i wanna be sedated

If you’re familiar with The Ramones, well, there ya go.

Life is, very slowly, getting back to “normal.” I’m still irritable as all fuck but I’m trying. I have started eating again and I’m doing the things I know will help. But here’s the problem…

Slowing down to get out of the manic phase means slowing down. I don’t like slowing down.

I did realize the other day, earlier today, who knows… Anyway, I realized that Lancelot hasn’t known me when I wasn’t at least a bit manic. And that scares me. What if he doesn’t like the more mellow me? What if my slowness is boring?

He reassures me that this won’t happen and I’m trying not to let it trip me up. But I’m concerned.

I’m also concerned that my body appears to hate me more than usual right now. My skin stuff is acting up Big Time.

I did sleep last night. As long as I continue to sleep things will improve. I was also able to start the second hat last night which was nothing short of a miracle. I’m very thankful for it because the girls have a baton competition on Saturday and then there’s a fight on that night that Lancelot has already said he wants to watch so I’ll have ample opportunity to knit this weekend.

I’m thinking for the trip I’ll take supplies for two different shawls. They don’t tend to take up much room or need much other than the yarn and needles. I doubt I’ll be able to finish two, especially since the doc says she’s going to make sure I sleep on the flights, but still.

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goals? what goals?

I like to torture myself.

Now before you get all upset about that statement, let me explain. I decided this morning that I would check and see how I’m doing on the goals I set for myself this year. I thought I’d maybe be able to pat myself on the back a wee bit for a job well done.

Oh how incredibly fucking wrong I was.

But do you know what the great thing is about goals? You can keep working on them until you reach them. And if they’re too crazy hard, you can modify them. The best difference between a goal and a resolution, like a New Year’s resolution, is that a goal will never imply that there’s something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Goals imply that you’d like to make a change or an improvement and they encourage you to get there.

So I haven’t been making the kind of progress I had hoped with the goals I set for this year, but my world hasn’t ended and I certainly don’t feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Actually, not doing so well with a few of my goals is helping me to see areas that really do need improvement.

No experience is truly a failure if you learn something from it.

This weekend is going to be chock full of fucks for magical shit. I’m going to hang out with Lancelot, I’m going to work on my grad school application, I have a gorgeous (and amazingly easy) purple shawl with me to work on, I’m going to cook, and I suspect there will be snuggles aplenty.

 

forgive me, my followers, for I have strayed…

Since last we spoke I have…

  • Bought 3 new pairs of knitting needles, because they were on clearance, and they’re bamboo
  • Bought 3 new pairs of shoes
  • Bought clothes – for work
  • Gained some weight and lost some weight
  • Did a pretty thorough clean-out of most of my crap
  • Got confirmation that we will be moving office space at work; I get to see the new digs tomorrow
  • Taken a week off work
  • Started a sewing project
  • Finished some smaller projects
  • Realized how amazing sugar free chocolate syrup and club soda mixed together are
  • Discovered why zoodles are so exciting, and yummy

I’m doing alright, keeping busy mostly. The cats like to help which isn’t really much help at all, but I love them.

I’m also still single, which is still just fine. I ended up needing to help a guy on campus that I had a prolonged, and mostly painful, “thing” with and it was sad, but not how you’d think. Damn near every gift I had ever given him was in his office, prominently displayed. I’m not sure if that was for my benefit that day or if he’s got a new woman going to his apartment regularly who isn’t interested in seeing that shit laying around. Who knows. With him anything is possible. Regardless, it was purely professional. Yay me.

where to begin

Obviously, at the beginning.

Life has a way of sneaking up on me, particularly in the spring. Something about the change of the seasons has a tendency to make me lean more towards the manic side of life more than usual. Fear not, I’m taking my meds and seeing the therapist and sleeping and trying to eat. I’m doing the things I need to do, I promise. Wanna see?

homemade air freshener gel stuff
a new recipe one night – chicken enchilada pizza, muy yummo
Eric eating cat grass on the back deck
lilacs in bloom on campus, heavenly
my new boyfriend, I mean 3D printed planter
I got my haircut, drastically, and I am a derp
I should not be allowed to have a Pinterest account
panda earrings, duh

In other news, I’m still fighting with my weight. And the triangle scarf. And the back of the vest that I wanted desperately to wear looks like a lavender nipple.

I can’t win them all.

At Mom’s suggestion I’m making a list of projects I have started and need to finish as well as things I know I want to do. It’s rather impressive honestly. But I had forgotten about some of these supplies so really, I should do something with them.

In that vein, I’m seriously contemplating opening an Etsy shop. I have a ton of materials that I could turn into product to sell. Mom asked me if I’d really want to have that kind of inventory on hand, but it seems to me that it’s not really different than just having the raw goods.

Anyone gone that route? Suggestions? Warnings? Recipes for good margaritas? Bueller?

proof that I knit and that my body still hates me

This is the vest I’ve been working on. We dog sat again this weekend and let tell you, repetitive garter stitch is perfect for watching movies. I used Rebecca Hope Obsorn’s Nebula Medallion Vest pattern and, as usual for me, did it my own damn way, mostly because I used only a little handspun yarn but not bulky and then three other commercial worsted weight yarns. The two solid purples are (I think) Cascade 220 that’s been in my stash for years. The aqua collar is a new acquisition but of course I can’t remember what it’s called. That gorgeous stuff in the middle is the handspun. One of my good friends who happens to be a librarian here made it for me before I had the cyst removed in December. Look her up on Instagram, she goes by @teaspinning. I plan on wearing this tomorrow. YAY!!!

