seasonal affective disorder

fake it ’til you make it, right?

I got my hair done last night and this picture doesn’t totally do it justice. The cut is the same, it always is, but the front is now a silver-lilac color. This is what I had actually wanted last month. I love it, and Lancelot seems to approve.

I’ve made some progress with things, which is good. I’m mostly caught up on laundry, the bed got made this morning, I’ve been finding bits I need to take with for my trip, I finished one of my school books this morning, and I’ve been emailing with my mentor about ideas I’m having for the memoir. All good stuff.

The weather is still (trying to) kick my ass. This morning I decided that I am well and truly over this bullshit. No leggings or tights under my jeans, no boots, no extra layers. I’m wearing flats with NO SOCKS because I am a REBEL. I’m also wearing the utterly gorgeous tree of life necklace Lancelot got me.

I’m hoping that today is productive at work. I was out yesterday because of the weather and shot nerves, something that is happening entirely too often because of snow storms. I’ll kick some ass and take some names today to make up for it.

I’ll leave you with a picture of my beverage cup this morning. I stopped and got a chai latte at my favorite local coffee shop.

fits and starts that neither fit nor start anything

Sometimes life is a bit much to handle. This is one of those times. I’m plodding along, and I can tell I’m just plodding. But I’m still plodding in a forward direction so I’m still calling it a win.

Yesterday after work I went and met with my psych doc. She had offered to sit down with me and go over my charts so as to help pull relevant bits of fact for my memoir. I ended up staying in her office for almost an hour and a half. It was pretty damn awesome. She had notes about things I had completely forgotten and I now have a complete timeline of my illness. I’ve got three full pages worth of notes to work in. I’m up to 157 pages and that pleases me immensely.

I’m also keeping track of ideas I don’t want to lose. I use a program called Google Keep, in part because there’s an app for the phone and I can get to it on my laptop. That’s also the program I use to set reminders about meds and other things I don’t want to forget. And it’s free.

I know that part of what I’m dealing with right now is the Seasonal Affective Disorder. We still have a ridiculous amount of snow on the ground and it’s been below freezing for I can’t remember how long. And Daylight Saving Time is this weekend which always fucks me up.

I think the rest of my difficulties right now are tied to the trip and the presentation. My co-worker and I were supposed to practice today but she’s got a sick kid. We only get 25 minutes and that scares the hell out of me.

oh sunshine, why hast thou forsaken me?

I know we spoke on Tuesday but it feels like ages ago. Of course it also feels like ages ago since it was decent outside. I am so fucking over winter that I can taste it. Or is that the breakfast burrito I just ate? Never mind.

I had an appointment with the World’s Best Psych Doc on Tuesday. She agrees that I am not manic but that I would do well to get more sleep. I need some exercise, yes, and I need to give my brain more time to unwind at night. Good point. She’s so smart.

She has also offered to give an hour of her time, off the billable books, to talk about the tidbits in my chart that would be useful for the writing of my memoirs. How amazing is that? (reminder to self – need to schedule that)

Yesterday was both a snow day for us (the university actually announced the closing on Tuesday afternoon, something that is damn near unheard of) but it was also a planned day off for me. Mom had cataract surgery. I went very well and I managed to get us there safely in spite of the 6″ of fresh fucking snow.

Have I mentioned how much I am currently despising snow?

Anyway, I’m waging a protest today. I’m refusing to let this wash of white bring me down one minute more. I am going to be a force of nature, know as Spring, from here on out.

take THAT winter!!!

i’m not here right now, please leave a message at the tone…

I don’t know how else to describe it but I feel as though I have lost my muchness. This life does not feel like mine and I don’t care for it. Not to say there haven’t been a few bright spots recently.

We’re very cute together when we’re getting along. Friday night we were. Almost magical, really. Everything was delightful, we had great conversation, drank a toast to “us,” and I got a solid night of sleep. This morning there was fighting again because I expressed an expectation that was deemed as being needy. I admit being needy. I also admit to being high maintenance. I’m worth it. Regardless, the second time a fight happens I figure out how to change my behavior.

My nieces came for a slumber party last night and the kitties loved it, but required extra nap time. Oh to be a kitty.

While I no longer have long hair, or really much hair at all, I haven’t lost my touch for fixing hair. That’s the back of E’s head and I did a fine job if I do say so myself.

That is a shit picture of a hat I made for Mom. The yarn is black, dark blue, and purple and it is STILL FUCKING RAINING here so getting a reasonable picture is utterly out of the question. I was kind of pissed, I ran out of yarn before I officially finished the pattern even though I was using the exact right yarn and needles. Whatevs, she likes it and it looks great.

My next endeavor is to finish the purple shawl and then start working on some of the other projects I have started. And this week I’m trying to get back to good eating. I need to lose some weight and pronto. I’m feeling particularly unattractive right now.

rest for the wicked

I haven’t been online much lately, and truth be told, I’m enjoying it. I can’t remember when I last logged on to Facebook and I know it’s been awhile since I was on here. I’ve been trying to spend time actually doing things that I enjoy and that aren’t just sucking up my free time.

Writing is an enjoyable activity, but life has been just a bit much lately. The weather is still mostly shit and while the physical therapy is helping, it hurts like hell. So I’ve been mostly just hanging out with Mom and knitting.

The babies have been keeping me distracted.

Sometimes at night if I’m lucky I’ll end up with one of them snuggled in bed with me. Nothing quite as sweet as kitten lovies.

This shawl wasn’t much of a pattern, just a two-row repeat, but the yarn is incredibly pretty. I received a rather last minute invite to a wedding for the coming weekend and this is going to look great with the dress I found to wear.

Tomorrow night I’m going to a fused glass class and I’m really looking forward to it. I haven’t really done anything with glass since March. The project is a Christmas tree that will have LED lights. Super cool.

when the going gets tough, the tough drink chocolate milk

This is a hard time of year for me. In addition to having Bipolar I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so shorter days mean less sun and trouble sleeping. That one is easy to handle, the rest not so much.

Saturday would have been my dad’s 71st birthday if he hadn’t died of a rare form of cancer in 2012. Mom and I kept each other company and did a fair bit of reminiscing, even having the pizza she ate almost exclusively while pregnant with me.

We spent some time fixing the lights on our back deck and I ended up covered in little bug bites. I cannot wait for the first good frost to send those f^%$ers straight back to hell. I can deal with pain no problem, I’m allergic to almost all pain meds with the exception of morphine so I kind of have to be, but itching is a whole other issue.

Today I finally faced a medical issue and found that the pain I’ve had in my arm the last 6 months is a screwed up rotator cuff. Off to physical therapy I go.

Wednesday is going to be rough. Last year I lost both of my 18 year old calico cats on the same day. Sissy let me take her to the vet and be put to sleep peacefully. Evie crawled behind the furnace and had to be rescued and then died in my arms. My phone decided to be thoughtful and show me one of the last photos I took of Evie earlier today. I damn near lost it.

And this crap in Las Vegas… Why in the name of all that is holy can’t people just be nice to each other???