straightening things out

I’m not really much of a “girlie” girl. I’m not into soft colors, lots of makeup, fussy hair, none of that.

I am much more like Hilda; free-spirited, comfortable in my own skin (most of the time), a little awkward, and a little on the chubby side.

Hilda is classic pin-up and, even though she’s a fictional character, she’s a hero in my world.

But I digress…

Lancelot and I got things worked out. Talking, communicating really, is the key to any relationship, be it romantic or professional. We both agreed that texting is often the problem with us. Work is being done, by both of us. I am quite optimistic.

The other bit of straightening out has to do solely with me.

I love this haircut and I love the contrast between the dark purple and the blonde bangs. The thing that was making me unhappy was I have yet to find a hair product that would spike up the back and straighten out the bangs, and actually last all day. I had to resort to drastic measures and purchase a flat iron. I adore it. I think the results are quite lovely.

I’m still working to finish the purple shawl. I hope to have that done yet this week so that next week I can work on Lancelot’s hat while we’re on vacation together. We do now have plans to take a trip and stay at what looks to be a very romantic little B&B. I can’t wait.

 

i’m not here right now, please leave a message at the tone…

I don’t know how else to describe it but I feel as though I have lost my muchness. This life does not feel like mine and I don’t care for it. Not to say there haven’t been a few bright spots recently.

We’re very cute together when we’re getting along. Friday night we were. Almost magical, really. Everything was delightful, we had great conversation, drank a toast to “us,” and I got a solid night of sleep. This morning there was fighting again because I expressed an expectation that was deemed as being needy. I admit being needy. I also admit to being high maintenance. I’m worth it. Regardless, the second time a fight happens I figure out how to change my behavior.

My nieces came for a slumber party last night and the kitties loved it, but required extra nap time. Oh to be a kitty.

While I no longer have long hair, or really much hair at all, I haven’t lost my touch for fixing hair. That’s the back of E’s head and I did a fine job if I do say so myself.

That is a shit picture of a hat I made for Mom. The yarn is black, dark blue, and purple and it is STILL FUCKING RAINING here so getting a reasonable picture is utterly out of the question. I was kind of pissed, I ran out of yarn before I officially finished the pattern even though I was using the exact right yarn and needles. Whatevs, she likes it and it looks great.

My next endeavor is to finish the purple shawl and then start working on some of the other projects I have started. And this week I’m trying to get back to good eating. I need to lose some weight and pronto. I’m feeling particularly unattractive right now.

the proof is in the purple

Or is that pudding? I never can remember…

That is the current knitting project. It’s called something like One Skein Wonder and the yarn is Knit Picks Stroll Tonal. It’s beyond pretty and stupid simple. I love, love, LOVE it.

Last night I decided to tackle a few of the little annoying projects around the house and was really pleased with myself that I managed to get shit done. YAY ME!!!

The weather here has been cooler so I’ve been opening the window for the boys. The firmly believe that they’re guarding the castle. Too cute.

Apparently this morning they talked my mom into giving them wet kitty food and Eric was afraid it was going to wander off. Silly boy.

This afternoon is therapy and I’m really quite excited. I love my therapist, our visits are a lot like girlfriends just shooting the shit with some nuggets of brilliant advice thrown in. I haven’t seen her since Lancelot and I started dating so I have all of that excitement to share with her.

Speaking of brilliant advice – start your day with Dropkick Murphys. Nothing like “Rose Tattoo” to get the day going.

goals? what goals?

I like to torture myself.

Now before you get all upset about that statement, let me explain. I decided this morning that I would check and see how I’m doing on the goals I set for myself this year. I thought I’d maybe be able to pat myself on the back a wee bit for a job well done.

Oh how incredibly fucking wrong I was.

But do you know what the great thing is about goals? You can keep working on them until you reach them. And if they’re too crazy hard, you can modify them. The best difference between a goal and a resolution, like a New Year’s resolution, is that a goal will never imply that there’s something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Goals imply that you’d like to make a change or an improvement and they encourage you to get there.

So I haven’t been making the kind of progress I had hoped with the goals I set for this year, but my world hasn’t ended and I certainly don’t feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Actually, not doing so well with a few of my goals is helping me to see areas that really do need improvement.

No experience is truly a failure if you learn something from it.

