second verse, same as the first

Some things don’t seem to change much anymore, and for a while that really bothered me. Like, my life is so predictable and stable and normal and WTF??? And then I realized that I actually really enjoy this “normal” thing. Like a lot.

I’m doing pretty well with the whole adulting business. I’ve still been knitting and making jewelry and cooking, and I really enjoy those things. Lancelot and I have a lot more leisure time together and that is just beyond wonderful. We cook together, we watch weird shows together after dinner, it’s like a delightful little version of the alleged American Dream.

And I love it.

It does not, however, make for the most exciting blog posting. So do please pardon me for not being here as often. Know that I’m well and off enjoying the “not digital” world.

now with a side of even more random

Lots going on right now, and I can’t help but feel like that’s good. I’m getting into/back into doing some hobbies that I had put aside for years. I’m branching out more with what I cook at home. I’m really enjoying spending time with my husband. All in all, I have to think that this is what the therapists were suggesting could be my version of a Life Worth Living. (that’s a DBT concept and I think it’s pretty awesome)

Some random things I’ve noticed over the last six months or so...

I stepped away from Facebook in October 2021 because it honestly felt like a cesspool. Lots of nastiness, lots of ads, very little actual interaction among polite and respectful humans. I had a suspicion that it was impacting my mental health in negative way, and it turns out I was right. I uninstalled it from my phone and stopped opening it on the computer. I actually made sure that I can’t open it on my work laptop. The only times I got on were when Lancelot told me there were pictures of our niece.

No posts. No likes. No interaction of any kind.

It’s amazing how much more free time I found in my day, how much lighter my moods seemed overall. I didn’t miss it.

I posted something yesterday for the first time, but not until I did some major housecleaning. I ruthlessly unfriended people, removed myself from groups, and shut down notifications from pages. But after just one day I can tell you that this won’t be how it was. There’s still so much hate and trash and it’s not really worth it. So maybe I’ll post now and again, but we’ll see.

I’ve started making friends again, like real live, living and breathing humans that I can sit down with and have conversation and laugh and share food and stuff. They share interests with me, they’re respectful where it matters and brazen where it matters more.

It’s so weird making friends as an adult. Everyone is busy with their own lives, jobs and kids and being caregivers for others… But carving out time to spend with friends is part of my self-care and that’s maybe the most important lesson I’ve learned during the last six months.

These critters have helped keep me sane. They are nuttier than squirrel turds. Yesterday morning I was trying to work on troubleshooting an issue and here they all come, chasing each other up the hallway like a demon was after them, bounced across the bed to the other side, and back down the hall. I don’t even try to understand anymore, I just stay the hell out of the way.

2 down, 10 to go

I didn’t necessarily plan it this way but hey, it’s the end of February! I am not too disappointed that I haven’t been posting super regularly because it’s been because I’ve been involved with doing other things, like life. And adulting. Generally I would say that “life” is much more enjoyable than “adulting,” but not always. But I digress.

Ignore the black lines

I managed to get back to the glass studio this past weekend and had a delightful time. That flower thing will be a “pretty” that sits in a frame on a table. It was fun to make, especially now that I’ve figured out how to work with the glass and work around my hands not wanting to cooperate all the time.

Dinner last night! Red lentils and chicken thighs

Lancelot and I have been cooking together, pretty much every night, and it’s wonderful. We’ve decided it’s probably time to start getting to work on my whole “lose 50lbs by the end of the year” thing so I’m opting for even more health recipes. Never a bad thing really.

I am also happy to report that this month I completed no fewer than 13 creative projects, and that makes me very happy indeed.

Belgian waffles covered in crème anglaise, fresh fruit, and whipped cream

This may well be the most unusual title I’ve ever used, but probably not. And yes, as always, there’s a story here. Picture if you will – two adults looking for love but not sure they’ll find it. One has a “standard” schedule and the other works overnight. They want to go on a first date, but how does one accommodate such vastly different schedules?

