the countdown is on

Eleven days from now, almost precisely, I’ll be on a plane bound for Newark, NJ and then on to India. I’m at that strange place between petrified and exhilarated. Tonight I’m going to get out the suitcase and start “practice packing” as my one friend at work suggested. I probably need to do laundry before I can really do that given that I was at Lancelot’s all weekend (again) and haven’t caught up on my laundry.

I think dresses will be good for the working days of this trip. Single pieces, I should be able to get ones that will all work fine with black flats, and they’ll travel well. The other few days are what I’m not 100% sure about, mostly because I’ll spend part of that time sleeping in said clothes. Good times.

At any rates, things are coming together. My hair has been cut, nails will get done this weekend, supplies for the trip are being acquired. My last shot until I get back will be tonight when I get home.

Lancelot surprised me in the most delightful way this weekend. He’s taking a day off this week so we can have a long weekend together. I knew about that. What I didn’t know was that he also took the night before I leave off so that we can have some to spend together then. Utterly sweet.

The mental health stuff is coming along. There are still ups and downs, and patches of downright bitchy, but with lots of love and support I’ve been getting through it. The sleeping issues are almost entirely under control again. Last night was rough but my back was sore and that never helps.

Oddly enough I’m almost more worried about which knitting projects to take with me than anything else.

the crazy runs deep

It shouldn’t surprise me, this creeping madness, but it always does. It’s not as though it was overnight process to get there, it certainly isn’t to get out of it. But I have very little patience even at the best of times, which this is not.

Updates, as such…

I am sleeping, fairly regularly. I didn’t sleep well over the weekend because my skin stuff acted up something FIERCE. It’s finally subsiding. But I was in bed by 7pm last night.

My nieces did well at their competition. Unfortunately that much time in a bleacher chair didn’t help my skin.

The time I spent with Lancelot was mostly good. I’ll take it. I’m working hard to keep things with him good and keep moving forward with appropriate communication. I have a ways to go. But he’s still the one I want.

I got quite a bit of progress made with the second hat on Saturday. I haven’t measured but I would say I got about 4″ of the body knit. I put it down last night in favor of something new because the tiny needles were cramping my hands. I had purchased 4 balls of a KnitPicks yarn that’s similar to Noro Silk Garden and started a fairly simple garter stitch shawl with it. I think it’s going to be gorgeous.

I’m hoping this is a quiet week. I have roughly 3 weeks worth of dress clothes to wash and a new wireless network to setup at home. Fun times.

i wanna be sedated

If you’re familiar with The Ramones, well, there ya go.

Life is, very slowly, getting back to “normal.” I’m still irritable as all fuck but I’m trying. I have started eating again and I’m doing the things I know will help. But here’s the problem…

Slowing down to get out of the manic phase means slowing down. I don’t like slowing down.

I did realize the other day, earlier today, who knows… Anyway, I realized that Lancelot hasn’t known me when I wasn’t at least a bit manic. And that scares me. What if he doesn’t like the more mellow me? What if my slowness is boring?

He reassures me that this won’t happen and I’m trying not to let it trip me up. But I’m concerned.

I’m also concerned that my body appears to hate me more than usual right now. My skin stuff is acting up Big Time.

I did sleep last night. As long as I continue to sleep things will improve. I was also able to start the second hat last night which was nothing short of a miracle. I’m very thankful for it because the girls have a baton competition on Saturday and then there’s a fight on that night that Lancelot has already said he wants to watch so I’ll have ample opportunity to knit this weekend.

I’m thinking for the trip I’ll take supplies for two different shawls. They don’t tend to take up much room or need much other than the yarn and needles. I doubt I’ll be able to finish two, especially since the doc says she’s going to make sure I sleep on the flights, but still.

12 notes

Mama, are you in there?

I do actually have some legit stuff to talk about, but I need to vent a little first. Bear with me.

I took my laptop home this weekend so I could do a few things. This isn’t something I do too often, but it’s not unheard of. I was good and early this morning, feeling pretty good about getting up in plenty of time, right until I walked into my office with just my purse and my coffee and saw my empty desk.

My empty fucking desk where my laptop should have been. Only it wasn’t. It was still in my backpack in the back of my car.

Ok, put my office keys around my neck, duck out the side door, back to the parking garage to get my backpack out of the car. The side door is a one-way deal. You can go out but you can’t get back in. The very second I heard the latch click was when I remembered that my car keys were in my purse, not my coat pocket.

Out the door, around the building, back into the office, get the car keys, out to the garage, and finally back.

I should have worn my fucking Fitbit today.

On to the legit content…

Lancelot loved the hat and actually asked for another, identical, hat. When it gets really cold out he evidently layers hats. Not a problem, I had left the yarn and all the necessary supplies in their bag. I just need to cast on, 128 stitches, and start again.

The title of today’s post, a little more obscure than is typical even for me, but is sitting with me. I went with Mom yesterday and saw “A Star is Born.” I’m not going to spoil anything here, there are plenty of websites that will happily do that for you. The end is sad but it has to be. The story is very well told and the music is amazing. I do highly recommend it.

