one foot in front of the other

I’ve been in a weird kind of “mood that isn’t a mood and is maybe lasting too long but then again so is the anxiety that’s ever present everywhere these days” kind of place and I have to say, it sucks.

I love the change of the seasons in an intellectual and visual sort of way. The change in the temperatures, the extra rain right now, the changing leaves are all really pretty and a very pleasant departure from what summer is around here. But if I’m going to have any mental issues they tend to happen during the changing of the light – sunlight that is. Too little in the autumn and winter cause one set of issues and the switch back to lots of it in the spring and summer causes a different set of issues.

Being mental is just such a fucking treat.

Once a month I haul Lancelot in for a haircut and beard trim and I usually get my mop of hair dealt with. This time I decided that enough was enough. I’ve been trying to grow it out but it was looking very much like how my grandmother wears her hair and I was not loving that. Changing my hair is actually a pretty standard thing with me. When I feel like it’s time to shake my snowglobe I will typically either go for a drastically different cut or, back in the day, a radically different color.

I’ve actually had my hair like this before, and it was most certainly a different color. I like the asymmetrical thing, especially since my hair’s natural curl makes this a ridiculously easy style for me in terms of what it takes to fix it. Approximately 3 minutes and a small dab of hair goo, that’s what.

I’ve been trying to spend some time getting back to meal planning and all of the other things that kind of feel like “life hacks” for me, because in all honesty, right now I need that shit more than ever. Apparently it’s working, at least at the surface level. One of the people that works in our office suite made the comment that I have my life together, which she totally meant as a compliment, but all I could think was, “little sister, if you only knew.”

All of the hacks and the prep stuff is really because I have a terrible, ugly secret…

I am hella lazy.

in a funk, wishing it was funkytown

The boys have been enjoying having empty boxes to play with, and so has Pippy. They see them as toys. I see them as reminders of the move. Don’t get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy that Lancelot lives here, I’ll be happier when the move is done. And that should be this weekend. Praise be to the Almighty Ceiling Cat.

The weather here hasn’t helped lately. Lots of rain and gray skies and cool weather. I guess that’s better than blazing heat, but it doesn’t exactly make me feel very energetic.

The house is coming together as are the wedding plans, and that’s good. But I haven’t really knit lately, or done anything else creative. Lately it’s been all I can do to keep up with the laundry and making dinner. I’m feeling a whole lot of brain fog right now and I Do Not Like It.

So rather than whine any more I think I’m going to go wind up a ball of yarn and try to start a new knitting project. Maybe cheating on my current WIPs will help.

plug me in, it’s time to recharge

This may sound odd but I have wicked issues with the change from Winter into Spring. Something about the extra sunlight makes my little brain feel like an Ez-Bake Oven that’s been plugged into a dryer outlet. Oy.

But I’ve learned this the hard way so I don’t have to suffer quite so much anymore. It never ceases to amaze me the weird stuff that I get to deal with. Like, did you know…

I am so perpetually dehydrated from the Lithium that I typically drain a 32oz cup every night, while I’m in bed. I wake up every hour or so completely parched. I figured out early on to just fix myself a big glass of water or tea and take it to the bedroom with me.

I have such trouble sleeping that, at doc’s orders, I take the bulk of my psych meds at bedtime PLUS I take Melatonin and Benadryl. Sometimes it still takes more than an hour.

I cannot deal with clutter and chaos. If my physical environment is too chaotic my brain fuck near shuts itself off. As soon as I realize I’m having trouble concentrating I look around to identify and then fix the mess. I try very hard to make my bed every morning and not leave the bathroom filthy. Before I leave work for the day I straighten up my desk. Sometimes I have to do that a few times during the day, too.

If I need to do something it has got to be written down or I will forget it. A combination of age and a little latent brain damage from the last SA have resulted in World Class Shitty Memory. I keep lists at work and on the phone for my personal stuff. Sometimes my lists have lists.

