there’s never enough time

The weekend wasn’t really what I wanted, or needed. I don’t have any interest in going into it, not much anyway. The new pasta recipe was delicious, the trip to the artist co-op yielded some amazing jewelry, and Avengers Endgame is phenomenal. Other bits of the weekend were absolute shit. Done and over.

The Dublin Shawl is done. That’s not the name of a pattern, it’s my name for it since the yarn reminds me of Ireland and I started it on that trip. It’s lovely. And now it’s about to be too warm to wear shawls like this. Naturally.

I went on a very quick rampage in the kitchen when I got home from Camelot yesterday. That is a work week of pasta salad, fruit bits, jello with raspberries, and hard boiled eggs. I also did my big batch of cold coffee. I feel fairly well prepared, just no breakfasts.

I also got my room all picked back up, two loads of laundry done and put away, outfits and jewelry are laid out for the week. I need to get back to kicking ass and taking names.

I have two days now to finish my homework for the semester. That’s 30 pages in the manuscript and a 6 page essay. Wish me luck.

Advertisements

looking forward to my past

It’s a well known fact that I overthink. I will overthink damn near everything, from the teeny tiny to the monumental. This is part of why I get my work clothes out for an entire week at once; I make all of my over-thought decisions at once and then I’m done with it.

I’ve thought about forming a support group for over-thinkers but I can’t quite work out all of the details.

Ba-dum ching!

Anyway, I know this drives people crazy so I’ve been trying to at least not vocalize it, or all of it. But evidently that results in a massive case of Resting Bitch Face which is no bueno either.

According to my mom there was a time in my past when my default facial expression was a smile, the easily worn outward expression of happiness. I don’t know precisely when that changed other than sometime around when I started meds. But I need the meds. It’s a conundrum.

The hat, by the way, didn’t quite get finished but is only lacking the last four rounds. I estimate another 20 minutes or so. If I had gotten up a bit earlier this morning it would be done by now.

In other good news, simple med change on Friday. I’m dropping one of the new pills she gave me to help with sleep except for if I can’t sleep on the plane I’m supposed to take one. I slept mostly amazing this weekend and today I actually feel like I have some energy. Which is good. I need it.

The mania has faded, rather like a bad dream. My thoughts have slowed significantly and I’m much better able to articulate what I’m feeling and what I need. That’s not to say I’m not still irritable some of the time but I am finding it easier to think before I speak these days. I count this as progress.

Yesterday I got the laundry started, the suitcase out, and the packing is underway. I made the very timely realization that I had either enough underwear to pack OR I had enough to get through until I leave, but not both. Fortunately I made this discovery before we left to run errands yesterday.

And I cannot say enough good things about packing cubes. I got this set from Amazon and I am loving how much easier it is to pack and rearrange things. I’m not taking a very large suitcase, mainly because I have a mid-size one with great wheels that also happens to be purple, so having it well organized is going to be crucial to getting everything in and not arrive looking like I slept in all of it.

Most of the clothes are packed now, I really just need to figure out the backpack situation, which was not possible yesterday given that the pack lives at work. I can’t bring my laptop home to pack until Thursday because it’s my only computer at work, but I can get around that I think. I just need to make sure that everything else fits. I would say tonight by the time I crash I should have 95% of it all done.

The only detail I don’t really have ironed out yet is communication while I’m gone. I added international access to my cell plan so I’m covered with that but there’s still the whole 11.5 hour difference in time zones to contend with. It’s possible that this will make communication with Lancelot easier, but far trickier with my mom. Regardless of the solution, there will be a solution.

I’m excited, I just wish we were already at the “Erin has returned home safely with some lovely little gifts and many fine stories to share” part of the adventure.

hard times at Panda High

I am a serious creature of habit. I pretty much always do the same things in the same way at the same time. Deviation from a routine has the capacity to send me off the edge of a very tall cliff. And for whatever reason, my busted little brain expects everyone else to be just the same.

Amazingly enough, life does not work that way. Also amazingly enough, I (think) I managed to keep my shit together this time. Maybe? Maybe. Poor damn squishy panda…

The hat that refuses to die is almost ready for the decrease rounds. YAY!!! I’m taking it with to Lancelot’s this weekend so that hopefully I can finish it. The weather here is much more “winter” than “autumn” right now so I definitely want to make sure he has both hats before I leave. That bastard weatherman is actually talking about snow for today. Good thing I’m wearing boots.

I didn’t manage to get any packing done last night but I did identify the dresses I’m taking with. I’ve decided that dresses make the most sense for the days I teach since they’re comfortable and take up less space than multiple pieces. I’m also taking one extra dress, a black one that I’ll wear with a light cardigan, in case I need something for a dinner.

Still trying to figure out what, if any, of my shawls or other knitted bits to bring. And jewelry, that’s going to be a decision.

I’m also taking two pair of black flats which will go with everything, take minimal space, and allow my feet a bit of variety. I plan to travel in my tennis shoes which are quite bulky, but totally comfy, and they slip on which makes them ideal for airport security.

Let’s be honest, there are just too damn many decisions to make. This morning my friend N asked me if I’m taking my good camera with me. Hmm, good question.

In other news, I’m still waiting for one more letter of recommendation before my grad school application can officially be processed. I don’t doubt that I’ll get in but this is taking FOREVER. I am much frustrated. Enrollment starts on November 12th. GRRRR.

In other, other, news, I am wearing a shawl I knit a thousand years ago and some of the beautiful jewelry Lancelot got me. And knee-high peacock socks under my boots. I am stunning.

