one of those mornings

The packing is coming along, though I realized this morning that my best bet may be to take a backpack and small carry-on suitcase in addition to the larger checked bag. I’m still not sold on this idea, but it’s sounding more appealing. I’ll examine more tonight when I start putting the pharmaceutical portion of my baggage together.

Clothing, jewelry, shoes, snacks, and my overnight bag for Thursday is all done. So that counts for something I think.

This morning I woke up around 4:30, about the time Lancelot finished him lunch break I think. And that was fine, I was rested by that point and ready to get up. I had time to finish the second hat, yay!, and make a smoothie and my bed. It felt productive and productive is good.

I’ve been trying to work on my communication skills lately, as in getting back to being able to talk about things like a grown-up and not throw temper tantrums. I feel like I’m making good progress, but I will say that there are still just some times when I’d prefer to punch people in the fucking throat.

In the “things that don’t make me want to throat punch someone” category… It’s not officially official until they send the letters later this week, but a little bird told me I’ve been accepted to grad school.

I’m really kind of starting to wonder what the fuck I’m getting myself into. I’ve done grad school once before, but I was obviously younger. Do I really still have the chops to do this? Am I honestly talented enough to do a writing program like this?

I talked to the one program coordinator this morning and he told me that he had read my application and that I had nothing to worry about, they were impressed. But still. I have a lot of years of thinking that I’m shit at this stuff that I’ll be fighting against.

Gotta try though.

goals? what goals?

I like to torture myself.

Now before you get all upset about that statement, let me explain. I decided this morning that I would check and see how I’m doing on the goals I set for myself this year. I thought I’d maybe be able to pat myself on the back a wee bit for a job well done.

Oh how incredibly fucking wrong I was.

But do you know what the great thing is about goals? You can keep working on them until you reach them. And if they’re too crazy hard, you can modify them. The best difference between a goal and a resolution, like a New Year’s resolution, is that a goal will never imply that there’s something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Goals imply that you’d like to make a change or an improvement and they encourage you to get there.

So I haven’t been making the kind of progress I had hoped with the goals I set for this year, but my world hasn’t ended and I certainly don’t feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Actually, not doing so well with a few of my goals is helping me to see areas that really do need improvement.

No experience is truly a failure if you learn something from it.

This weekend is going to be chock full of fucks for magical shit. I’m going to hang out with Lancelot, I’m going to work on my grad school application, I have a gorgeous (and amazingly easy) purple shawl with me to work on, I’m going to cook, and I suspect there will be snuggles aplenty.

 

fun, games, and injections

How can you not love that smile? Seriously? And those gorgeous blue eyes? He’s amazing. And he’s posing with Yorick. If you recall, Yorick was temporarily my boyfriend. He has since taken up residence with Lancelot.

So it’s maybe silly but since he works 3rd shift and I work during the day we typically only see each other on the weekend, so we frequently send each other silly selfies like this. It helps. Don’t ask me to explain it, it just does.

In other news, I sported a big ol’ purple silk flower yesterday that got a lot more attention than I thought it would. I need to figure out how to make these things.

The dermatologist even commented on it. Speaking of which, I’m doing great. My bloodwork was perfect, symptoms are improving, he’s very pleased. I’m backing down to every other week for the injections. It has also been suggested that I modify my diet some and begin exercising. I can do that.

Have I mentioned going back to school for a second Master’s degree? Yeah, I need a 40 page writing sample to submit by October 1st. No pressure.

forgive me, my followers, for I have strayed…

Since last we spoke I have…

  • Bought 3 new pairs of knitting needles, because they were on clearance, and they’re bamboo
  • Bought 3 new pairs of shoes
  • Bought clothes – for work
  • Gained some weight and lost some weight
  • Did a pretty thorough clean-out of most of my crap
  • Got confirmation that we will be moving office space at work; I get to see the new digs tomorrow
  • Taken a week off work
  • Started a sewing project
  • Finished some smaller projects
  • Realized how amazing sugar free chocolate syrup and club soda mixed together are
  • Discovered why zoodles are so exciting, and yummy

I’m doing alright, keeping busy mostly. The cats like to help which isn’t really much help at all, but I love them.

