in a funk, wishing it was funkytown

The boys have been enjoying having empty boxes to play with, and so has Pippy. They see them as toys. I see them as reminders of the move. Don’t get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy that Lancelot lives here, I’ll be happier when the move is done. And that should be this weekend. Praise be to the Almighty Ceiling Cat.

The weather here hasn’t helped lately. Lots of rain and gray skies and cool weather. I guess that’s better than blazing heat, but it doesn’t exactly make me feel very energetic.

The house is coming together as are the wedding plans, and that’s good. But I haven’t really knit lately, or done anything else creative. Lately it’s been all I can do to keep up with the laundry and making dinner. I’m feeling a whole lot of brain fog right now and I Do Not Like It.

So rather than whine any more I think I’m going to go wind up a ball of yarn and try to start a new knitting project. Maybe cheating on my current WIPs will help.

where did I put that brilliant idea? I know I had one just a minute ago…

I can’t lie, I’m getting burned out. I’m trying not to let it happen but it is. I’m bored with being home so much but at the same time the idea of going “out” to do the things are allowed now just kind of freaks the hell out of me. Aside from the weekly grocery run this weekend we did go and get massages, and that was a Very Big Deal.

But the woman we go to is incredibly careful, in all things, and works out of a very small shop. We had to keep our masks on while she did the “face up” bits and then when we flipped over she had a pillow case contraption under the headrest that meant we could take the masks off. Everything thoroughly cleaned even between L and I. And it was heavenly to have a massage again. Yes, I am spoiled, but I was 100% willing to wear the mask and follow guidelines.

My big outing this morning was to campus, which even though it’s closed I was able to get onto because I’m considered “essential personnel.”

I’m not excited about that designation though it appears to come with perks. Not many.

But my trusty little laptop was being a little bitch and I figured it had something to do with not connecting to the MotherShip on campus in too long, and I was right. It had something like 20 Windows updates to run and it finally, after several weeks, fully acknowledged my new password. I was only there for a few hours but it was time well spent. She’s purring like a kitten now.

Wedding stuff is coming along nicely. My attire is all here – dress, shoes, headband, and jewelry – with the exception of what I’ll need to wear under my dress, and I’m not entirely sure how I’m handling that what with not really being able to try things on. I’ll figure it out. Lancelot’s kilt and whatnot have all been ordered and will hopefully be here in plenty of time. My flowers are here and they’re beautiful. We’ve got our application for the marriage license almost done (I need one stinking date!!!). The biggest thing yet is to decide where we’re having it.

I have been knitting some, still on the damn entrelac scarf. I’m starting to think it might actually be legit cold weather wear instead of a decorative piece. I need to see how it looks with my winter coat.

Tonight I’m thinking I might embark on a totally new adventure – quilling. I’ve been seeing all of these amazing things on Pinterest (BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!) that I really want to try. I mentioned it to L and showed him a kit I’d found on Amazon, and so the kit showed up the other day. I’m hoping that because it doesn’t have to be quite as precise as origami (I hope?) that I’ll be able to do it. Pics if I can make it work!

I’m still futzing around in the kitchen, trying to use the food we have on hand and not buy a ton of stuff. Are any of you trying to clean out the pantry in creative ways?

my favorite things I’ve made

I’m going to be real honest, this isn’t the type of post I normally do. But I want to post something today and the idea is mostly appealing, and I’m not in the frame of mind to write much else. And I will admit that the trip down memory lane to find these pictures was enjoyable. I just still have a lot to do with the move and I feel kind of horrible that I still have a lot to do. Anyway, here goes…

This is a circular vest that’s mostly knit, a little crochet. The very interesting striped area in the middle was hand spun by a dear friend and was a gift in 2017 when I had my left ovary removed. We didn’t know what was going on at the time so she named the yarn “Alien Removal Remedy.”

watercolor fused glass bowl

This is sitting just behind me right now and is one of the more interesting glass pieces I’ve made. It’s 3D and really does look like a flower.

