a world full of hate

I nearly can’t stand to watch the news or get on social media anymore. There’s so much hate and violence everywhere you turn. It’s awful. Trump keeps throwing his disgusting weight around like he’s got a right to do these horrible things he keeps threatening to do and much of the masses believe him.

Folks, the movie “Idiocracy” was NEVER intended to be a documentary.

There are still good, rational, reasonable people out there. I know there are. I just hope they all get out and vote. I voted early by mail. I’m lazy and it’s easier for me, but I did it. Those of you here in the US, or really anywhere, I can’t encourage you enough to exercise your right to have your voice heard.

I saw this on Facebook and didn’t remember to get the artist info, but it’s not my work. Super stunning though.

I’ve reached a point where I feel like a return to life as it should be is well within my grasp. My sleep is still not where I want it to be but I’ll see the doc tomorrow and I plan to talk to her about it. Progress is still being made with controlling the mania so I feel good about that.

The stress levels in general are coming down which is absolutely heavenly. I’m actually (finally) getting excited about the trip to India. I made a few purchases this morning that were recommended by friends and I’m getting ready to line up a few more.

As a total side note, what the hell did we do before internet shopping? Seriously.

Also saw this on Facebook this morning and it was like someone smacked me in the face with a phone book. I plan to make the rest of this year a very educational experience and then next year, look out.

*assuming of course I can stop locking my fucking keys in my office

working my recovery

You’d think with as long as I’ve been at this that it might be a bit easier, but it never really is. There’s always the struggle to mend things I’ve broken while manic; the relationships mostly. And there’s the never ending desire for sleep.

I am proud to say that yesterday I was a bit productive AND that I only had to use my squishy panda once. That sounds so silly but it’s huge for me. It’s a good coping skill, don’t get me wrong, but the fact that I only really needed it once is what’s huge.

This morning I’ve been printing and collecting all of the documents I’ll need to have with me when I travel. I asked for advice from friends on Facebook regarding their favorite travel tips and hacks. Y’all are definitely welcome to share, too.

In all I would say that positive progress is being made on damn near all fronts. I’ll take it.

the crazy runs deep

It shouldn’t surprise me, this creeping madness, but it always does. It’s not as though it was overnight process to get there, it certainly isn’t to get out of it. But I have very little patience even at the best of times, which this is not.

Updates, as such…

I am sleeping, fairly regularly. I didn’t sleep well over the weekend because my skin stuff acted up something FIERCE. It’s finally subsiding. But I was in bed by 7pm last night.

My nieces did well at their competition. Unfortunately that much time in a bleacher chair didn’t help my skin.

The time I spent with Lancelot was mostly good. I’ll take it. I’m working hard to keep things with him good and keep moving forward with appropriate communication. I have a ways to go. But he’s still the one I want.

I got quite a bit of progress made with the second hat on Saturday. I haven’t measured but I would say I got about 4″ of the body knit. I put it down last night in favor of something new because the tiny needles were cramping my hands. I had purchased 4 balls of a KnitPicks yarn that’s similar to Noro Silk Garden and started a fairly simple garter stitch shawl with it. I think it’s going to be gorgeous.

I’m hoping this is a quiet week. I have roughly 3 weeks worth of dress clothes to wash and a new wireless network to setup at home. Fun times.

it’s a process, you know this…

It’s been awhile since I’ve dealt with the mania thing. I can’t remember how long because, let’s face it, I couldn’t reliably tell you what I ate for dinner last night. The last suicide attempt turned portions of my brains into scrambled eggs. But I digress.

I remember enough to know what I’m up against. This is a slippery slope I’m on right now. If I come down too fast I’ll go down too far and that, in and of itself, is just as dangerous.

Control and balance are the names of this game. Slow and steady will win the race and save my life. But holy fuckballs do I hate to slow down.

I’m trying to focus what little brain power I have right now on taking care of myself. I’m eating, listening to music, trying to knit, and giving myself permission to have down-time. In that vein I will not be posting again until Monday. Tomorrow will be spent taking a Mental Health Holiday. I plan to come back with pictures.

i wanna be sedated

If you’re familiar with The Ramones, well, there ya go.

Life is, very slowly, getting back to “normal.” I’m still irritable as all fuck but I’m trying. I have started eating again and I’m doing the things I know will help. But here’s the problem…

Slowing down to get out of the manic phase means slowing down. I don’t like slowing down.

