That was me approximately 10 minutes before the big interview. I met with the Associate VC first, and then the committee I had met with before, for a total of 90 minutes. It was a marathon to say the least. But I was prepared this time. I had taken the time to write myself notes in the back of my planner, I thought through the things I wished I had said during the first interview and wanted to remember, and then I wrote a list of the Top 10 Reasons To Hire ME.
That was on Monday, and let me tell you – I’ve been agonizing over the wait since then. I knew it was down to me and one other person. I knew that I was the internal candidate and that I had everything going for me. I knew that it felt like I had aced the interview.
And I knew that until the call came nothing at all was for sure.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve changed jobs. I’ve worked in essentially the same organization for 23 years, doing the same thing really since 2007. That’s a long time to get comfortable. And now it looks like things are about get shaken up. An email came out yesterday about one of the top people in the division I’m in taking a position in another part of the university, and my gut tells me this is just the first domino in a series that indicates a much larger restructuring. All the more reason to get out.
This is a shawl I worked incredibly hard to get done in time to wear to a friend’s wedding, only to discover that it looked absolutely awful with the dress I wanted to wear. But it’s a beautiful little shawl and I’m proud of it. And it kept me busy while I was anxious.
Oh, so you’re wondering about the job, right? I’m just waiting for the phone call with my official offer to come in and then I can officially put in my two-week notice. I got it.
Top: Being the “cool aunt” that I am, I took my niece to a bar last Friday to see a friend of my who plays upright bass in a band play a gig Middle Left: Eric being all angsty in my lap Middle Center: Me, the morning of my first interview for The Dream Job Middle Right: We had multiple tornados a few weeks ago which meant I had multiple cats on my lap Bottom Left: Garth the Gargoyle Kitty Bottom Center: Pippy loves chewing on knit wash cloths Bottom Left: For some stupid reason I decided I needed to crochet a shawl for a wedding next weekend and for an even stupider reason I decided the flowers on the edge needed to have beads added
I skipped posting for a week because I had hit a wall and needed a break. I assume this is something that happens to all of us, but I know for sure it’s something that happens to me every now and then. The stress of not knowing when things would start moving with the job and the stress of knowing exactly what’s going on with my current job all got to be too much and I had a mini-meltdown.
I did some of that ugly scream crying stuff that always leaves me feeling like I’ve been turned inside out and with a headache like no tequila induced hangover ever could. But then I felt better. I realized that I don’t have to do All The Things, that it’s Ok To Take A Break, and It’s Fine to Not Be Fine.
I spent the rest of that day doing the bare minimum I needed to do – I took a shower, I brewed coffee for the week, I washed the one load of laundry I don’t let L touch, and I watered my plants. Normally on a Sunday I do all kinds of stuff so that felt like I was totally slacking, but it was literally the absolute limit of what I had energy for. I spent the rest of the day in my chair knitting wash cloths and watching Farmhouse Fixer. (do not judge my tv watching choices)
I have since started to bounce back, but I’m being much gentler with myself. I feel like I pushed myself too hard for too long, and I didn’t need to. I put that pressure on myself and it wasn’t necessary. The world isn’t going to grind to a halt just because I don’t Do All The Things. I also realized how much I love “Past Erin.” Let me explain.
There have been times in the not-so-distant past when I was feeling good and did have energy, and so when I would do things like food prep on the weekends I would make extra of things like steel cut oat bowls and I would freeze them. That’s what I’ve been having for breakfasts and sometimes lunches right now. I don’t have the extra energy it takes to do anything beyond bare minimum – which is making my coffee – so I’ve been able to pull out a bowl and go and not worry about it.
I’m leaning in to all of the various coping skills I’ve learned in therapy the last 18 years right now. I’ve had to slow down, breathe, and very intentionally take care of myself. Survival is the name of the game.
So in case you missed it, that small picture of me in the middle of the collage was what I looked like last Friday, the day I finally got the first interview for The Job.
This was the short interview, and I think it went well. There should be another one, and I’ll find out one way or the other by this Wednesday. But I really do feel positive about it.
Top Left: You know it’s bad when the vet greets you with “and how’s our frequent flyer today?” Top Right: The tulips on campus are gorgeous right now Bottom Left: My breakfast date yesterday morning was rather gorgeous as well Bottom Right: The Hakea Cowl is actually done, but that’s the best photo I have where you can see the colors of the yarn
Garth kitty had a rough time, again. On Friday afternoon I noticed that he was more lethargic than is usual for a cat, and he was camped out in my chair in the living room, which isn’t generally an afternoon nap spot for him. When I tried to pick him up, he growled at me. Lancelot mentioned that he’d been throwing up more than usual the day before, so I called the vet and we got him in right away.