There is a scene towards the end where Bobby, the main character, Jack’s, brother, comments that Jack always said everyone gets the same 12 notes in an octave and that’s all you really have to tell your story.

As a writer I have the same 26 letters that I can combine with some punctuation to tell my story.

The real question, Jack’s question and mine now, what do you have to say? That’s what I’ll be working on.

nada

I have plenty of things I could show you today, but nothing I really can show you. Makes total sense, right?

I feel pretty today. Those are not words I utter often. But I am wearing all of the jewelry Lancelot has given me with the exception of the brooch I wore the other day. The earrings and necklace are perfect with a beautiful emerald green blouse I have. And honestly, how could a Celtic knot ring not look good? Especially next to a big ass Moonstone solitare. Ok, one picture…

Yes, his ring is on my middle finger. It is NOT an engagement ring. It’s a token of love intended to remind me of him when we’re apart. I very purposely selected it to fit that finger. And I love it.

Anyway, I know he reads this blog and he said he wanted to be surprised this afternoon when he sees me, so no pic of the rest. But for me to even think I look pretty, this is progress.

Other things that are progress would include the finished hat for him. I purposely didn’t take a picture of that since it’s a gift (of sorts) and he hasn’t seen it yet. But it turned out perfect and I know he’ll love it. It’s the Basic Beanie pattern I’ve used a million times. It’s well written, easy to follow, adaptable to any yarn, and always turns out great.

I’ve been looking for patterns to take on the trip. I definitely want something that I already have the yarn for, which shouldn’t be a problem given my stash. I’m also thinking I want something that will only take a single skein, just for ease of travel.

Yesterday I spent a little time switching a few things around in my office. I hadn’t put out a few treasures when I settled in to the new space and I realized that I really missed them. I think my work space really is cozy and professional at the same time.

It’s a Frisky Friday, go on and frolic…

in the light of the morning sun

Therapy yesterday was good. Amazing, really. I was able to recognize some patterns, in my behavior and his, and put words with a few of the intangible concepts that have been plaguing me.

I feel vulnerable because I don’t think my feelings are being validated. This is feeding into the Borderline tendency towards unstable behavior in relationships. It appears to me that he was shutting down yesterday because he may have been uncomfortable with my approach to information gathering. We should continue to work on keeping the lines of communication both open and honest.

I also need to acknowledge that there is more going on in my life than just this relationship. I’m working on my own health issues, Mom is dealing with one of her own, I am trying to get into grad school, work has been a bit odd, and then there is the whole overseas trip thing. All of these influence the others as well as the way I function as a person. I need to cut myself a bit of slack.

But here’s the good news – I have made significant progress in the way I work to control my anxiety, believe it or not.

There was a time in my life, prior to the last husband, where a day like yesterday would have been the end of the relationship. I’d have lost my shit and done all manner of pushy and ineffective things to try to force validation. And it would have backfired in a horrific way.

But I didn’t do any of that. Every coping mechanism I tried helped a little and wasn’t destructive. I am learning. You probably can’t grasp how proud I am of myself because of this.

Why is it different this time? She asked me that. What makes this guy so special? So I started listing all of the things that I love about Lancelot…

  • his smile lights up his whole face
  • the way he always tries to make me smile, even if he has to push up a corner of my mouth with his finger
  • his hugs
  • he’s smart and we have some of the most interesting conversations
  • his sense of humor
  • I feel safe with him, physically and emotionally
  • those kisses
  • he’s polite
  • in spite of what he would have you believe he really is a big teddy bear, a gentle giant
  • he treats me like a person, not an object

I could probably keep going like that for awhile, but hopefully you get the idea. I didn’t make it near that far with my therapist before the tears started.

He’s incredibly special to me and I love him, so this whole feeling vulnerable thing is harder than ever because I’m more invested in him than I’ve been in anyone in a ridiculously long time.

Bottom line – I want this to work and I am willing to put in the work to make that happen. And I believe in my heart of hearts that he is, too.

I’m feeling more optimistic this morning about my coping skills and about how things are going. I was referred to as “me darlin” last night, which was something I had very much hoped to hear since that usually seems to be a good indication of “all systems go.” Plus it makes me blush and smile at the same time. The only thing better is when he puts on his Irish accent and says my name and also adds “me darlin dear.” That melts my heart. Anyway, I also snuck in a very brief phone call and heard his voice which always helps settle me.

Needy? Yes, it was. Did it help? Most certainly. Worth the risk? Yes, it was.

I’m feeling much better today than I was yesterday, which is always good. Part of the feeling better is that I have my Visa for the India trip, which was another piece I was waiting for. Yay! Now to start looking at the luggage restrictions and current TSA information so I know what I’m dealing with.

I also took a little time to knit this morning which always helps. That’s part of what I know I need to reintroduce into my life is more time to engage in my creative outlets. I’m not sure how that will work once grad school starts, it’s been so long since I’ve done that, but I know it’s possible.