And don’t get me started on forgetting words. I sometimes know damn good and well that a word exists for what I want to say but it refuses to come to my mouth. I stop, breathe, say “English is hard,” and then it usually shows up. But it sucks.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to eat some pretzels and contemplate a new hiding spot for the bodies…


and now I’m SAD

Among the many other things I deal with I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, lovingly referred to as SAD. This time of year when there’s less sun I get lethargic and depressed. No bueno.

Fortunately the treatment is simple enough – a full-spectrum light that sits on my desk. I’m supposed to use it every morning for a few hours. Amazingly enough it really does help.

And right now I need all the help I can get. It feels like every time I open my mouth I stick my foot in it, clear up to my hip. I’m afraid I’m doing damage to my most treasured relationships.

On the plus side of things I’ve got enough yarn to keep my busy for possibly the next several years, so I’ve got that going for me. Over the last few weeks I’ve gone on a bender buying yarn from Etsy. There’s a purple skein with a metallic silver thread, white with a metallic silver thread, a skein that’s the prettiest combination of pale blue, pale purple, and very light pink. Oh, and then there’s the mini skein pack that has five coordinating skeins in shades of dark pink.

I’m going to be a busy girl.

fake it ’til you make it, right?

I got my hair done last night and this picture doesn’t totally do it justice. The cut is the same, it always is, but the front is now a silver-lilac color. This is what I had actually wanted last month. I love it, and Lancelot seems to approve.

I’ve made some progress with things, which is good. I’m mostly caught up on laundry, the bed got made this morning, I’ve been finding bits I need to take with for my trip, I finished one of my school books this morning, and I’ve been emailing with my mentor about ideas I’m having for the memoir. All good stuff.

The weather is still (trying to) kick my ass. This morning I decided that I am well and truly over this bullshit. No leggings or tights under my jeans, no boots, no extra layers. I’m wearing flats with NO SOCKS because I am a REBEL. I’m also wearing the utterly gorgeous tree of life necklace Lancelot got me.

I’m hoping that today is productive at work. I was out yesterday because of the weather and shot nerves, something that is happening entirely too often because of snow storms. I’ll kick some ass and take some names today to make up for it.

I’ll leave you with a picture of my beverage cup this morning. I stopped and got a chai latte at my favorite local coffee shop.

fits and starts that neither fit nor start anything

Sometimes life is a bit much to handle. This is one of those times. I’m plodding along, and I can tell I’m just plodding. But I’m still plodding in a forward direction so I’m still calling it a win.

Yesterday after work I went and met with my psych doc. She had offered to sit down with me and go over my charts so as to help pull relevant bits of fact for my memoir. I ended up staying in her office for almost an hour and a half. It was pretty damn awesome. She had notes about things I had completely forgotten and I now have a complete timeline of my illness. I’ve got three full pages worth of notes to work in. I’m up to 157 pages and that pleases me immensely.

I’m also keeping track of ideas I don’t want to lose. I use a program called Google Keep, in part because there’s an app for the phone and I can get to it on my laptop. That’s also the program I use to set reminders about meds and other things I don’t want to forget. And it’s free.

I know that part of what I’m dealing with right now is the Seasonal Affective Disorder. We still have a ridiculous amount of snow on the ground and it’s been below freezing for I can’t remember how long. And Daylight Saving Time is this weekend which always fucks me up.

I think the rest of my difficulties right now are tied to the trip and the presentation. My co-worker and I were supposed to practice today but she’s got a sick kid. We only get 25 minutes and that scares the hell out of me.

oh sunshine, why hast thou forsaken me?

I know we spoke on Tuesday but it feels like ages ago. Of course it also feels like ages ago since it was decent outside. I am so fucking over winter that I can taste it. Or is that the breakfast burrito I just ate? Never mind.

I had an appointment with the World’s Best Psych Doc on Tuesday. She agrees that I am not manic but that I would do well to get more sleep. I need some exercise, yes, and I need to give my brain more time to unwind at night. Good point. She’s so smart.

She has also offered to give an hour of her time, off the billable books, to talk about the tidbits in my chart that would be useful for the writing of my memoirs. How amazing is that? (reminder to self – need to schedule that)

Yesterday was both a snow day for us (the university actually announced the closing on Tuesday afternoon, something that is damn near unheard of) but it was also a planned day off for me. Mom had cataract surgery. I went very well and I managed to get us there safely in spite of the 6″ of fresh fucking snow.