He was running a fever and had lost 6 ounces, which on a 9lb cat is significant. They did an x-ray, which fortunately did not show anything, and took blood. Everything in the physical exam was normal so they gave him subcutaneous fluids, a shot of antibiotics, and an anti-nausea shot. We brought him home and he went back to napping in his chair.
I got up around 1:30am to let the dog out and offered Garth one of those lickable cat treat things and almost didn’t get all of my fingers back. He’s slowly been feeling better and is up to his usual antics. The vet called yesterday morning and said all of his blood work came back fine, which was great. I was worried he might have eaten something off the floor that we dropped and missed and was suffering from kidney or liver failure.
We’ve been feeding him wet food to try to get a little weight back on him and he loves that, as does Eric because he gets to have whatever Garth doesn’t eat.
I’ve sort of, kind of, maybe, mostly figured out a rhythm for my life. I think. Perhaps. And it’s working. The class I’m teaching has settled down now that I’ve sorted through and straightened out the instructions for the assignments and built relationships with the students. I do my grading and prep on Sunday mornings and it’s only been taking about 90 minutes or so, and it’s not bad. I’m actually entertaining the idea of seeking out another adjunct teaching position because I enjoy it.
I’m also finding my rhythm when it comes to the changes with my eating, though I have to say it’s much harder on the weekends. It’s easier to do food prep for when I’m going to work during the week, in part because that saves me time. And I have these fun little divided storage containers that make it really easy. I do not get all into the bento box/Pinterest mom/over the top thing – but I like that I can keep my 1/2C of cottage cheese from mingling with my pickles.
Anything I can do in a batch to make my life easier is a good thing.
I finished knitting the Hakea Cowl (Ravelry link) late last night. I don’t recommend knitting twisted rib with fingering weight black yarn at 9pm. I only did 11 repeats of the pattern because it seemed like it was getting long enough for my taste. I love the contrast between the black and the vibrant pink/orange yarn I used. It will definitely need to be blocked to get the ribbing at the top and bottom to lay flat, but it’s absolutely beautiful. And the pattern was very nicely written; I would recommend the purchase, it’s well worth it.
Now I’m trying to decide if I should wind up yarn and start a brand new project or pull out something I had started previously and temporarily fell out of love with. Probably pick up something I’ve already started, that’s the smarter thing to do. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have any small projects on the needles right now that are suitable for traveling with or talking while I knit, and I’ve started going back to the Saturday knitting meet-up and I want to have things to take with for that. Too many decisions.
No news yet on the job. I do know that they haven’t started scheduling interviews yet, and I’m still being told that when they do, I’ll get one. So there’s still hope and I’m still being told that things should work out the way we’re wanting them to. But being the realist that I know I have to be, I’m still thinking about what my alternatives need to be. I think no matter what the situation, you should always know what your options are, even if the situation is just having to pick which flavor of candy bar to get.
Top Left: Talyn reluctantly shared “his” chair in the sunroom with me yesterday Top Right: New spring wreath for the door I made, also yesterday Bottom Left: The result of making sugar free cherry Jell-o with unsweetened coconut milk instead of the 1C cold water (looks like something from The Last of Us, tastes like regular Jell-o) Bottom Right: Dog Blossom attempting to beg pizza last night (and failing miserably)
I can honestly say that I feel caught up when it comes to the essentials – the laundry is as caught up as laundry ever is, the bills are paid, there are groceries in the house, and my work is caught up. What I am not caught up on are the things that bring me joy, like reading blogs and books and finishing knitting projects. Admittedly, making the new wreath yesterday helped.
Teaching the class is taking a lot of time, but spending so much time last weekend working on it has paid off. This morning I spent about two hours catching up on this week’s grading and that was it. It’s definitely been a rewarding experience, and I do think I would enjoy doing it again under different circumstances.
The Jell-o experiment is the result of wanting/needing different things to eat since I’m trying to eat healthier. I like Jell-o but I was trying to figure out if I could maybe get it to have some kind of nutritional value aside from putting fruit in it, which is fine, I’ve done that before and will almost certainly do it again. Honestly, the flavor is just like regular cherry Jell-o, and the nutritional value add is so negligible, that it’s not worth it. But it is kinda fun to look at.