I have gotten back to work on the triangles shawl/scarf thing. I’m going to try to get it done before the weekend because this Saturday my nieces have a big ass competition and it’s close enough that Mom and I will go to it. We’ve been to enough of these that we have it down to an art.

We’ll be taking:

  • bleacher chairs
  • a knitting project for me
  • all 3 of Mom’s tablets
  • large insulated drink cups
  • those little sticks of drink mix
  • snacks that don’t make messes or get fingers dirty (for the girls)

Most of that goes in my backpack. I don’t mind going usually. Inevitably someone will strike up a conversation about whatever project I’m working on. And my nieces are amazingly talented so it’s fun to get to see them in action.

Okay, time for the “body hates me” news…

Last Thursday night I taught a class. While I was up front talking I noticed that the middle finger on the right hand hurt and was swelling. That’s the finger I wear rings on so I got those off and kept going. I had apparently blown a blood vessel. The finger hurt like hell until Saturday morning.

Sunday afternoon Mom and I were doing stuff in the yard, nothing major. I stopped to get a drink and the index finger on the left hand popped, like I felt something pop, and it started turning black and blue and got hard. It’s starting to feel better now but I gotta tell ya, this is just weird.

In the “my body hates salad” news… I lost FOUR POUNDS last week. I am pleased.

entirely unfaithful

I’m wearing fat jeans today. There is no body shaming here; I’ve been a fat girl for a long time. These are not the jeans I seek.

I actually said “no thank you” to a donut this morning. It was probably chocolate, I didn’t even look. I ate a salad, a banana, a yogurt thingy, and some tiny oranges and grapes for lunch. I’m going on a trip this summer for a work conference and I have some really cute summer clothes that currently would not fit on my fat ass.

I want to cheat on this diet like I’m currently hooked up with Danny DeVito and Matt Damon is knocking on my front door.

What I am cheating on are my knitting projects, all FOUR of them. This is so unlike me. Well, it’s unlike the “today” me. It’s totally like the “2006” version of me.

I have that cool triangle scarf going, or at least I did until Eric grabbed the yarn in his little kitty mouth and broke it. Nothing horrible, totally workable, but it made me fall out of love with it.

I have that super neat looking beaded shawl in the works, but having to stop at the end of every other row to use a tiny crochet hook and put a bead on is making progress kind of like using an Ez-Bake Oven to crank out a wedding cake to feed 500 guests.

There’s the awesome circular vest that I haven’t shown y’all yet.

It’s way bigger than that now and the colors are a million times more amazing. But now it’s big enough that I need to start the collar which means deciding what color yarn to use. Plus, provisional cast on. Not interesting. But I totally want this done because it’s beautiful.

And that leaves the last project, the one that I might work on today. Maybe.

Yes, that’s a washcloth. I have roughly 142, 321, 796 of these already. I must have one more.

Hmm, decisions, decisions…

ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

So I’m happy to report that being 42 is every bit as awesome as I hoped it would be. I got to spend time with some friends last week, my work-husband brought me donuts, I completely blew the whole healthy eating thing, my Panda Princess Partner is back from maternity leave, and I’ve decided that my world is well and truly a drama free zone.

There has been some “moving on” because of that, namely with the guy scene. I just have no desire to be anyone’s second choice and I’m implementing some standards. Who’d have thunk?

I’m also taking a stab at round two of making a shawl that turned out to be a heinous disaster the first time. Did y’all know that actually reading the damn instructions makes a huge difference? I meant to bring it with me today since I have a hair appointment tonight and then I could have taken a pic, but alas, I’m forgetful.

In other super exciting news, I turned in my final project for an online professional development course I’ve been taking and I got great feedback from the woman who was facilitating. My #1 Strength according to the Clifton Strengths Finder assessment is Learner and boy do I ever love to be learning new things. That’s one of the perks of working in higher education; there’s always something new to learn and lots of opportunities to do so.

Anyway, what I just finished was considered a certificate. I have a B.S., an M.A., a graduate certificate from the university where I work, and now two professional certificates from other universities. One of these days I should think about a doctorate degree but I’m not ready to commit yet.

Now for some visual distractions…

the fifty-cent garter stitch scarf

That’s the scarf that resulted from my fabulous yarn score at the artist garage sale. The length is good, not obnoxiously long, and the colors are really interesting. It was a nice, relaxing knit.

hanging violet (click for bigger pic)

I absolutely love African violets, and so do the boys. I haven’t had any for awhile because, well, they killed the ones I did have and I hadn’t figured out how to keep one safe. So I got a tiny 2″ potted violet, a plastic cup, some pebbles, soil, and leftover sock yarn. I crocheted a solid base and then did the netting around the sides. It’s lovely.

a friend at work crocheted me a lovely purple blanket which the boys promptly claimed… this one is Eric (click for bigger pic)