not a quitter – randomly erin

and now for something completely different

Maybe it has something to do with having lived paycheck to paycheck most of my life and just not being able to afford buying new stuff every time I want to change my surroundings, but I will argue to my dying day that one of the most satisfying ways to redecorate any space is to simply move shit around.

Move the furniture to a different place in a room or to a different room. Move the art on the walls. Move the random bits and bobs you have lying around. Open your eyes and intentionally see your world from a different perspective – literally. It’s extremely liberating.

And free.

What prompted my most recent metamorphosis at the house was realizing that one of my lil t-rex arms is constantly sore because my desk was too high and hence my arm was not in an ergonomically appropriate position. I talked to Lancelot and we agreed that a new standing desk would be a good solution – it goes down low enough when I need to be seated and it also goes up so that I can stand and hopefully that will have a few added health effects. It’s good.

But that prompted the question of what to do with the former, very heavy, desk. I had thought I would replace it; Lancelot came up with the brilliant idea of moving things around so I can have both desks.

And thus began the Great Spring Shit Shift of 2023, and lo, the people rejoiced.

Ok, so technically this wasn’t a completely free undertaking. All told I spent about $300 on the desk and a few new accessories. For that I got a newly renovated office, the guest room got a few new bits, the bedroom got changed up a bit, the living room saw major changes (two “new” chairs!), the entry way got redone, the sunroom lost a chair but gained a table and the big kitty condo, and Lancelot got another storage space for his man cave. It all looks fan-fucking-tastic.

Top Left: Eric enjoying a nap in the living room
Top Right: Last week I decided to wear something I knit every day
Middle Right: A very healthy dinner of salad, quinoa pilaf, and salmon cooked in the air fryer
Bottom Left: My work area in the sunroom
Bottom Center: Dahlia scarf (Ravelry link)
Bottom Right: Cable It Up scarf for my BFF Wendy (Ravelry link)

Goals update

Not a single bit of the $300 I spent was for craft supplies or clothes, so there’s a win. I’ve also been working on finding projects I can make with the supplies I have, like the scarves above. Last weekend I went through all of the shawls/scarves I’ve made and picked out the ones I really just don’t care for; I’m going to unravel them and try to reuse the yarn.

We’ve also really been trying to work on our eating habits. I’m still trying to fill us both with as many fresh fruits and veggies and whole grains as possible. Over the weekend I made Lancelot another batch of quinoa/oatmeal breakfast bars and I made myself a batch of breakfast grain stuff. Hard to describe, but super tasty. Overall I would say we’re doing well.

Another one of my goals has been to work on professional development certificates for work. I’m happy to say that I submitted my last assignment for one last week and I’m already making good progress on the next. I love learning, what can I say.

welcome to 2023

Eric did not enjoy his brief time wearing the dog’s holiday bandana…

We’ve been having a laid back holiday break. The guaranteed time off between Christmas and New Year’s is one of the best perks of working in higher ed as far as I’m concerned. I take time to stay up late, sleep in, and work on projects. We also got to spend some time with family and friends. We made our first full-on proper Christmas dinner. It’s been good.

Today I’m starting to return to a few of my “normal” things because work starts back up tomorrow. I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the year that was 2022, briefly.

We welcomed a niece to the family. We celebrated more birthdays and our second anniversary. We took two lovely road trips. I made a total of 179 projects. And we still (to the best of our knowledge) have not had COVID. It’s been a good year.

In terms of the goals I set for myself last year, I did really well. I was not able to lose weight and I bought a single skein of yarn, but I aced everything else. That makes me really proud.

My goals for next year:

No new craft supplies
Finish all of my kits
Read at least 4 books
Establish and maintain habits/routines for exercising
Complete at least 5 creative projects each month
No new clothes unless I need new underwear or bras
No new shoes
Lose 50lbs
Post on my blog at least once per week
Learn how to bake bread from scratch
Earn at least one professional certificate
Learn at least one new craft skill

Part of the weekly blog post will be an update on goals, to help keep me accountable. In the spirit of full transparency, I did stack the deck just a bit. Prior to the end of the year I purchased a few more craft supplies and some clothes. I also spent some time yesterday disassembling some old jewelry that I don’t wear anymore and salvaged most of it to reuse.

