for Mom is coming along nicely. I have the ribbing and the garter section done, should start the pattern rows tonight. The problem is that the yarn she picked is dark blue and purple with black. It is definitely not something I can work on when the light is poor. I am hoping it will be done by the time we leave for vacation on Saturday. Not that I think she needs a wool hat just yet, more just that I’d like to finish it.

who’s life am i living?

Some stuff has happened since last I decided to write. First, I have fo sho decided to go back to grad school again. Because really, who doesn’t need multiple Master’s degrees? Second, my desk came and my office looks amazing. No pictures yet but you’ll get them. And third, I spent a solid 24 hours with Lancelot and it was AMAZING.

Oh, but who is this fine fella?

That is my handsome man. He is tall, has the most stunning blue eyes, a smile that lights up the room, gives the best hugs ever, is super funny, very sweet, off the charts smart, and for some strange reason thinks I’m beautiful. And yes, I grin like an idiot damn near the whole time I’m with him. For a jaded old bitch who thought she’d never find a man worth the time of day… Well, let’s just say that I have never in my life been more delighted to be 100% WRONG.

Another thing that’s happened…

I have returned to my preferred plumage. Purple and blonde really does suit me. You can’t really tell in this pic but I was sporting a very lovely pair of original earrings that Lancelot got for me yesterday while we were roaming around downtown.

And, this is happening right now…

That is a lovely new little air plant that I’ve fashioned a hanging apparatus for. The boys think plants are salad and I disagree. I also picked up an aloe vera plant today and something with really cool purple leaves to plant in the skull.

Have I mentioned that I am ridiculously happy these days?

happy hump day y’all

Welcome to day 3 of the Fall Semester! Crayons are on your left, straight-jackets on the right, please don’t lick the windows…

Seriously though, the last late night is now behind me for awhile and life should start to settle down. My sleep schedule is getting back to normal which is fabulous and I’ve even started knitting again. Admittedly I’m just knitting washcloths, but still. I’m hell bent on using up all of that cotton yarn before I move on to other projects.

I was thinking last night that I should take a few pictures. One, all of the washcloths I’ve already made that need to be seamed and have the ends woven in. It’s a double-digit number. And two, all of the other projects I’ve started working on but haven’t finished yet. I don’t think that’s a double-digit but I wouldn’t put it past myself.

On the work scene, I am officially housed in my new office but I still don’t have my desk which means I’m still not really moved in. So that kind of stinks. But it’s coming and will hopefully arrive soon. Things are going fairly well here otherwise. I had a faculty friend deliver a little bag of goodies yesterday which was a super lovely surprise.

random fabulous goodness

There are bubbles, silly putty, glow in the dark stars, and I can’t remember what else. But amazingly cool.

Also amazingly cool, Lancelot is coming to my office on Friday to visit me. I’m so excited to get to introduce him to my co-workers that I could just squee!!! Hei hei and Petey Panda are also excited.

ok, so maybe they’re excited about something else…