I did realize the other day, earlier today, who knows… Anyway, I realized that Lancelot hasn’t known me when I wasn’t at least a bit manic. And that scares me. What if he doesn’t like the more mellow me? What if my slowness is boring?

He reassures me that this won’t happen and I’m trying not to let it trip me up. But I’m concerned.

I’m also concerned that my body appears to hate me more than usual right now. My skin stuff is acting up Big Time.

I did sleep last night. As long as I continue to sleep things will improve. I was also able to start the second hat last night which was nothing short of a miracle. I’m very thankful for it because the girls have a baton competition on Saturday and then there’s a fight on that night that Lancelot has already said he wants to watch so I’ll have ample opportunity to knit this weekend.

I’m thinking for the trip I’ll take supplies for two different shawls. They don’t tend to take up much room or need much other than the yarn and needles. I doubt I’ll be able to finish two, especially since the doc says she’s going to make sure I sleep on the flights, but still.

mania sucks

I kind of alluded to it yesterday but the brutal honesty is that the anxiety I’ve been dealing with for the last, six?, months has prevented me from sleeping right and that’s brought on a manic episode.

Mania is The Suck.

I’m working with a massive fucking sleep deficit which means I need to try to get as much as I can, at night, until I’m back to firing on all 8 cylinders. It’s going to take awhile. Fortunately the med the psych doc gave me yesterday worked quite well last night. I got roughly 8 hours of sleep that was pretty decent quality.

YAY!!!

As things start to return to normal with the sleep the rest of the world will go back to where it should be. It all just takes time.

Fortunately, in spite of my massive irritability, no permanent damage was done. I managed to keep just enough of my shit together just long enough and that was the key.

to sleep

One of the biggest battles I face with Bipolar is sleep. My brain refuses to shut itself off at night. I take meds, lots of meds, to try to force myself into a minor coma every night. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. And if it doesn’t work for too long then we have problems.

PROBLEMS.

Anxiety, like what I’ve been fighting against lately, will fuck with sleep. It will actually fuck with sleep almost faster than anything else in my world. I know this. I should have recognized the signs sooner. Hindsight.

I KNOW THIS.

Right now my brain feels like a hamster running on a wheel that’s being controlled by an electric drill. This is Not Good. My doc took one look at me and started sifting through my chart to see where and what we could tweak. We’re adding an additional pill that I already take and another pill that’s new for me.

I’m cautiously optimistic. Cautiously.

What I’m really hoping is that the sleep takes care of the irritability (it should) and that it helps me get back to the things I really enjoy (it should) and that it helps me reconnect with my priorities (so help me god it will).

staring down the barrel of a week off work

You can ask anyone who knows me that I don’t often take time off work. It’s not that my work means that much to me, more that I know I do better with the structure that going to work for 9 hours every day brings. And I do actually love what I do, so that helps. But anyway, more often than not the little HR system sends me a nastygram every few months telling me I’ve got so much vacation time waiting to use that I’m going to stop earning any more.

Well hell.

Part of my dilemma is that I mostly hate to travel. Flying is The Suck and driving Takes Forever. I will say that I prefer to drive because then I’m on my own schedule and I can take as much of my stuff with as I want and I can use a real restroom. I am 41 years old and have yet to use the loo in an airplane. Rather proud of that, actually.

Anyway, traveling with people is much more interesting but it still involves packing and the actual travel and then sleeping in a strange bed and the whole Being Away From Home nonsense.

It’s just not often my thing, ya dig?

So I’ve taken the entirety of next week off work but I don’t really plan to go anywhere. I much prefer to Staycation. I fully intend to be lazy, do some things around the house, maybe do a little shopping, and mostly just breathe. Oh, and knit.

I do think it’s super important to take time away from the daily grind and to recharge the ol’ batteries. If we don’t do that, and put ourselves first now and then, we end up with nothing left to give anyone else.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that even though my brain is fully capable to running for days on end with next to no food or sleep when I’m not taking my meds and that kind of feels like flying and being on top of the world, it’s really the worst thing ever.

Anyone who tells you that they miss being manic is delusional. Mania is a liar, worse than any cheating lover. For as high as you go you come crashing, hurtling, down twice as fast and far. The end is awful. And it’s not worth a single minute of it.

That’s why next week I will be going to bed at normal hours, eating healthy and wholesome food, and taking care of myself. I need to punch my own damn reset button every now and again.