Right now my house is full of the amazing aroma of cooking beef bologna. This is a recipe I got from a former mother-in-law and it’s super easy and should be an ideal high protein snack. The added bonus is that I know precisely what’s in it.
There’s been no news about the job I applied for yet other than they’ve closed the posting, which means interviews should be scheduled soon. I’m still trying to stay optimistic, there’s no reason to think this should go any way other than how I’d like it to go, but I know that I also need to be realistic about this and have a back-up plan just in case. Putting your eggs in one basket isn’t a great strategy, but petting the chickens isn’t a bad idea.
Top Left: A very petite pendant I made for one of my very good friends because the beads are a super dark galaxy blue that reminds me of her hair (mint for scale) Top Right: Filigree heart I made on Friday at the glass studio Bottom Left: Just a female wild turkey taking a stroll on campus last Monday Bottom Right: Pippy has the cutest pupper nose
I do not understand how people work more than one single full time job.
Please don’t misunderstand me – I 100% comprehend how it is absolutely necessary in this economy, with as expensive as everything is, to need to work more than a single full time job just to afford to be able to live. I get that part just fine. What I don’t understand is how anyone manages to balance all of the moving pieces and parts that go along with all of it, especially if you have kids, which I do not.
Like honestly, how in the fuck do people do this every day and not lose their everloving minds??? Someone please tell me!
I’m trying to capitalize on the skills I have in terms of organization and time management. Some of the things I was already doing are continuing to help me – things like planning my outfits for the week in advance, having recurring reminders in my phone for tasks, keeping a planner, having a shared Google calendar for Lancelot and I so we don’t lose track of appointments, and meal planning. All of that is helping a ton and if I hadn’t already been doing those things, quite frankly I think I’d be fucked right now.
But still, on Friday, I looked at L with tears just below the surface and told him I was feeling overwhelmed again. There’s so much to try to get done this weekend yet with my class, all of the normal house stuff, I knew that we had commitments yesterday, and Garth needed to go to the vet because he’s been having more asthma attacks.
It felt like much too much, and I was starting to feel paralyzed again.
I had taken the afternoon off work to go to the glass studio and take the class to make the Filigree Heart, but they had called me Thursday afternoon and said there weren’t enough people signed up so they weren’t officially going to have class, but I’m a long time customer and they know me so said if I wanted to come in anyway I was welcome to. Lancelot insisted that I go, and I’m glad he did. Having that time to do something creative that was just for me helped to recharge my batteries.
In other interesting news this week, I finally got to see the nutritionist. It was good to find out that a lot of the changes I’ve been making have been good changes. She also gave me a lot of really good, very practical, suggestions. For example, right now I’m having my first coffee of the morning that includes a plant-based chocolate protein powder, unsweetened coconut milk, and non-fat dry milk. She wants me to try to focus on getting 115g of protein every day, get at least 64oz of fluids, and try to aim for about 2000 calories. The coffee drink has 27g of protein and 280 calories, and I think tastes better than the pre-made protein shake things I’ve tried.
I’m using the app with my Fitbit to track everything and I’m still working on adding in more activity as well. That’s going to be something I try to get back to trying to do this week at the office. I had been trying to make a point of taking a lap around our floor every time I got up for a restroom break; I need to get back to doing that. I will say that teaching the class on the other side of campus twice a week is definitely helping me to get more walking in.
I don’t have a picture yet, because it very desperately needs to be blocked, but I did finally finish the Leaf Lace Scarf II yesterday morning while Lancelot was getting his massage. We go once a month to get massages and I always take a knitting project with so that I can knit while I wait for my turn; it’s built in knitting time for me and I love that. Anyway, I finished the scarf and it’s beautiful and it’ll be even more beautiful when I block it.
I have a few projects on the needles right now that just aren’t all that exciting so I’ll probably try to start something new later. I need to look over my Year of Projects list and see what jumps out at me. Right now I need to go look at my class and see what all I need to work on in terms of grading, and assignments that need better instructions, etc.
Left: Me, sporting my recently finished Planet X / Bandit Cowl and looking like a perpetually pooped pigeon Right: We moved one of the dog’s beds by the back deck door for various reasons and of course the cats immediately claimed it
Teaching this class and working full time is wearing me out, no two ways about it. But I am loving it, no two ways about that either. Several of the students are challenging, mostly in how to get through to them, but I’m enjoying that as well. I’m not sure if this is more work because I’m trying to use what someone else started with and was halfway into, or because I’ve just never done it before. Part of me thinks it would be an interesting experiment to try teaching the same course again but starting from scratch with my own syllabus.