I wish I could tell you how old this picture is but I really can’t. It was almost certainly pre-diagnosis, so before 2006, but other than that I can’t recall. The hat was a first prize winner in a contest at the yarn shop I went to every Thursday night. It’s a black bucket style hat, knit and then felted, and the roses were also felted and then sewn on, and there are a few needle felted tendrils. All of the roses and leaves were done using scrap yarn. I still have, and wear, that hat to this day.

In the days before Lithium I was able to make beautiful beaded works of art. Now, not at all. I made several of these angel ornaments and kept this blue one for myself. The body and wings are made from 11/0 seed beads. She’s still around here somewhere, a reminder of days gone by.

This was a rather large fused glass plate that I did entirely freehand. It was sitting on an oblong crocheted doily that I made, back when I could still do thread crochet. The plate has since been broken by overly energetic kittens.

When I was first diagnosed the women that I met with every Thursday took up a collection and bought me the most beautiful yarn to let me know they loved me. It was many, many years later before I was able to work with it but this is what I did. It’s a raglan style cardigan with a single button closure. Still have it, still love it.

One of the things I used to do a ton of was cross stitch. This isn’t cross stitch, it’s called blackwork, but it’s very similar. I spent my lunch breaks for I don’t even know how many weeks in 2003 working on this sampler. The bands were free patterns that I found online and pieced together myself. I am ridiculously proud of this. I had thought when Lancelot moved in that it would be moving out of the basement, but he apparently also really likes it.

In the course of my life I have done:

  • crochet
  • cross stitch / blackwork
  • macrame
  • jewelry making
  • ceramics / polymer clay
  • knitting
  • beadwork
  • drawing
  • fused glass
  • alcohol ink
  • photography

So there you have it, some of my favorite things. What have been your favorite projects?

 

building a life worth living

There’s a tenet in DBT that basically says you should be trying to build yourself a life that’s actually worth living, based on what’s important to you. It’s a weird concept for many of us with mental health struggles, but it’s well worth embracing. I’ve been trying to remind myself, a lot lately, that the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is that life worth living and I alone get to decide what’s included.

More importantly, I get to decide what’s NOT included.

My relationship with my sister has always been tenuous, even back to when we were kids. She likes to have her own way. No, actually, she always insists on having her own way. When we were young she would hit if she didn’t get what she wanted. As she grew older she used words. Mean, spiteful, hate filled words.

I have to stop to insert a bit of happy news. My mom is getting married. She’s known R since they were 9 years old, he’s a very nice man, and I have never seen her this happy before. I am 100% over the moon excited for them, and so is Lancelot. Hell, so is everyone who knows. Everyone except my sister and the kids.

Somehow she’s convinced that it’s possible to cheat on a dead man. I don’t get it. R’s pastor doesn’t get it. “Til death do you part” means that when one of you dies the other is no longer married. But, not in H’s mind.

Over the course of the last week all hell has literally blown up. There’s been screaming, crying, cursing, and declaring people dead. That’s the point at which I blocked her number and decided that I really don’t need this bullshit.

I’m fairly sure that it’ll be a very long time before I see my nieces again, if ever. H has always used them as a weapon, and that’s unfortunate. I just can’t tolerate the hate she keeps spewing. Sometimes walking away is the victorious thing to do.

Pippy says that sitting on people is also victorious.

In other good news, this is my last day of work for a whole week. Lancelot and I had originally had this week off to dog sit while Mom went on a trip, but that was before the world went sideways so now we’re going to use the time to start moving him in officially. I’m very excited about that.

I’m hoping that once life settles into a bit more of a regular routine I’ll be able to start knitting again. Right now by the time I finish working for the day I have just enough energy to make something to eat, watch a little news, and then crawl into bed. Once we get things cleaned out and organized, oh and moved, I think that’s going to help.