The “word” for next year is going to be FRUGAL.

We have plenty, we want for nothing really. Not saying that we’re wealthy by the financial standards set by many in this country, but we have enough to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, the lights on, and extra to do fun things periodically. By the standards of many places we are wealthy as kings, and that’s not lost on us.

Every month we make a donation to the local food bank. Throughout the year we make donations to other charities. I share my cookies whenever it makes sense, and we’ll continue to do that. Not spending money on things we really don’t need means we’ll be able to help others.

Top Left: Us on Christmas Day
Top Right: Eric the Red, the Most Interesting Cat in the World
Middle Right: Improv dinner – baked pork chops with onions, cranberries, and acorn squash in a whiskey mustard butter sauce
Lower Left: Beaded ornament I made for my friend, Dr. K
Lower Middle: Tiny star earrings I made myself
Lower Right: The finished Celtic Neck Warmer

setting the stage for success

I firmly believe in the mantra “work smarter, not harder.” It’s quite possibly the secret to any success I have in life. I would much rather spend time planning, and working, ahead so that I spend less time scrambling at the last minute.

I make menus for the week so I know what I need at the store so that I only make one trip. I get my outfits put together for the entire work week on Saturday morning so that I don’t have to think about it when I’m getting ready for work in the morning. I use a medication management system that allows me to fill an entire 30 mornings and nights worth of medicine at once and comes apart so that I can take my container of meds for a day with me if necessary. I cold brew my coffee at home 32oz at a time so that I have inexpensive, healthier, coffee at home any time I want.

Basically, if it can be done in a batch I do it that way. I had the epiphany yesterday during my massage that “efficiency is Lazy but with a purpose.”

At any rate, I’m gearing up for the year ahead and starting to make some plans. Here’s my officially official list of Goals for 2023:

No new craft supplies (unless I manage to completely deplete my stashes of stuff)
Finish all of my kits (beading, knitting, etc. including the ones I’ve put together for knitting projects)
Read at least 4 books
Establish and maintain habits/routines for exercising
Complete at least 5 creative projects each month (anything creative counts – drawing, knitting, jewelry, LEGO, etc)
No new clothes unless I need new underwear or bras
No new shoes
Lose 50lbs
Post on my blog at least once per week
Learn how to bake bread from scratch
Earn at least one professional certificate
Learn at least one new craft skill

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve stacked the deck in my favor here. I’ve stocked up just a tiny bit on craft supplies, bought 2 pair of shoes, an assortment of clothes (all of which will help rebuild my now lacking work wardrobe), and a new winter coat. In my defense, the coat is lilac colored, was 40% off, and was something I had been looking for.

Part of my plan to maintain my state of ~~lazy~~ efficiency will be to post an update on my goals as part of my weekly blog post. I’m currently toying with the idea of trying to figure out how to create a template for myself in WordPress just to maintain some consistency for myself ~~be lazy and not have to recreate the wheel every damn time~~. And so as to help keep myself accountable, I’ve not only told you fine people about my goals but I’ve also shared them with several of my good friends and I’ve printed a pretty copy of them to hang on the bulletin board next to my desk. Accountability and reminders, yo.

I do have some pretty things to show you. I’ve been working on projects, trying to finish a few things before the year ends but also adding in some new fun bits.

Top left – the Leaf Scarf, now complete with beads. It will need to be blocked slightly.
Top right – a Celtic Cables Neck Warmer, free pattern and using yarn I already had. Should be done soon, it’s farther along than it was there.
Bottom left – that is Vanessa the Plesiosaur. She was a crochet kit from Toft yarn and I would HIGHLY recommend their kits. I made that for the husband.
Bottom right – I’m making the Flyaway Vest using a beautiful laceweight yarn that ombres from a beautiful rich ruby to a vibrant fuchsia and back again. The entire thing was originally written to be stockinette stitch but I’ve modified the back to use Old Shale lace which I think will be particularly interesting seen vertically.