On a sort of related note – any knitters out there have a recommendation for an easy to deal with project to take on the plane, preferably that uses sock/fingering weight yarn?

random observations

I can’t explain the way my brain works because I don’t even understand it, but here goes…

I have therapy after work today. I always get there early and I always take a knitting project. It’s a way to start conversation with someone, if they’re so inclined. I’m friendly. It works. The project today will be the hat for Lancelot, heretofore known as The Hat That Will Not Die. Honest to fuck, there are only TWENTY decrease rounds, there is no logical reason that this is taking so long!!!

Another shitty selfie but I wanted to show off not only the shawl, which I of course can’t remember the name of the pattern (Seabird?) or the yarn (literally got nothing on that), but also the utterly beautiful handmade Celtic shield brooch that Lancelot got me on our trip.

Part of my random observations this morning were that in the span of the two months we’ve been together the only piece of jewelry he hasn’t given me is a bracelet. (no honey, I’m not complaining, this is beyond generous…)

I printed new pictures to bring to the office this morning. I now have a lovely print of Lancelot smiling at me like he often does. I also have a seriously silly picture of him from the night he let me braid his beard. That one is tacked to the cork board kind of nestled in with the panda enclave. It’s hilarious.

Everything is hilarious today. Ya know why? Because I got some sleep. SLEEP I SAY!

Oh, apparently I am an expert. This frightens me. No one asked me if I wanted to be.

brain barf

I’m not feeling like me again and this fucking sucks. It’s been one of those mornings that, for whatever reason, I’m questioning things. All the things.

  • what if every shitty thing a guy has ever said about me really is true?
  • what if I can’t keep my shit together while I’m in India?
  • what if I can’t hack grad school this time?
  • why the hell can’t I stop the hamster wheel and get the fuck off it?
  • why does my body hate me?
  • why do I hate my body?
  • am I actually supposed to be happy?

Ugh.

Needless to say my anxiety is getting the best of me and I’m sick of it. Literally. My digestive system has reached a point where it isn’t tolerating my coffee, nectar of the gods. This is BAD. And I feel like I’m putting too much stress on Lancelot. He’s an amazing guy and deserves someone less frazzled than me.

I need to remind myself of this. And breathe. Breathing is good.

I was able to be productive last night. I got my e-Visa for the trip submitted, I made a small creative thing that I can’t share because it’s a surprise, and I worked on Lancelot’s hat. I have 19 rounds left so it won’t take long.

an update – mostly in pictures

It’s Monday morning and I’m back at work. My laundry is caught up, the cleaning bits at the house got done, and some knitting was accomplished yesterday. And I slept. Sleep is good.

The vacation last week was also good. We had some rough patches, but I expected that. This was the longest stretch of time we’ve spent together. We were bound to realize that the other is not, in fact, perfect. No surprise there. All in all I would say we worked through it all fairly well. I think Lancelot would agree. I hope he would.

I realized this morning that I don’t really have a ton of pictures to share, mostly because I was too busy enjoying what we were doing to take time to get out my phone. I’m going to call that a serious win.

Not quite lost on a beautiful back road in Weston, MO
My handsome breakfast companion
All dressed up for a special dinner
These purple roses were right outside our room at the B&B. When I commented on them he told me that he requested them special, just for me. I almost cried.

I’m not going to lie and say that my anxiety isn’t still trying to get the best of me or that I always acted like an adult. I will say that I learned a lot about myself this last week, things I would imagine he doesn’t realize even, and that growth is always good.

I have yet to hear anything about my grad school application other than two of the three people I asked to write letters of recommendation have either done it or are in the process of doing it. That’s making me a bit nervous that I haven’t heard yet.

The knitting is coming along. I had thought I would have finished the hat by now but I was too busy having fun last week. I’m going to guess that he’ll forgive me.

One last picture…

It’s not often that I like the way I look or like pictures taken of myself. I take selfies regularly but usually hate them. But I love this shirt and I actually think my hair is behaving today. And this is probably the most true-to-life picture I’ve taken of myself in a long fucking time.

bundle of nerves

Lancelot and I are about to embark on a vacation together. Part of it will be spent in town just doing fun things and part of it will be spent taking a short road trip and staying in a bed and breakfast. I’m excited AF.

I’m also petrified. Utterly, terribly, 100%, petrified.

I have been bitten so many times, by other men, when it comes to plans that I am damn near immobilized by this. I know that he’s not like that. He’s never done anything like that to me. But still, petrified that I’ll do something or he’ll change his mind.

All because someone in my past who spoke false words of affection used to stand me up on a regular basis and make excuses as to why he couldn’t spend time with me.

I need to break myself out of this… How about a picture?

I finished the shawl and actually got the ends run in last night. The light in my office isn’t fabulous, but you get the idea. It looks pretty good with the all black outfit I’m wearing.

I am packed for our vacation. I’ve thrown in a sweater I knit myself, just because I like to show off a little. I’ll be taking the yarn and supplies to work on Lancelot’s hat. The yarn is a super soft, gorgeous tonal green sock yarn that I think is going to work up great.

I really probably should make a list, inventory maybe, of the various projects I have started that need to be finished. I can think of three shawls that are hanging out in various stages of “done” that probably could be finished pretty quickly.

What I should really do is go through the yarn stash and try to match yarn to potential patterns. And maybe think about making more than just shawls. Maybe.