The other part of me misses not having to grade papers and think so much about comma placement and having to remove extra words from sentences.
But it does reiterate my feelings that the direction my career needs to head in now is much more student-focused, and that’s why I was so relieved Friday afternoon when I got notified that The Job had finally been posted.
I know that I’m qualified. I know that I have the experience within the institution and the contacts. I know that I’m willing to do the work for the pay they’re able to offer.
And even with all of that, I know that I am still nervous as fuck and will be until the offer has been made. I try my very best every day to be as optimistic as possible – it’s never whether the glass is half empty or half full, the damn glass can be refilled. But I also know that the only two things in this life that are “sure things” are death and taxes.
I’ve done the right things, all I can do now is let the Universe take care of what needs to be done. I’ll just feel a whole lot better once that offer is on the table and my old job is in the rear view mirror.
Left: Garth doing a very beautiful little “boop” Right: Me, pre-party and pre-margarita
My birthday was Thursday, and I was incredibly thankful I’d had the foresight back whenever it was to have taken Thursday and Friday off as vacation days. You may remember that Monday was the first day of my new teaching adventure, and so I taught both Monday and Wednesday in addition to my regular job, in addition to the other “adulting” things that come with being a person of my age. So having two days where I was not contractually obligated to be places at specific times (that I didn’t really want to be) was amazingly helpful.
I was, however, very productive those two days and I feel like that’s going to be what sets me up for success. On Thursday we went for breakfast and then ran a few random errands; nothing urgent or earth shattering, but minor things that I’d been needing to do but hadn’t taken the time to cross off the list. We also got hair cuts and then did the grocery shopping to get that out of the way.
And then I relaxed. Lancelot cooked dinner for us, per my request. He made a very lovely blackberry hoisin pork tenderloin and baked sweet potatoes that we enjoyed with a bottle of blackberry mead that we brought back from our anniversary trip last year. It was heavenly.
On Friday I worked, but at my own pace and on my class. I got caught up on grading, I fixed the assignment directions, I sorted out a few issues with the schedule, I sent email messages to the students who didn’t show up at all last week, and I posted an announcement in the course. Basically I wanted to make sure that I’m as ready as I can be for at least this next week, and then a little bit further. These students have had a rough time already this semester, I feel like it’s my duty to do right by them.
Saturday I spent some time in the morning with Lancelot getting our garage straightened up and then fussing with my plants. He got me the most gorgeous bromeliad (it’s a plant) for my birthday and that required another shuffle of who gets to live where. In the afternoon I headed downtown to one of the big maker spaces to do a needlefelting class with one of my good friends, Miz T.
And then, then last night we partied.
We reserved the party room at our favorite Mexican restaurant, I invited a big group of friends, we ate, we drank, we laughed our asses off and had a fantastic time. It was an amazing night. (in case anyone was concerned, one set of friends picked us up and another set drove us home)
I am not one of those women who has ever been upset about getting older. On the contrary, I look at it as a gift. There are so many people in this world who don’t get the privilege of growing old because they don’t have access to enough food or medical care or just the basic needs to survive, so the fact that I do have those things and I’ve made it as far as I have is really a gift, and I try to cherish each day I have.
I know I told a lot of my friends who came to the party last night that I love them, and I hope that they didn’t just think that was the tequila talking, because I’m pretty sure I tell them that anyway. And I think we need to normalize that. Tell the people you care about how you feel every day, because we don’t know how long we’ll get to have those people.
Left: Me, Wednesday morning, showing off my latest project before I left for work – it’s a combination of a crocheted band made with black hemp and knit roses/leaves using leftover bits of Koigu Right: Pippy, chilling in bed with Lancelot
I shit you not – when I created this little collage and saved the image I named it “before-after” because that’s how I felt on Wednesday. Let me give you the full story.
Life has still been a bit turbulent, but it was getting better. I had been, still am, taking care of myself and sailing along fairly smoothly. Wednesday morning I was very pleased that I had finished that rose choker you see me modeling above, partly because Stitchcraft Club is Wednesday afternoons and I wanted to show off. So I snapped my lil selfie in the morning and off I went to work.
I met with a faculty member midday about a project we’re working on and she mentioned that I would be a much better fit to take over a course for someone who has to go on medical leave than she would be; she said I have a better background for it since I have the graduate certificate in this program. I know the person who’s taking leave; I had actually met with her on Monday to talk about putting a project we’re working on into a “hold” pattern until she gets back. But I’ve never taught before and I didn’t think I had the right credentials to even be considered.