The neck warmer will definitely be finished before the end of the year, the vest may be as well. I do also have a few other projects still in progress, as you may recall, and I’m not sure about their status. I do seem to like having a variety of things going at once to stave off the boredom.

psych update

There isn’t actually much to report right now. I haven’t had any medication changes or symptom changes in quite some time now. I have gotten into the habit of using my full spectrum light in the mornings when I work at home and I know that helps with the Seasonal Affective Disorder. I also make a point of taking care of my physical health as best I can, better now than I ever have really, because at 46 years old I have finally realized that it’s easier for my brain to feel good when my body feels good. Remarkable, eh?

why must we do this to ourselves

I can’t even say that I really understand the origins of Daylight Saving Time because really, we aren’t “saving” a damn thing. The earth still takes 24 hours to make a full revolution around the sun. Yes, at certain times of year we get less of the light because of the tilt in the earth’s axis.

DEAL WITH IT.

Adjusting the clocks by an hour is like cutting fabric off the bottom of a blanket, sewing it to the top, and declaring that you’ve just “added” time. (not my original quote, some very wise Native American man is credited with it)

At any rate, the time change in the autumn always fucks me up. And it’s a silly thing really, but my body/brain always has a hard time making that adjustment. I’m like an animal that’s conditioned to eat dinner promptly at 5pm, and I don’t give a fuck if the clock says it’s only 4pm. Feed me, or else.

Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be feeling a little more like myself again.

creative goodies

Marlene had left me a comment about the beaded ornaments I mentioned so I thought I would try to show you all one of them. Apologies for the less than fantastic photo, I still shake and didn’t think to setup a better photo shoot this morning.

That one is a small glass ornament that I’ve done bead netting around using two colors of green size 11 beads, a different green in size 8 for the connecting points, and then I accented the dangles on the bottom with some red bicone crystals. I did a few others in a very similar style but with different color combinations and dangly bits. They take me a few hours to make on average.

I also did a few larger ornaments that are more disc shaped than the traditional globe shape. I used alcohol ink on the inside to give a little bit of color and then made dangle bits that are hung from the holes in the silver part at the top where the hook goes in. These were a lot quicker and quite a bit different than what I would normally do, but I like how they turned out.

I’ve done a variety of things with ornaments over the years, some more successful than others. One of the things I used to do quite a bit, that was reasonably cheap and easy, was to take the larger clear glass globe ornaments, take the top off, and then drip acrylic paint inside. I would use a few colors, usually no more than 3, swirl it around a bit, and then set them upside down in old egg cartons to drain and dry.

Having the paint on the inside protects it from getting scratched off and it helps this to be one of the less messy projects involving paints. It’s also great for people who claim to not be creative, have less than fantastic fine motor control, and small children.

psych update

Things seem to be going reasonably well. I haven’t been getting quite as much sleep as I know I should and I also know that’s contributing to my feelings of frustration lately. My fuse is shorter than I would like at times, but I’m generally able to keep it from reaching the sticks of dynamite, so I consider that a “win.”

I’m trying to dig into my bag of DBT skills and be the best “me” I can be. My self-care habits/routines are still in place and I have still been able to control my temper. I see all of that as positive. I also felt well enough mentally this weekend that I went and met with a group of knitters at the public library. It was good to get out of my safe zone and talk to other women.

both useful and decorative

A friend of mine has this legitimately delightful habit of gently (ahem) correcting people who are exhibiting negative self-talk. “Are you saying mean things to my friend Erin?” And she’s right, we shouldn’t do that sort of thing to ourselves. It’s not helpful and often just makes things worse. The most important thing here though is that she listens and then offers this support immediately. It’s another way to tell someone you love them without using that word. Food for thought for us all I suspect.