I’m also still single, which is still just fine. I ended up needing to help a guy on campus that I had a prolonged, and mostly painful, “thing” with and it was sad, but not how you’d think. Damn near every gift I had ever given him was in his office, prominently displayed. I’m not sure if that was for my benefit that day or if he’s got a new woman going to his apartment regularly who isn’t interested in seeing that shit laying around. Who knows. With him anything is possible. Regardless, it was purely professional. Yay me.

where to begin

Obviously, at the beginning.

Life has a way of sneaking up on me, particularly in the spring. Something about the change of the seasons has a tendency to make me lean more towards the manic side of life more than usual. Fear not, I’m taking my meds and seeing the therapist and sleeping and trying to eat. I’m doing the things I need to do, I promise. Wanna see?

homemade air freshener gel stuff
a new recipe one night – chicken enchilada pizza, muy yummo
Eric eating cat grass on the back deck
lilacs in bloom on campus, heavenly
my new boyfriend, I mean 3D printed planter
I got my haircut, drastically, and I am a derp
I should not be allowed to have a Pinterest account
panda earrings, duh

In other news, I’m still fighting with my weight. And the triangle scarf. And the back of the vest that I wanted desperately to wear looks like a lavender nipple.

I can’t win them all.

At Mom’s suggestion I’m making a list of projects I have started and need to finish as well as things I know I want to do. It’s rather impressive honestly. But I had forgotten about some of these supplies so really, I should do something with them.

In that vein, I’m seriously contemplating opening an Etsy shop. I have a ton of materials that I could turn into product to sell. Mom asked me if I’d really want to have that kind of inventory on hand, but it seems to me that it’s not really different than just having the raw goods.

Anyone gone that route? Suggestions? Warnings? Recipes for good margaritas? Bueller?

proof that I knit and that my body still hates me

This is the vest I’ve been working on. We dog sat again this weekend and let tell you, repetitive garter stitch is perfect for watching movies. I used Rebecca Hope Obsorn’s Nebula Medallion Vest pattern and, as usual for me, did it my own damn way, mostly because I used only a little handspun yarn but not bulky and then three other commercial worsted weight yarns. The two solid purples are (I think) Cascade 220 that’s been in my stash for years. The aqua collar is a new acquisition but of course I can’t remember what it’s called. That gorgeous stuff in the middle is the handspun. One of my good friends who happens to be a librarian here made it for me before I had the cyst removed in December. Look her up on Instagram, she goes by @teaspinning. I plan on wearing this tomorrow. YAY!!!

I have gotten back to work on the triangles shawl/scarf thing. I’m going to try to get it done before the weekend because this Saturday my nieces have a big ass competition and it’s close enough that Mom and I will go to it. We’ve been to enough of these that we have it down to an art.

We’ll be taking:

  • bleacher chairs
  • a knitting project for me
  • all 3 of Mom’s tablets
  • large insulated drink cups
  • those little sticks of drink mix
  • snacks that don’t make messes or get fingers dirty (for the girls)

Most of that goes in my backpack. I don’t mind going usually. Inevitably someone will strike up a conversation about whatever project I’m working on. And my nieces are amazingly talented so it’s fun to get to see them in action.

Okay, time for the “body hates me” news…

Last Thursday night I taught a class. While I was up front talking I noticed that the middle finger on the right hand hurt and was swelling. That’s the finger I wear rings on so I got those off and kept going. I had apparently blown a blood vessel. The finger hurt like hell until Saturday morning.

Sunday afternoon Mom and I were doing stuff in the yard, nothing major. I stopped to get a drink and the index finger on the left hand popped, like I felt something pop, and it started turning black and blue and got hard. It’s starting to feel better now but I gotta tell ya, this is just weird.

In the “my body hates salad” news… I lost FOUR POUNDS last week. I am pleased.

entirely unfaithful

I’m wearing fat jeans today. There is no body shaming here; I’ve been a fat girl for a long time. These are not the jeans I seek.

I actually said “no thank you” to a donut this morning. It was probably chocolate, I didn’t even look. I ate a salad, a banana, a yogurt thingy, and some tiny oranges and grapes for lunch. I’m going on a trip this summer for a work conference and I have some really cute summer clothes that currently would not fit on my fat ass.