I’d love to tell you about the shawl but all I can remember is that the pattern was called Bloom but I don’t remember a damn thing about the yarn. It’s smooth in spots and then fuzzy in others, the colors are kind of muted, and I put a really funky beaded border on the shawl that I don’t recall being part of the original pattern. It’s quite like wearing a hug. And it looks great with the jewelry.

blue river

It’s weird how our tastes in things change over time, and sometimes out of spite. Or is that just me? For example, my very first tattoo was done because my first husband said that no wife of his was going to have tattoos. So the day we signed our divorce papers I went out and got one.

Right now I’m realizing how often I wear blue. I still wear a lot of purple, it is my “signature color” as my fashionista niece would say, but now that my ex-husband is gone I wear a ton of blue. He hated blue. I tried buying blue bedding once, not girlie pale blue, just good ol’ solid blue, and he completely flipped shit at me.

Basically these days I just do whatever the hell I want. And that’s the way – uh huh, uh huh – I like it, I like it!

I also like fluffy little kitties.

That is my beautiful little Garth baby. He was being super cutie-patootie last night. Eric was busy helping me with the yarn prep.

There is just nothing as exciting as “helping” mama wind her yarn. Seriously. I usually have Mom run interference while I’m working the swift and ball winder. It’s a process.

Project #1 – One Woman Rave that I’ll use Mad Tosh in Nautical Blue for. The color is a great tonal aqua/teal. Lovely. I think the pattern kind of looks like waves to it just made sense to me.

Project #2 – Sweet Louise that I’ll use a local yarn for. I can’t read the label either (I suck at pics sometimes) but I know the color is called Peacock and it’s drop dead beautiful. Lots of dark purple, blue, forest green, and gold with just a hint of glimmer.

And lest you think the hat isn’t getting any love…

I swear to god this is in the black hole stage. I’ve been trying to make 1″ worth of progress for a week. Judging by how much yarn is left I’ll be using up damn near every inch of available yarn. I count that a victory.

the countdown is on

Eleven days from now, almost precisely, I’ll be on a plane bound for Newark, NJ and then on to India. I’m at that strange place between petrified and exhilarated. Tonight I’m going to get out the suitcase and start “practice packing” as my one friend at work suggested. I probably need to do laundry before I can really do that given that I was at Lancelot’s all weekend (again) and haven’t caught up on my laundry.

I think dresses will be good for the working days of this trip. Single pieces, I should be able to get ones that will all work fine with black flats, and they’ll travel well. The other few days are what I’m not 100% sure about, mostly because I’ll spend part of that time sleeping in said clothes. Good times.

At any rates, things are coming together. My hair has been cut, nails will get done this weekend, supplies for the trip are being acquired. My last shot until I get back will be tonight when I get home.

Lancelot surprised me in the most delightful way this weekend. He’s taking a day off this week so we can have a long weekend together. I knew about that. What I didn’t know was that he also took the night before I leave off so that we can have some to spend together then. Utterly sweet.

The mental health stuff is coming along. There are still ups and downs, and patches of downright bitchy, but with lots of love and support I’ve been getting through it. The sleeping issues are almost entirely under control again. Last night was rough but my back was sore and that never helps.

Oddly enough I’m almost more worried about which knitting projects to take with me than anything else.

the update that isn’t an update

I had this amazing therapist that I used to refer to as T-Bone. I saw him for quite a few years. He was a psychologist, so a PhD, but he dropped near as many f-bombs as me during a session. He was this mountain of a man, tall with a big white beard, long ponytail, and typically wore hiking boots and flannel shirts. He also played fierce guitar.

He left the practice to take a different job in another state and the day he left it took everything I had to keep my shit together. I knit him a hat as a going away present. He was well and truly a surrogate father for me when my dad died in 2012.

I transitioned to seeing a female therapist in the same practice, someone I had worked with during DBT. We have an amazing relationship now that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Literally, anything.

She told me a month or so ago that T-Bone was coming back. I don’t know the circumstances of his return, just that he was not only returning to the area but specifically to the practice. The first thing I said to her was that I’d like to see him, to say hello, but I’m not leaving her care. And I meant that.

Fast forward to yesterday… I’m sitting in the waiting room to see my doc (also in the same practice) and this young man comes in and says he’s got an appointment with T-Bone. I almost cried. And then T-Bone walked past the reception window, looked right at me, smiled and waved. And I almost cried again.

The visit with the doc was good. She agreed that I look and sound better. No changes for a week, we’ll re-evaluate next Friday.

I also asked her to do me a favor and tell T-Bone that I’m still fighting the good fight. She said that since I had given permission she’d be happy to do that.

one of my good friends posted this on Facebook this morning and it spoke to me

the best intentions of the painted lady

I had planned to take pictures of both the hat and the shawl last night, but I forgot.

I had planned to get out the suitcase so I could start getting some stuff figured out, but I was too tired.

I had planned to start putting together some outfits for the trip, but I wasn’t in the mood.

I had great ideas and didn’t follow through with a damn thing. Welcome to the world of Slowing the Fuck DOWN.

In good news, I was in bed by 8 last night and felt like it was a pretty decent night in terms of that. I did wake up a few times, but nothing serious. I go see shrinky-poo today so we’ll see what else she wants to do for meds.

I took this pic for Lancelot this morning. He’s been having a rough time at work lately and I wanted to cheer him up a bit. It also shows a bit of the ink on my back. I’ve decided lately that I adore blouses that show off my back, especially the sugar skull. Just under her is a swag of light pink roses. One shoulder has a bumble bee and two daisies and the other has a dragonfly.

Anyway, it’s feeling like it’s going to be one of those days. Nothing like the phone starting to ring off the hook right at 8am.