Have I mentioned how much I am currently despising snow?

Anyway, I’m waging a protest today. I’m refusing to let this wash of white bring me down one minute more. I am going to be a force of nature, know as Spring, from here on out.

take THAT winter!!!

i’m not here right now, please leave a message at the tone…

I don’t know how else to describe it but I feel as though I have lost my muchness. This life does not feel like mine and I don’t care for it. Not to say there haven’t been a few bright spots recently.

We’re very cute together when we’re getting along. Friday night we were. Almost magical, really. Everything was delightful, we had great conversation, drank a toast to “us,” and I got a solid night of sleep. This morning there was fighting again because I expressed an expectation that was deemed as being needy. I admit being needy. I also admit to being high maintenance. I’m worth it. Regardless, the second time a fight happens I figure out how to change my behavior.

My nieces came for a slumber party last night and the kitties loved it, but required extra nap time. Oh to be a kitty.

While I no longer have long hair, or really much hair at all, I haven’t lost my touch for fixing hair. That’s the back of E’s head and I did a fine job if I do say so myself.

That is a shit picture of a hat I made for Mom. The yarn is black, dark blue, and purple and it is STILL FUCKING RAINING here so getting a reasonable picture is utterly out of the question. I was kind of pissed, I ran out of yarn before I officially finished the pattern even though I was using the exact right yarn and needles. Whatevs, she likes it and it looks great.

My next endeavor is to finish the purple shawl and then start working on some of the other projects I have started. And this week I’m trying to get back to good eating. I need to lose some weight and pronto. I’m feeling particularly unattractive right now.

rest for the wicked

I haven’t been online much lately, and truth be told, I’m enjoying it. I can’t remember when I last logged on to Facebook and I know it’s been awhile since I was on here. I’ve been trying to spend time actually doing things that I enjoy and that aren’t just sucking up my free time.

Writing is an enjoyable activity, but life has been just a bit much lately. The weather is still mostly shit and while the physical therapy is helping, it hurts like hell. So I’ve been mostly just hanging out with Mom and knitting.

The babies have been keeping me distracted.

Sometimes at night if I’m lucky I’ll end up with one of them snuggled in bed with me. Nothing quite as sweet as kitten lovies.

This shawl wasn’t much of a pattern, just a two-row repeat, but the yarn is incredibly pretty. I received a rather last minute invite to a wedding for the coming weekend and this is going to look great with the dress I found to wear.

Tomorrow night I’m going to a fused glass class and I’m really looking forward to it. I haven’t really done anything with glass since March. The project is a Christmas tree that will haveĀ  LED lights. Super cool.

when the going gets tough, the tough drink chocolate milk

This is a hard time of year for me. In addition to having Bipolar I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so shorter days mean less sun and trouble sleeping. That one is easy to handle, the rest not so much.

Saturday would have been my dad’s 71st birthday if he hadn’t died of a rare form of cancer in 2012. Mom and I kept each other company and did a fair bit of reminiscing, even having the pizza she ate almost exclusively while pregnant with me.

We spent some time fixing the lights on our back deck and I ended up covered in little bug bites. I cannot wait for the first good frost to send those f^%$ers straight back to hell. I can deal with pain no problem, I’m allergic to almost all pain meds with the exception of morphine so I kind of have to be, but itching is a whole other issue.

Today I finally faced a medical issue and found that the pain I’ve had in my arm the last 6 months is a screwed up rotator cuff. Off to physical therapy I go.

Wednesday is going to be rough. Last year I lost both of my 18 year old calico cats on the same day. Sissy let me take her to the vet and be put to sleep peacefully. Evie crawled behind the furnace and had to be rescued and then died in my arms. My phone decided to be thoughtful and show me one of the last photos I took of Evie earlier today. I damn near lost it.

And this crap in Las Vegas… Why in the name of all that is holy can’t people just be nice to each other???

how could you not love that little face? miss that baby every day