looking forward to my past

It’s a well known fact that I overthink. I will overthink damn near everything, from the teeny tiny to the monumental. This is part of why I get my work clothes out for an entire week at once; I make all of my over-thought decisions at once and then I’m done with it.

I’ve thought about forming a support group for over-thinkers but I can’t quite work out all of the details.

Ba-dum ching!

Anyway, I know this drives people crazy so I’ve been trying to at least not vocalize it, or all of it. But evidently that results in a massive case of Resting Bitch Face which is no bueno either.

According to my mom there was a time in my past when my default facial expression was a smile, the easily worn outward expression of happiness. I don’t know precisely when that changed other than sometime around when I started meds. But I need the meds. It’s a conundrum.

The hat, by the way, didn’t quite get finished but is only lacking the last four rounds. I estimate another 20 minutes or so. If I had gotten up a bit earlier this morning it would be done by now.

In other good news, simple med change on Friday. I’m dropping one of the new pills she gave me to help with sleep except for if I can’t sleep on the plane I’m supposed to take one. I slept mostly amazing this weekend and today I actually feel like I have some energy. Which is good. I need it.

The mania has faded, rather like a bad dream. My thoughts have slowed significantly and I’m much better able to articulate what I’m feeling and what I need. That’s not to say I’m not still irritable some of the time but I am finding it easier to think before I speak these days. I count this as progress.

Yesterday I got the laundry started, the suitcase out, and the packing is underway. I made the very timely realization that I had either enough underwear to pack OR I had enough to get through until I leave, but not both. Fortunately I made this discovery before we left to run errands yesterday.

And I cannot say enough good things about packing cubes. I got this set from Amazon and I am loving how much easier it is to pack and rearrange things. I’m not taking a very large suitcase, mainly because I have a mid-size one with great wheels that also happens to be purple, so having it well organized is going to be crucial to getting everything in and not arrive looking like I slept in all of it.

Most of the clothes are packed now, I really just need to figure out the backpack situation, which was not possible yesterday given that the pack lives at work. I can’t bring my laptop home to pack until Thursday because it’s my only computer at work, but I can get around that I think. I just need to make sure that everything else fits. I would say tonight by the time I crash I should have 95% of it all done.

The only detail I don’t really have ironed out yet is communication while I’m gone. I added international access to my cell plan so I’m covered with that but there’s still the whole 11.5 hour difference in time zones to contend with. It’s possible that this will make communication with Lancelot easier, but far trickier with my mom. Regardless of the solution, there will be a solution.

I’m excited, I just wish we were already at the “Erin has returned home safely with some lovely little gifts and many fine stories to share” part of the adventure.

hard times at Panda High

I am a serious creature of habit. I pretty much always do the same things in the same way at the same time. Deviation from a routine has the capacity to send me off the edge of a very tall cliff. And for whatever reason, my busted little brain expects everyone else to be just the same.

Amazingly enough, life does not work that way. Also amazingly enough, I (think) I managed to keep my shit together this time. Maybe? Maybe. Poor damn squishy panda…

The hat that refuses to die is almost ready for the decrease rounds. YAY!!! I’m taking it with to Lancelot’s this weekend so that hopefully I can finish it. The weather here is much more “winter” than “autumn” right now so I definitely want to make sure he has both hats before I leave. That bastard weatherman is actually talking about snow for today. Good thing I’m wearing boots.

I didn’t manage to get any packing done last night but I did identify the dresses I’m taking with. I’ve decided that dresses make the most sense for the days I teach since they’re comfortable and take up less space than multiple pieces. I’m also taking one extra dress, a black one that I’ll wear with a light cardigan, in case I need something for a dinner.

Still trying to figure out what, if any, of my shawls or other knitted bits to bring. And jewelry, that’s going to be a decision.

I’m also taking two pair of black flats which will go with everything, take minimal space, and allow my feet a bit of variety. I plan to travel in my tennis shoes which are quite bulky, but totally comfy, and they slip on which makes them ideal for airport security.

Let’s be honest, there are just too damn many decisions to make. This morning my friend N asked me if I’m taking my good camera with me. Hmm, good question.

In other news, I’m still waiting for one more letter of recommendation before my grad school application can officially be processed. I don’t doubt that I’ll get in but this is taking FOREVER. I am much frustrated. Enrollment starts on November 12th. GRRRR.

In other, other, news, I am wearing a shawl I knit a thousand years ago and some of the beautiful jewelry Lancelot got me. And knee-high peacock socks under my boots. I am stunning.