You go for breakfast and get waffles that might as well be dessert and keep you looking over your shoulder for Wilfred Brimley to pop up and start talking about the high price of “diabeeetus” supplies.

And that’s what we did. Lancelot and I had that first date and it was the very last first date I have had. That makes me happy.

This lil guy also makes me happy

That is JB. When I told Lancelot his name I got “the eyebrow,” presumably because those are Lancelot’s real initials. But in this case it’s the initials for Junior Bear. He’s utterly precious.

We’ve already done our Valentine’s Day stuff, mostly anyway (damn you FedEx!!) because we did want to go out for a nice dinner but did not want to deal with many MANY other people who also wanted to go out. Today will hopefully be fairly laid back and chill, at least as much as is possible while working from home.

Jewelry!

Part of yesterday was spent doing creative things. L worked on some LEGO kits and I made jewelry. The flower-esque earrings were from a pattern and the skull necklace and earrings were all me. The more I do this kind of jewelry making the more I remember how much I enjoy doing it.

I am still knitting, though right now I’ve mostly been working on one of the charity scarves. Those are super important to me but do not make for the most exciting photos.

May your day be filled with enough food to nourish your body, enough sleep to nourish your brain, enough comfort to nourish your soul

it’s not my time

I don’t have many “IRL” friends (people I know in real life) which is fine, but it means that my support network isn’t very big. It’s all about quality in my world, not quantity. I would rather have one amazing friend I can call in the middle of the night than a whole stadium full of people who kinda sorta know me but don’t want me to ever call them. I would guess I’m not the only person who has ever dealt with this.

In my friend network I am one of the oldest and I’ve been diagnosed and in treatment for my mental illness longest, all to say that I tend to be the most stable and the most able to provide a shoulder to lean on. I take my Mama Hen role seriously and the majority of the time I enjoy taking care of my chicks.

Right now I’m struggling. I’m not sure why, and it’s not awful, but struggle is struggle and this struggle is real. Lancelot is helping, making sure I’m taking care of myself and doing his best to give me what I ask for. But I can’t rely just on him, that’s not fair. I will admit I’m not the best at asking for help, it’s just not my nature.

Yesterday I sent a text to a few friends saying that I wasn’t doing well. Like in those words. And got no response.

I know that they’re both struggling with their own things, and evidently they don’t need any help or they aren’t asking for any, so I’m just leaving that situation alone.

Maybe some day it will be my time? Maybe?

I’ve been trying to knit amidst taking naps. I’m still working on the Cable it Up scarf and still entirely loving it. The yarn is really nice to work with and the pattern is delightfully straightforward. The pattern is free on Ravelry.

don’t spend time looking in the rearview mirror, that’s not where you’re going, look to your future instead

I’m feeling it more that the end of the year is fast approaching. While I firmly believe in focusing my energy on the future and only looking to the past for those important “lessons learned,” I don’t think it’s horrible to do a little self-reflection. And the closer it gets to the end of the calendar year the more I feel that tug in my brain to do just that.

I’m intending to do a slightly more formal review of the goals I had set for 2021 and a grand reveal of the ones I’m setting for 2022, but that’s a post for another day. These are more along the lines of life lessons I’ve learned this year.

  1. Not all food prep is the same, and I get bored with a lot of it real fucking quick. I would say that frozen smoothie packs have probably been the most successful, followed closely by keeping hard boiled eggs in the fridge.
  2. Whole Foods has the best produce in our area and it’s totally worth it. Because of this I also learned that I love parsnips.
  3. I really like to cook Indian food, maybe because I really like to eat Indian food.
  4. Supporting small local businesses is a wonderful thing and we should all try to do it more often.
  5. Being happy is VITALLY IMPORTANT.
  6. I can be 45 years old and still be stylish. It’s not only allowed but it’s encouraged.
  7. I still love to read.
  8. It takes a whole village to keep a human happy and healthy, and those people include the “family we choose” and should not be taken for granted. The pandemic has showed me how vital that small group of tight-knit friends really are.
  9. It took being married to three men who were not right for me to realize that Lancelot is indeed right and necessary for my happiness. If that man isn’t my soul mate then I don’t know what that really means. With everything we’ve gone through already I can’t imagine having done this with anyone else by my side.
  10. A tight hug from the right person when you really need it is amazingly restorative. It’s the very best OTC remedy to soothe the soul.