My plant area in the sunroom was feeling Very Cramped, but since there are kitties in the house I have to be careful with what’s where not only because they are destructive little fuckers, but also because some plants are toxic to them. Lancelot helped me select and then assemble this very modular solution that fits in the space on top of the cabinet where the plants had been living. There are no new plants here they’re just arranged differently. I think everyone will be getting better light now and it certainly doesn’t seem as cramped. L even commented that the whole room feels different now.

psych update

I met with my psychiatrist last week and it went very well. She agrees that being off the Lithium seems to be going quite nicely. She also agreed with my thought that I might have been a tiny bit overmedicated. However, the entire support network has rightly been concerned about me not being medicated enough for a hell of a long time, so better safe than sorry.

I’ll meet with her again at the end of November and, assuming things are still smooth, we’ll talk about possibly lowering the dose of one of my other medications.

This is a paraphrase from something I said to someone last week, and it’s utter truth: If you had told me in 2006 that a time would come when my life would feel “normal” and I would be “happy” I would have laughed and called bull shit. But here I am. A mental health diagnosis is not a life sentence, it’s a call to arms.

week two – second verse, same as the first

Today is the last day of my second week of the Lithium taper, which means that this week I took my normal 600mg nightly dose but nothing in the morning. So far I’m not really noticing anything one way or the other, and I honestly think that’s fantastic. I’m very hopeful that this is a good sign and that I may indeed be able to come off of, and stay off of, the Lithium.

I feel compelled to remind anyone reading this that I am doing this under the supervision of two doctors and that I have my entire village of family and friends keeping an eye on me. I would not ever encourage anyone to adjust medications like this without consulting their doctor first. Medication, particularly psychiatric medication, is nothing to trifle with.

But I’m feeling good, getting good sleep, trying to eat better, and starting to exercise a bit. I have more energy and motivation right now, but this doesn’t feel like that creep of hypomania sneaking in. This honestly feels like me but without the tinge of depression that can sneak into any of our lives. It’s a nice feeling.

week one check in

I started the taper last Tuesday which means that today I took my last morning dose of Lithium. So far so good. I’ve had a reasonable amount of energy – not too much – and things seem to be going well. This long holiday weekend (Labor Day in the US) has seen me trying to capitalize on the motivation I have and get some things done outside that I’ve been putting off, among other things. So, since I got off work on Friday we have:

Gone to two grocery stores (standard for us)
Went to the farmer’s market
Cleaned up most of the flower beds in the yard
Fell and hurt myself (not badly)
Cleaned up the garage and swept it out
Cleaned up and organized the storage space out under the house
Screamed when I found a dead mouse
Had my mom and step dad here for dinner (and they loved the Indian red lentil dish I made!)
I made a Christmas gift for a friend
Finally hemmed a pair of pants
And I cleaned up the closet in the guest room so it could actually be used by a guest

There has also been a reasonable amount of knitting. And this morning Lancelot was kind enough to start work on our skull army. I think this has been a pretty good week.

planning and scheming

I’m going to get the business out of the way first – I’ve started a four week taper off of lithium. I met with doc yesterday and she was willing to give it a shot, as am I. If I don’t need the lithium and that gives my kidneys some relief, awesome. And as my therapist pointed out when I met with her, perhaps no lithium will mean no tremor. That would be nice.

So Lancelot helped me get my med management trays setup for this, which is super convenient given they’ll handle that much time, so all I have to do is take my meds as per usual because the right bits are in the right containers. Things that make it so I don’t have to do heavy mental lifting are Very Good indeed.

So now I’m trying to do some “normal” planning, like working in the flower beds this weekend and trying to get the landscaping around the house in general in order. I have a planter in front of the front door that the squirrels have demolished so I’m going to get a different planter for next year and load it with flowers they allegedly don’t like. I’ll use the big planter that’s there now for veggies on the deck next year.