This weekend is going to be chock full of fucks for magical shit. I’m going to hang out with Lancelot, I’m going to work on my grad school application, I have a gorgeous (and amazingly easy) purple shawl with me to work on, I’m going to cook, and I suspect there will be snuggles aplenty.

 

when moments last too long

I need a damn vacation in the worst way. Thank dog I only have a few hours left of today and then tomorrow before I hit the open road with Mom. My anxiety has been so crazy bad lately that I swear I can feel my hair growing.

Work has been stressful, totally. August is always hectic and it’s bleeding into September a bit. And while I’m enjoying the new office it is a bit isolated. It is finally all the way setup now, and that’s good.

It’s comfortable and very much me.

Part of my trouble is still physical pain. My shoulder is bothering me and now my hands are giving me problems. I’m fairly sure that the increased knitting isn’t helping those, but it is helping my anxiety so it’s worth it.

I’m still feeling way needier than I know I should. Because of my spectacularly shitty history with the male gender of the human species I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I expect him to just spontaneously decide to leave me.

He’s not going anywhere. Breathe. It’s going to be alright. He loves me.

He told me to repeat that to myself when I start to get worked up. That was quite possibly the most helpful thing anyone has said all day.

Tomorrow night he’s coming to have dinner at the house. I’m going to cook for us and he’ll get to meet Mom and the boys. I’m ridiculously excited about this.

To help with the excitement I’m eating cookies. If you’ll excuse me I need to go finish the package.

when the mentals strike

I like to think that I’m in a reasonably good place with my mental health recovery process. I’m still working at the same place I have been since the start of this, I get up and go to work every day, I pay my bills, I maintain relationships with my family and friends, and I do a reasonable job of taking care of myself. But some days, some days it really just doesn’t pay to chew through the fucking leather restraints.

Let me set the scene…

Monday is Humira injection day. It’s certainly not a terrible thing but I always have a small reaction at the injection site. It itches like holy hell for a little while and then the area stays kind of hard for another day. Not unbearable but not exciting either. Add to that a delightfully large and unpleasant cyst in a particularly unpleasant place. And rain. We’re getting enough rain right now that I’m honestly considering building an Ark.

Yesterday morning I started getting texts from my “friend” on campus at 6:30am saying he needed help with something. I put him off but FFS, I do not like starting my day by being harassed like that. Besides, I had a rotten data collection project to get done for my boss.

Then the emails from the particularly needy faculty member started flooding in and I just wanted to jump through the computer and give her a high five. In the forehead. With a metal folding chair.

So by the time I got to talk to Lancelot at lunch my anxiety was already through the motherfucking roof. I was hyper aware of every word, every nuance of tone of voice, all of the reactions to what I said. I hate being like that. HATE IT. Which of course meant that I “read” something that wasn’t there. And then he fell asleep because it was, after all, time for him to do so.

But I didn’t know that. And so I proceeded to commence with a spectacular freak out. Oh it was so ugly and embarrassing…

I was able to talk to him for a few minutes last night before he left for work and, as any sane and rational human being would have pointed out to my mental ass, he was confused as hell but not upset with me.

I absolutely hate being this way.

In other news…

The hat for Mom is coming along nicely. I have the ribbing and the garter section done, should start the pattern rows tonight. The problem is that the yarn she picked is dark blue and purple with black. It is definitely not something I can work on when the light is poor. I am hoping it will be done by the time we leave for vacation on Saturday. Not that I think she needs a wool hat just yet, more just that I’d like to finish it.

weekend update with your host, the random one…

It really has been quite the weekend. Good time with my man, got to watch the kidlets compete, some shopping with Mom, and then this morning there was bonus boy time. It was quite delightful if not entirely exhausting.

I also got knitting done. Who knew, right? My younger niece had gotten me a gorgeous skein of yarn for my birthday. It’s a Donegal yarn that she brought back from their Ireland trip. I have one skein so I wanted to do something special with it.

It’s almost finished now, just needs a small seam done and a button. It’s a braided cable headband for winter. It was a super easy knit and it’s absolutely stunning.

My next project is the Alpine Meadow hat for my mom, followed by a basic beanie for Lancelot. I have the yarn for her hat, need to order some for him.

knit me some mousies, i’m sad

The kittens have been extra lovey lately, but then the weather here has been extra turbulent.