I want to cheat on this diet like I’m currently hooked up with Danny DeVito and Matt Damon is knocking on my front door.

What I am cheating on are my knitting projects, all FOUR of them. This is so unlike me. Well, it’s unlike the “today” me. It’s totally like the “2006” version of me.

I have that cool triangle scarf going, or at least I did until Eric grabbed the yarn in his little kitty mouth and broke it. Nothing horrible, totally workable, but it made me fall out of love with it.

I have that super neat looking beaded shawl in the works, but having to stop at the end of every other row to use a tiny crochet hook and put a bead on is making progress kind of like using an Ez-Bake Oven to crank out a wedding cake to feed 500 guests.

There’s the awesome circular vest that I haven’t shown y’all yet.

It’s way bigger than that now and the colors are a million times more amazing. But now it’s big enough that I need to start the collar which means deciding what color yarn to use. Plus, provisional cast on. Not interesting. But I totally want this done because it’s beautiful.

And that leaves the last project, the one that I might work on today. Maybe.

Yes, that’s a washcloth. I have roughly 142, 321, 796 of these already. I must have one more.

Hmm, decisions, decisions…

long time no write

Not dead yet! Life has been hectic and there have been bits where I’m doing good to keep my head above water. But even though life has been more about the treading than making progress lately, I haven’t drowned yet. I call that good.

While I haven’t done super great with the goals lately, I haven’t done super awful either. I haven’t lost weight but I also haven’t gained. And I spent money on stuff I didn’t truly need, but I haven’t gone beyond the funds I had set aside. And of the the things I did buy, none of it was craft supplies. Mostly it was digital music and a new small set of markers, both of which I use at work.

Work is good these days, and it’s part of what’s keeping me going. There is no shortage of stuff to do. And I love these crazy people. Over lunch today I had one of my faculty friends stop by needing a favor and he was all “I totally owe you coffee for this!” No sir, this is called doing my job. I told him that I’ll take care of him and he can take care of the students.

Honestly, that’s how I measure my success – retention and graduation rates. If we aren’t keeping students long enough for them to graduate then we aren’t doing something right and I feel like that comes back, at least in part, on me.

Anyway, still working on the other goals. I’m trying to get back on the whole healthy eating wagon. I spent time last night getting some lunches and fruit salad made. I’m also making good progress on my latest knitting adventure, a beaded shawl.

the beads are really subtle, they’re along the left edge in this pic

The pattern is simple and I’m loving it. Not sure how long it’s going to take to finish but I have been working on it regularly. And I finished some smaller projects in February so I feel pretty ok about that.

derp!

all the things, all the time

By way of a quick “goals” update, it was not a great week. I ate more junk food than I should have and was not quite as stringent with the budget as I should have been. On the plus side, the Visa has been paid off and I sent a hefty chunk to another card. But this super cold winter weather is just dragging me down.

At any rate, I have still been doing my best to keep moving forward, even if more slowly these days. I’m approaching my 42nd birthday and my 12th year in active treatment for Bipolar Disorder. I feel totally justified in slowing down.

There was a time in my life when I really did think I could do all the things all at the same time, which is utter crap. But I felt bullet proof and I was out to prove that I was. Oh how wrong I was…

Getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and taking the right medications have made a huge difference in my world, as has having the world’s most amazing mom.

I live with my mom and honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. We take care of each other, we do stuff together, and she helps to keep me on the straight and narrow. I can’t even imagine how lonely I would be if I lived alone.

Here’s hoping y’all have a good week.

month one – official wrap up

Sorry y’all, this is likely going to be a shorter than usual post. I’m not feeling so fabulous today and so sitting in this desk chair is not a good thing. But, accountability is a good thing, so here goes.

  1. Weight – I have lost exactly 5lbs since I started tracking this on January 1st. Yay!
  2. Money – I stuck to my budget last month. I ate out exactly 3x, I kept every receipt, and I didn’t even suffer for it.
  3. Eating better – I paid much more attention to what I was eating. Part of that is because of the food prepping I do. (hopefully more on that in a future post)

All in all, I’m counting January as a very good month and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made.