I’d love to tell you about the shawl but all I can remember is that the pattern was called Bloom but I don’t remember a damn thing about the yarn. It’s smooth in spots and then fuzzy in others, the colors are kind of muted, and I put a really funky beaded border on the shawl that I don’t recall being part of the original pattern. It’s quite like wearing a hug. And it looks great with the jewelry.

so there I was, hip deep in spent bubble gum wrappers and down to my last Snickers bar when suddenly…

I ain’t gonna lie, I hurt right now. Our weather has turned cold and damp and the arthritic bits in my back do NOT like it one bit. And for some reason today I am shaking like I’m coming off a week long cheap whiskey and cigar fueled bender.

Which I am not. But that doesn’t sound half bad right now. Just sayin.

I’m making good progress with the trip preparations. I think I might have finally decided on the knitting projects to take with which is apparently proving a more difficult task than deciding which clothes to take. Who knew. But I’ve found two rather different wrap-style patterns that should provide some interest while not require too much skull sweat. Now to decide on the yarn. Oy.

Lancelot’s hat got some love last night. I’m hoping to that done yet this week. I’m guessing it might get cold enough for him to want both hats while I’m gone. Besides, I’d like to have it done just for the sake of having it done.

Today I’m going to see the eye specialist. I have glaucoma that they’re treating with drops right now so I go in every six months to make sure that I’m still making the kind of progress they want. It’s been good so far. Just kind of wondering if they’ll have the young smart ass guy taking care of me. He’s fun to torment.

Not much else exciting going on other than in an attempt to unfuck my Google calendar I managed to make it almost worse. I had double added everything from my Outlook calendar so I tried to export my personal entries, delete everything, and then import the personal stuff back. Except I evidently didn’t export right. Doh. Only me.

the countdown is on

Eleven days from now, almost precisely, I’ll be on a plane bound for Newark, NJ and then on to India. I’m at that strange place between petrified and exhilarated. Tonight I’m going to get out the suitcase and start “practice packing” as my one friend at work suggested. I probably need to do laundry before I can really do that given that I was at Lancelot’s all weekend (again) and haven’t caught up on my laundry.

I think dresses will be good for the working days of this trip. Single pieces, I should be able to get ones that will all work fine with black flats, and they’ll travel well. The other few days are what I’m not 100% sure about, mostly because I’ll spend part of that time sleeping in said clothes. Good times.

At any rates, things are coming together. My hair has been cut, nails will get done this weekend, supplies for the trip are being acquired. My last shot until I get back will be tonight when I get home.

Lancelot surprised me in the most delightful way this weekend. He’s taking a day off this week so we can have a long weekend together. I knew about that. What I didn’t know was that he also took the night before I leave off so that we can have some to spend together then. Utterly sweet.

The mental health stuff is coming along. There are still ups and downs, and patches of downright bitchy, but with lots of love and support I’ve been getting through it. The sleeping issues are almost entirely under control again. Last night was rough but my back was sore and that never helps.

Oddly enough I’m almost more worried about which knitting projects to take with me than anything else.

the best intentions of the painted lady

I had planned to take pictures of both the hat and the shawl last night, but I forgot.

I had planned to get out the suitcase so I could start getting some stuff figured out, but I was too tired.

I had planned to start putting together some outfits for the trip, but I wasn’t in the mood.

I had great ideas and didn’t follow through with a damn thing. Welcome to the world of Slowing the Fuck DOWN.

In good news, I was in bed by 8 last night and felt like it was a pretty decent night in terms of that. I did wake up a few times, but nothing serious. I go see shrinky-poo today so we’ll see what else she wants to do for meds.

I took this pic for Lancelot this morning. He’s been having a rough time at work lately and I wanted to cheer him up a bit. It also shows a bit of the ink on my back. I’ve decided lately that I adore blouses that show off my back, especially the sugar skull. Just under her is a swag of light pink roses. One shoulder has a bumble bee and two daisies and the other has a dragonfly.

Anyway, it’s feeling like it’s going to be one of those days. Nothing like the phone starting to ring off the hook right at 8am.

a world full of hate

I nearly can’t stand to watch the news or get on social media anymore. There’s so much hate and violence everywhere you turn. It’s awful. Trump keeps throwing his disgusting weight around like he’s got a right to do these horrible things he keeps threatening to do and much of the masses believe him.

Folks, the movie “Idiocracy” was NEVER intended to be a documentary.

There are still good, rational, reasonable people out there. I know there are. I just hope they all get out and vote. I voted early by mail. I’m lazy and it’s easier for me, but I did it. Those of you here in the US, or really anywhere, I can’t encourage you enough to exercise your right to have your voice heard.

I saw this on Facebook and didn’t remember to get the artist info, but it’s not my work. Super stunning though.