Time to go prep for the coming week. And wind yarn. I did want to real quick share that I finally found a use for those exes…

who’s life am i living?

Some stuff has happened since last I decided to write. First, I have fo sho decided to go back to grad school again. Because really, who doesn’t need multiple Master’s degrees? Second, my desk came and my office looks amazing. No pictures yet but you’ll get them. And third, I spent a solid 24 hours with Lancelot and it was AMAZING.

Oh, but who is this fine fella?

That is my handsome man. He is tall, has the most stunning blue eyes, a smile that lights up the room, gives the best hugs ever, is super funny, very sweet, off the charts smart, and for some strange reason thinks I’m beautiful. And yes, I grin like an idiot damn near the whole time I’m with him. For a jaded old bitch who thought she’d never find a man worth the time of day… Well, let’s just say that I have never in my life been more delighted to be 100% WRONG.

Another thing that’s happened…

I have returned to my preferred plumage. Purple and blonde really does suit me. You can’t really tell in this pic but I was sporting a very lovely pair of original earrings that Lancelot got for me yesterday while we were roaming around downtown.

And, this is happening right now…

That is a lovely new little air plant that I’ve fashioned a hanging apparatus for. The boys think plants are salad and I disagree. I also picked up an aloe vera plant today and something with really cool purple leaves to plant in the skull.

Have I mentioned that I am ridiculously happy these days?

living my life and loving 99.925% of it

I kind of neglect this blog, eh?

sugar skull ornament I painted in Keystone
panda on the prowl
Heihei!
watercolor fused glass bowl
Eric is way too cool
Garth would like to be outside
presenting to a packed room
washcloth knitting at a baton competition
carrot walrus teeth are the best
extreme closeup kitty nose
the blue batik skirt being worn
orange lilies on campus
pandas in Keystone
he’s behind me again, isn’t he?
all the panda gear
me as a lion tamer
pretty painted glass

It’s been a busy summer. We had a great time at the conference. There was a lot to learn and a lot of fun to be had. We aren’t going to talk about the massive quantities of vodka at the carnival or the kiss from the cute Southern fella.

But speaking of men, I’m giving up again for awhile. I tried talking to someone new and it was just really awful. What’s so hard to understand about women being more than sex objects? FFS. All I’m out is some time but still.

proof that I knit and that my body still hates me

This is the vest I’ve been working on. We dog sat again this weekend and let tell you, repetitive garter stitch is perfect for watching movies. I used Rebecca Hope Obsorn’s Nebula Medallion Vest pattern and, as usual for me, did it my own damn way, mostly because I used only a little handspun yarn but not bulky and then three other commercial worsted weight yarns. The two solid purples are (I think) Cascade 220 that’s been in my stash for years. The aqua collar is a new acquisition but of course I can’t remember what it’s called. That gorgeous stuff in the middle is the handspun. One of my good friends who happens to be a librarian here made it for me before I had the cyst removed in December. Look her up on Instagram, she goes by @teaspinning. I plan on wearing this tomorrow. YAY!!!

I have gotten back to work on the triangles shawl/scarf thing. I’m going to try to get it done before the weekend because this Saturday my nieces have a big ass competition and it’s close enough that Mom and I will go to it. We’ve been to enough of these that we have it down to an art.

We’ll be taking:

  • bleacher chairs
  • a knitting project for me
  • all 3 of Mom’s tablets
  • large insulated drink cups
  • those little sticks of drink mix
  • snacks that don’t make messes or get fingers dirty (for the girls)

Most of that goes in my backpack. I don’t mind going usually. Inevitably someone will strike up a conversation about whatever project I’m working on. And my nieces are amazingly talented so it’s fun to get to see them in action.

Okay, time for the “body hates me” news…

Last Thursday night I taught a class. While I was up front talking I noticed that the middle finger on the right hand hurt and was swelling. That’s the finger I wear rings on so I got those off and kept going. I had apparently blown a blood vessel. The finger hurt like hell until Saturday morning.

Sunday afternoon Mom and I were doing stuff in the yard, nothing major. I stopped to get a drink and the index finger on the left hand popped, like I felt something pop, and it started turning black and blue and got hard. It’s starting to feel better now but I gotta tell ya, this is just weird.

In the “my body hates salad” news… I lost FOUR POUNDS last week. I am pleased.