Today I love… starting to set goals for next year, wearing an old scarf with new earrings, going to a glass tonight for the first time in ages, that L is taking over more in the kitchen, and more progress on projects

monday got me like…

Run Forrest, run!!!

Ok, so it’s not quite that bad. But I did just explode a container of vanilla yogurt because I was fighting with the package. Two valuable lessons learned from that, so not all bad. One, the dog really seems to like vanilla bean yogurt. Two, white yogurt on a greet shirt leaves an unusual yet hilarious visual. Use your imagination.

Anyway, the weekend was great. We did very little that would be considered “productive” and it was delightful. I did manage to finish a project I’ve been working on.

Rectangulum

This is what happens when you cannot be bothered to check your damn gauge. It should have been much narrower and much longer. However, it does “fit” and I like how the placement of the buttons/buttonholes makes for a lot of versatility. And that fucker is WARM.

I also managed to get a good amount of work done on the one remaining holiday present. I would say I’m now at least half way done, maybe more. Unfortunately this is one of those patterns where I’ll have to guess when I get close to the end and see how intense a game of Yarn Chicken I want to play. But progress is being made and that pleases me.

In other news, I found a really interesting show on Discovery+ called “Good with Wood” and it’s turning out to be something that both Lancelot and I enjoy watching. I think it’s probably a good break from all of the holiday baking competition shows I’ve been watching.

Having Lancelot here is slowly but steadily feeling more normal. (for everyone I think) It’s definitely nice to have meals with him and to have his company in the evenings. I still firmly believe that it was the right decision for him to leave that job, and he doesn’t appear to have any regrets.

We are fast approaching the end of one year and the start of another. I am not a person who does resolutions. I’m not broken, in need of fixing, so that just seems silly to me. But I do like to set goals for myself. I can’t find where I wrote down the goals I set for this year, but I feel like the ones I didn’t complete were 1) learning a new craft, and 2) exercising more.

I’m still thinking about what all would make sense for next year. I’d like to get back to posting about it more often, making more progress hopefully.

sometimes it’s just not worth trying to make sense of the nonsense in my brain

I’m generally a fairly organized person and I don’t have too much trouble staying on top of necessary tasks. It’s possible that the dental work plus the holiday last week has thrown me off. It’s possible that being on my feet too much and then having a cyst rupture has thrown me off. It’s possible that the 500lb bull I was trying to hold on to for 8 seconds has thrown me off. Wait…

Some days I just have more difficulty staying between the lines, so to speak. Today it appears that I have categorically denied the existence of the lines at all. And there you have it.

We had an amazing Thanksgiving with our friends. Good food and even better company is just a perfect combination. We all had so much fun that Lancelot and I decided that we’re hosting Christmas.

We actually got to have two Thanksgivings because the plans my mom and R had basically fell through, so I hosted the four of us here last night for a mostly traditional dinner. Again, good food and excellent company. The critters even mostly behaved.

We are not Black Friday shoppers, at least not the type that go out in public. I’m so against crowds anymore that we decided to have our groceries delivered. The only other shopping I did was also online and to support a friend of ours who does silversmithing. Her jewelry is amazing.

Even though Black Friday isn’t a thing for us, Small Business Saturday definitely is. We went to a local shop that sells local honey and my favorite local yarn shop. As a bonus, the yarn shop shares space with an art gallery so I managed to pick up a brass dragonfly in addition to yarn for a project I had picked out ahead of time.