I’ve reached a point where I feel like a return to life as it should be is well within my grasp. My sleep is still not where I want it to be but I’ll see the doc tomorrow and I plan to talk to her about it. Progress is still being made with controlling the mania so I feel good about that.

The stress levels in general are coming down which is absolutely heavenly. I’m actually (finally) getting excited about the trip to India. I made a few purchases this morning that were recommended by friends and I’m getting ready to line up a few more.

As a total side note, what the hell did we do before internet shopping? Seriously.

Also saw this on Facebook this morning and it was like someone smacked me in the face with a phone book. I plan to make the rest of this year a very educational experience and then next year, look out.

*assuming of course I can stop locking my fucking keys in my office

working my recovery

You’d think with as long as I’ve been at this that it might be a bit easier, but it never really is. There’s always the struggle to mend things I’ve broken while manic; the relationships mostly. And there’s the never ending desire for sleep.

I am proud to say that yesterday I was a bit productive AND that I only had to use my squishy panda once. That sounds so silly but it’s huge for me. It’s a good coping skill, don’t get me wrong, but the fact that I only really needed it once is what’s huge.

This morning I’ve been printing and collecting all of the documents I’ll need to have with me when I travel. I asked for advice from friends on Facebook regarding their favorite travel tips and hacks. Y’all are definitely welcome to share, too.

In all I would say that positive progress is being made on damn near all fronts. I’ll take it.

the crazy runs deep

It shouldn’t surprise me, this creeping madness, but it always does. It’s not as though it was overnight process to get there, it certainly isn’t to get out of it. But I have very little patience even at the best of times, which this is not.

Updates, as such…

I am sleeping, fairly regularly. I didn’t sleep well over the weekend because my skin stuff acted up something FIERCE. It’s finally subsiding. But I was in bed by 7pm last night.

My nieces did well at their competition. Unfortunately that much time in a bleacher chair didn’t help my skin.

The time I spent with Lancelot was mostly good. I’ll take it. I’m working hard to keep things with him good and keep moving forward with appropriate communication. I have a ways to go. But he’s still the one I want.

I got quite a bit of progress made with the second hat on Saturday. I haven’t measured but I would say I got about 4″ of the body knit. I put it down last night in favor of something new because the tiny needles were cramping my hands. I had purchased 4 balls of a KnitPicks yarn that’s similar to Noro Silk Garden and started a fairly simple garter stitch shawl with it. I think it’s going to be gorgeous.

I’m hoping this is a quiet week. I have roughly 3 weeks worth of dress clothes to wash and a new wireless network to setup at home. Fun times.

it’s a process, you know this…

It’s been awhile since I’ve dealt with the mania thing. I can’t remember how long because, let’s face it, I couldn’t reliably tell you what I ate for dinner last night. The last suicide attempt turned portions of my brains into scrambled eggs. But I digress.

I remember enough to know what I’m up against. This is a slippery slope I’m on right now. If I come down too fast I’ll go down too far and that, in and of itself, is just as dangerous.

Control and balance are the names of this game. Slow and steady will win the race and save my life. But holy fuckballs do I hate to slow down.

I’m trying to focus what little brain power I have right now on taking care of myself. I’m eating, listening to music, trying to knit, and giving myself permission to have down-time. In that vein I will not be posting again until Monday. Tomorrow will be spent taking a Mental Health Holiday. I plan to come back with pictures.

i wanna be sedated

If you’re familiar with The Ramones, well, there ya go.

Life is, very slowly, getting back to “normal.” I’m still irritable as all fuck but I’m trying. I have started eating again and I’m doing the things I know will help. But here’s the problem…

Slowing down to get out of the manic phase means slowing down. I don’t like slowing down.

I did realize the other day, earlier today, who knows… Anyway, I realized that Lancelot hasn’t known me when I wasn’t at least a bit manic. And that scares me. What if he doesn’t like the more mellow me? What if my slowness is boring?

He reassures me that this won’t happen and I’m trying not to let it trip me up. But I’m concerned.

I’m also concerned that my body appears to hate me more than usual right now. My skin stuff is acting up Big Time.

I did sleep last night. As long as I continue to sleep things will improve. I was also able to start the second hat last night which was nothing short of a miracle. I’m very thankful for it because the girls have a baton competition on Saturday and then there’s a fight on that night that Lancelot has already said he wants to watch so I’ll have ample opportunity to knit this weekend.

I’m thinking for the trip I’ll take supplies for two different shawls. They don’t tend to take up much room or need much other than the yarn and needles. I doubt I’ll be able to finish two, especially since the doc says she’s going to make sure I sleep on the flights, but still.