bundle of nerves

Lancelot and I are about to embark on a vacation together. Part of it will be spent in town just doing fun things and part of it will be spent taking a short road trip and staying in a bed and breakfast. I’m excited AF.

I’m also petrified. Utterly, terribly, 100%, petrified.

I have been bitten so many times, by other men, when it comes to plans that I am damn near immobilized by this. I know that he’s not like that. He’s never done anything like that to me. But still, petrified that I’ll do something or he’ll change his mind.

All because someone in my past who spoke false words of affection used to stand me up on a regular basis and make excuses as to why he couldn’t spend time with me.

I need to break myself out of this… How about a picture?

I finished the shawl and actually got the ends run in last night. The light in my office isn’t fabulous, but you get the idea. It looks pretty good with the all black outfit I’m wearing.

I am packed for our vacation. I’ve thrown in a sweater I knit myself, just because I like to show off a little. I’ll be taking the yarn and supplies to work on Lancelot’s hat. The yarn is a super soft, gorgeous tonal green sock yarn that I think is going to work up great.

I really probably should make a list, inventory maybe, of the various projects I have started that need to be finished. I can think of three shawls that are hanging out in various stages of “done” that probably could be finished pretty quickly.

What I should really do is go through the yarn stash and try to match yarn to potential patterns. And maybe think about making more than just shawls. Maybe.

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forgive me, my followers, for I have strayed…

Since last we spoke I have…

  • Bought 3 new pairs of knitting needles, because they were on clearance, and they’re bamboo
  • Bought 3 new pairs of shoes
  • Bought clothes – for work
  • Gained some weight and lost some weight
  • Did a pretty thorough clean-out of most of my crap
  • Got confirmation that we will be moving office space at work; I get to see the new digs tomorrow
  • Taken a week off work
  • Started a sewing project
  • Finished some smaller projects
  • Realized how amazing sugar free chocolate syrup and club soda mixed together are
  • Discovered why zoodles are so exciting, and yummy

I’m doing alright, keeping busy mostly. The cats like to help which isn’t really much help at all, but I love them.

I’m also still single, which is still just fine. I ended up needing to help a guy on campus that I had a prolonged, and mostly painful, “thing” with and it was sad, but not how you’d think. Damn near every gift I had ever given him was in his office, prominently displayed. I’m not sure if that was for my benefit that day or if he’s got a new woman going to his apartment regularly who isn’t interested in seeing that shit laying around. Who knows. With him anything is possible. Regardless, it was purely professional. Yay me.

my body hates me, the whole damn thing

Taking the week before my surgery off work to get stuff done and ready for Christmas has proven to be a really good idea. I’ve made some amazing progress with making gifts, I’ve had time to suffer through a rotten ass cold, and I went for my first mammogram.

And then my second mammogram.

And then a follow up ultrasound because something doesn’t look right.

And now tomorrow I’ll be having a needle biopsy done. On the left side. Same as the ovary. (also the same side that has a purple and green Celtic butterfly tattoo, but I digress)

I’m trying to stay positive about this, I really am. But honestly, it really does feel like my whole body is hell bent on making me pay for sins I committed as a much younger person. I am not at all amused.

On the upside, the mammogram docs are trying to coordinate things with the oncology doc that will be taking out the ovary so that just in case I need two surgeries I can have both done at the same time. A TWO-FER!!!

Still not amused.

For what it’s worth, I will never EVER go on vacation again.

let me recap for you

I’ve been meaning to do this for, well, about a week now. These are some of the photo highlights from my vacation.

“helping”
finished project
Garth, aka “white toes”
crazy yummy
Eric the Red
I don’t do “normal”
Peacock jewelry for Wendy
Pretty new necklace for me

It was great to have time to just hang out. I finished 3 wash cloths, a shawl, a pot holder, the jewelry you see here plus some other stuff, whipped up a fresh batch of facial scrub, and a bunch of other creative bits. I needed that to recharge.

It’s been good being back at work this week though. I do miss my routines when I’m gone from the office for too long. Plus I have a ton of friends at work. Maybe next time I won’t go so long between breaks.

so far so fabulous

I’m sitting here trying to think of all the wonderful things I’ve done in the last few days. I’m not sure I’m going to remember all of them.

  • farmer’s market
  • took my grandmother to lunch
  • changed out the boring hardware on my dresser with kick-ass butterfly knobs
  • ran a METRIC TON of errands
  • made salsa again
  • made some beautiful jewelry
  • made a funky wreath for my door
  • got my hair done
  • found a really cool new second-hand clothing boutique that carries my size
  • signed up for a limited edition modeling gig that pays off with a store discount
  • rolled around on the floor with the kittens like an idiot
  • signed up to take an art class
  • ate fresh figs for the first time and then made a killer little dessert with them
  • did a bunch of other random stuff around the house

I’ve been off work since Saturday. At this rate I’m going to take over the world sometime around lunch tomorrow. But truly, this is my kind of vacation. And I’m feeling amazing.

staring down the barrel of a week off work

You can ask anyone who knows me that I don’t often take time off work. It’s not that my work means that much to me, more that I know I do better with the structure that going to work for 9 hours every day brings. And I do actually love what I do, so that helps. But anyway, more often than not the little HR system sends me a nastygram every few months telling me I’ve got so much vacation time waiting to use that I’m going to stop earning any more.

Well hell.

Part of my dilemma is that I mostly hate to travel. Flying is The Suck and driving Takes Forever. I will say that I prefer to drive because then I’m on my own schedule and I can take as much of my stuff with as I want and I can use a real restroom. I am 41 years old and have yet to use the loo in an airplane. Rather proud of that, actually.

Anyway, traveling with people is much more interesting but it still involves packing and the actual travel and then sleeping in a strange bed and the whole Being Away From Home nonsense.

It’s just not often my thing, ya dig?

So I’ve taken the entirety of next week off work but I don’t really plan to go anywhere. I much prefer to Staycation. I fully intend to be lazy, do some things around the house, maybe do a little shopping, and mostly just breathe. Oh, and knit.

I do think it’s super important to take time away from the daily grind and to recharge the ol’ batteries. If we don’t do that, and put ourselves first now and then, we end up with nothing left to give anyone else.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that even though my brain is fully capable to running for days on end with next to no food or sleep when I’m not taking my meds and that kind of feels like flying and being on top of the world, it’s really the worst thing ever.

Anyone who tells you that they miss being manic is delusional. Mania is a liar, worse than any cheating lover. For as high as you go you come crashing, hurtling, down twice as fast and far. The end is awful. And it’s not worth a single minute of it.

That’s why next week I will be going to bed at normal hours, eating healthy and wholesome food, and taking care of myself. I need to punch my own damn reset button every now and again.