On a tangent, does anyone else live somewhere you can now get cocktails to go with your carry out order? L and I did carry out fajitas from our favorite Mexican restaurant a few weeks ago and got blue margaritas to go with them. That is one of the odder, yet nicer, things to come out of The Rona.

insert catchy title here

I had my first date with Lancelot on August 12, 2018. It was  pretty much love at first sight for me. Those big blue eyes, that gentle smile, the sarcasm. I was sold.

We’ve had our share of rough times since then. I’ve left the country three times, started and then stopped a second graduate degree, and he’s worked a fuckton of overtime. But we’ve stuck together because we love each other.

Life around here has been interesting. The university has decided to give students an extended spring break and then everyone is moving to online. I think it’s only a matter of time before the campus is shut down entirely.

I don’t necessarily object to working from home. I would have the boys around.

And I could for sure pick Lancelot up every morning.

I would miss my friends though, and the structure of work. I think that’s something a lot of people aren’t really thinking about yet. Kids, and people like me, need that structure. When we don’t have our regular routines we eventually suffer.

I can already see it happening with me.

I have a serious backlog of laundry, the sheets desperately need to be change, the plants need to be watered, pills need to be filled, and I haven’t knit in what feels like forever. Today I’m at work but I’m in jeans, no makeup, and the only jewelry is my ring from L. Kind of feels like a rock bottom to me. And that can mean only one thing.

you spin me right round, baby right round…

Life is not so swell right now. There’s too much stress, both in my professional life and in my personal life. It’s like everything is ganging up on me all at once, expecting me to waltz on a turntable while wearing stiletto heels and a bear suit, but the music is way too fast and why the fuck am I wearing the damn bear suit?

Sorry, I digress.

Work is getting to be flat out overwhelming sometimes. There’s only so much of me to go around and there are a whole lot of projects that I’m expected to work on. I’m doing the best I can, treading water mostly, but I’m good at it.

The personal life stuff centers around my sister and her youngest daughter. A is 10 and is being treated for anxiety. Our (mom, sis, and I) opinion is that she’s also dealing with OCD. It’s hard because she can’t really articulate what she needs or even what triggers her to have “meltdowns.” It’s hard because we feel helpless right now. So sis is working to find her a better therapist and psychiatrist and that will hopefully help, a LOT.

Mom and Lancelot are good, thank dog. L and I tend to take turns in the mornings when I’m driving him home from work venting our frustrations from the day before. It’s nice supplemental therapy for me.

I am still knitting, which is part of what keeps me sane. I finished the striped shawl last night but, true to form, did not take a picture. It’s not terribly bit but I think it’s cute. I haven’t yet finished the green scarf with the buttons but I have worked on it. And I’ve been working on this…

It’s a very basic entrelac scarf using size 3 needles and Malabrigo Sock in the Rayon Vert colorway. I love it. It’s definitely going to be an indoor accessory type of scarf as opposed to actual warm outerwear.

Eric says you don’t need warm outerwear if you stay inside snuggled in your kitty bed all day.

I kind of feel like I have too many irons in the fire, and today I totally haz the dumbz, but I’m managing. I know the things I need to do in order to take care of myself and I’m doing my best to do them. I just keep reminding myself that, to date, my survival rate has been 100%. And that is definitely worth celebrating.

still kicking

Those are the shell components of what was supposed to be a shawl. I ran out of yarn too soon and so it would have maybe fit a toddler. So, what to do with all of these pieces? A really funky scarf.

I’m using the buttons to help sew the pieces together and then I’m also tacking down the top of the shells on the back. I think it’s going to work. It’s definitely going to be interesting. I’ve been working on this off and on for probably close to a year so it’s high time to get it done.

The stripe shawl has not gotten finished but it’s getting close. I woke up at 4am today and actually had some energy so I figured I should work on the scarf while I did.

Speaking of getting things done, I got my hair done last night. Seriously cut and all of the color stripped. There is a whole lotta silver in that mess. But I love it. It took me all of five minutes to fix it this morning. I will admit, my head was cold walking in to the office, but I’m sure I’ll get used to that.

Eric and his adorable kitty nose say hello.