We’ve also decided that we aren’t exchanging gifts this year, but we’ll give the money we would have spent to our local food bank. We certainly aren’t wealthy, but we’ve got more than many people do and I feel it’s vital to help since we’re able to.

Dog Blossom is not keen on having her picture taken, especially when L’s beard smells of turkey

I would take a little boredom right now, thanks…

Yesterday I had a root canal, the starting work of a crown for that tooth, and I think maybe a filling, I’m honestly not sure. I truly hate having dental work done and so about the only way to get me to tolerate it is to sedate the hell out of me. And that’s what they did.

I was in the chair all told about 5 hours. I remember sort of waking up at the end because my body ached, not my mouth. I kept trying to remove something from my face and my right arm was really sore. At any rate, I don’t really remember much of anything yesterday. My mom and Lancelot did a great job taking care of me.

And now here we are at the Thanksgiving holiday tomorrow. One of my dear friends has offered to host so we’re bringing side dishes. I think every family has their own food traditions that go with the holidays. For my family we always had turkey for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and it was always served with sausage dressing (same as stuffing but not cooked inside the bird), mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, a cranberry Jell-o salad, and dill pickles stuffed with cream cheese.

Don’t ask cuz I don’t know.

What I do know is I could easily eat my body weight in that dressing. Last year I made extra and wrapped it up really good in an aluminum pan and tucked in the freezer. We ate it last week and it was still as good as the day I put it together.

This is not the recipe for the best dressing in the world, I’d have to look that up. This is a sort of recipe for the smoothie we’ve been drinking a lot lately. You’ll need 2 bananas, unsweetened coconut milk, and pineapple juice (the no sugar added kind). For that many bananas I typically use 1 1/2 C of the coconut milk and juice, but you can adjust to taste; just go for equal parts. Either blend all of that with ice or blend and pour over ice, depending on how big your blender is.

so there I was, hip deep in yarn bands contemplating the virtues of bamboo needles versus metal when suddenly…

WTF?? This is most certainly not what I want

Garth is of the opinion, like most cats, that anywhere he plops down for a nap is his bed, and good luck telling him otherwise. He doesn’t share. He also has a tendency to find where Eric is napping and steal that spot from him by just being obnoxious until Eric gets up and leaves.

As I was sitting in my chair knitting on a relatively boring cowl, drinking my tea and watching the news this morning I realized that all of “this” – my morning routine – is likely going to change when Lancelot is working from home. But then, maybe it won’t. It got me thinking about routines and that maybe this is a perfect opportunity for me to re-evaluate some of mine to see if they really are still beneficial. I see the difference between “routine” and “rut” as pretty damn subtle, though highly significant.

It’s still going to be important for me to have consistent “go to bed / wake up” times because sleep is so crucial in managing my Bipolar. I feel like it’s also going to be important to have some time in the mornings to do a little knitting and enjoy my cup of tea. That’s almost more of a ritual at this point, and I feel that it does serve me exceptionally well.

Some of the things I do that feel sort of standard like menu planning and getting my outfits together for the week will certainly stay, though I’m hoping to be able to get L more involved with the menu because I think it would be great to get him more involved with cooking. (he has expressed an interest in this, so yay) I also anticipate some of the household chores will either stay the same or at least be pretty similar.

I honestly think the biggest difference will be with my nighttime routines. For a while I had been trying to shut down all of my electronics at 7pm and then pick up a book and read until 8pm when I went to bed. That lasted until I finished the book I was reading and sadly I have yet to get into a new book. I’m hoping that I can shift my bedtime until 9pm (since I won’t need to get up quite so early anymore) and then come up to my office at 8pm and read. I anticipate that time would allow L a little extra time in the evening to wind down how he prefers so that we both get better sleep. I hope anyway.

Today I love… hot tea with honey and cream, I love that there are no external meetings today so I can be a little extra casual, I love that today is chicken noodle soup day, I love that the cowl is coming out beautiful and I’m glad I decided to go with a non-pattern to let the beauty of the yarn shine through