Really I think there’s just been a lot of ignoring things I probably should have been taking care of, and so I would like to try to get more on top of that. I would imagine that a lot of people are dealing with this as a leftover from the pandemic being so intense and lasting so long. Regardless, it’s unpleasant and I finally feel like I’m at a place where I have the physical and emotional energy to deal with it.

from the depths, she emerges…

It’s interesting how priorities shift over time. Once upon a time it was crucial to me to write on my blog on a very regular basis. It helped to keep me centered and grounded and it was Very Important to me.

These days I find that I spend less and less time with technology in general, and apparently it’s been more than a month since I’ve blogged. Perhaps this is good, perhaps it’s not, and perhaps it’s one of those things that Just Is.

I will say that I’m spending a fair amount of time working on creative projects and hanging out with Lancelot. We took a road trip a few weeks ago, something that is becoming an annual thing, and had a wonderful time together.

The weather was lovely, the scenery was fantastic, and the food was awesome

It’s kind of an odd time of year to be thinking about doing some introspection and contemplating what kinds of life changes I’d like to make, but here I am. I know that my health, and L’s health, aren’t fantastic and that changing some of our habits would be helpful for both of us. So that’s certainly something I’m working on.

I’ve also been trying to work with what I have in terms of supplies for my creative projects. I’m working on stash busting with the knitting/crochet projects and I haven’t purchased any new beads for a while. I really would like to make use of what I have before I just blindly add to what’s here.

That’s been my most recent, large scale project recently. Maybe this year. That is a fused glass serving tray that is slightly larger than one of our placemats. I hand cut most of it – except the circles and the dragonfly – and I think the result is fantastic. The ladies at the shop were impressed.

I am hoping to get some of the glass I have here at the house cut so that I can fuse it in the little microwave kiln L got for me. So many projects, so little time.

Until later, I do hope that y’all are doing well. Please be kind to one another.

letting it all flow

I haven’t been writing much lately because I haven’t been spending much time with the computer, and I can’t do this much typing in my phone. I might have mentioned this, can’t remember. Anyway, I’ve been doing the whole “living a life worth living” thing here lately and I have to say, I’m seriously enjoying it.

I’ve been spending most of my free time during the week knitting and then on the weekends after errands and chores are done I’ll tinker with jewelry and sometimes Lego. It’s hard to both mess with the phone and knit at the same time so… Yeah. But I’m really enjoying myself and I still have not purchased any new yarn. I’m very excited about that and about my “making stuff” goals.

One of my other goals is to try at least two new recipes every month and that’s been a huge success. So far we haven’t had anything that wasn’t good enough to tweak and try again. That blueberry thing was supposed to be something else, but I didn’t read the recipe quite carefully enough and then ran out of time to get it fixed, so I massively improvised. It’s a cross between a baked French Toast and bread pudding. It was entirely delicious. And fortunately I did write down the ingredients and quantities, so one of these days I’ll write up the recipe.

The other “excitement” we’ve had recently is finding out that Garth has asthma. He had been doing this dry cough thing at random times, but it didn’t seem to bother him. And then it did. So the vet did some x-rays and it really looks a whole lot like human asthma. Based on how much fun it was to do the x-rays she recommended we start treatment by giving him a steroid shot. The little buddy would not do well with pills. He seems to be better now, though only time will tell.

I’m a firm believer in Art Therapy, and what that means for me is finding ways to express myself creatively, knowing that the outlet helps me to feel centered and really it just recharges my batteries. I shared a picture of a jewelry set I had made on a social media platform and added the tag of “bipolar” to it. And then someone questioned if it was about bipolar, I’m guessing because neither the image or the actual text mention the disorder and I wasn’t talking directly about medications or side effects or how awful bipolar is or any of the other thousand things people tend to talk about.

I replied with basically what I’ve just said here; the creative outlet is how I recharge and so I definitely do see this as related to bipolar. And I stand by that. But it saddens me that there are trolls in every sub-group.