At any rate, the department chair ended up reaching out to see if I was interested in taking over the class for the remainder of the semester and that, gentle reader, is why I now I feel like the picture of doggo on the right side of the collage.
I was asked if I was interested at approximately 1pm, offered the contract at 4:30pm, signed it at 6pm, got access to the course officially the following morning (Thursday) and started working on it. I’ve spent the last few days sorting through the course trying to figure out what’s been happening and how to make sense of everything.
Unfortunately the person who is taking medical leave, who happens to be a friend of mine, hasn’t been doing well for quite some time now and has really been struggling to take care of herself, let alone her classes. So I’m going to do my best. She needs to focus on figuring out her health issues, and fortunately when I met with her she said that knowing I’m taking over this class is helping her anxiety, and that made me feel good.
Wish me luck, y’all. I’m going to need it. Did I mention that I start tomorrow morning? And it’s an in person class?
Ridiculous side note – in going through the course to see if she had any examples of what she’s looking for in some of these assignments, I found one of my old projects. It’s easily 10 years old, but it gave me all the feels.
Left: Just me, showing off a shawl I knit some indeterminate amount of time ago Top Right: All three feline beasts Bottom Right: Zarah, a mosaic knit necklace
Life does some interesting things when you least expect it, and right now I’m still processing some of those things, so we’re not going to talk about them just yet. I can and will say that I am safe, and taking care of myself, because it’s important to remember that when you’re on the airplane of life and the cabin pressure drops and those masks come out of the thingy above your head – put your mask on *first* so that you can help the person next to you. Or, another analogy I’m fond of, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
To keep my cup full these days I am knitting, crafting, cooking, spending time with the felines, and this weekend we went for our monthly massages and I splurged for a hot stone massage (I will totally be doing that again).
I had also decided that keeping myself appropriately busy was a very effective coping strategy to deal with some of the excess stress, so I set a mini-goal to pick one of the smaller projects from my Year of Projects list and make it this weekend. I’m beyond happy with how my Zarah Necklace (Ravelry link)turned out. This is a mosaic knit project that uses very little yarn and literally took me only a few hours. I did decide to make a beaded fringe at the bottom instead of the tassel she called for, but hey, I’m a beader. I’ve purchased several of Amber’s patterns and I think they’re well worth the price.
I also started a few other projects, one of them on my list and one of them on a total whim, but neither are far enough along that I’ve taken pictures yet. Hopefully I’ll have one of them done by Wednesday because I’d really like to wear it for Stitchcraft Club. I’ve decided that I thoroughly enjoy combining fiber and jewelry; maybe I was influenced a bit by the young man at the meat counter at the grocery store on Friday who complimented the purple crocheted flower I have on my winter jacket. Who knows…
I hope that all of you are doing well and taking care of yourselves.
Left: I like this picture of myself a whole lot better. I didn’t make the beautiful rose focal bead on the necklace I’m wearing, but I did turn it into a necklace. And that picture is now my official profile picture in a whole lot of places. Top Right: Garth had to go to the vet for some dry eye issues on Saturday Bottom Right: I finally started working on a needle felting kit I bought many years ago, and I’m really enjoying it
Last Monday it felt like things were taking a much needed turn for the better. I’d seen the doc, my meds had been increased, life was looking up. And then around 3pm I started having really strange chest pain.
Before you freak out, I need to explain that when I say “chest pain” what I truly mean is that I was experiencing pains in the chest region of my body – not pain indicative of something like a heart attack.
Honestly, it was kind of like having the physical manifestations that go along with a wicked anxiety attack but none of the mental anguish that will typically go along with it. But some of the pain would come suddenly and feel like being kicked in the chest by an angry donkey.
I reached out to one of my friends in a neighboring office and asked if she could help get me home, just to be safe. She and another friend got me and my car home, I called and left a message with my psychiatrist, Lancelot made sure my resting heart rate was fine, and once I’d be home for awhile it subsided. Again, mentally through all of this, I felt just fine.
In the morning it was still there, not as bad, but kind of lingering. I took a rare sick day and managed to get an appointment to see my GP. My blood pressure was great, resting heart rate was great, everything seemed fine. So she did an EKG and a chest x-ray – which were also fine. Her best guess, and it’s truly just a guess, is that the increased anxiety medication dose is just too much of an increase and caused a bodily reaction, so the recommendation was to back the dose down.
I’ve done that, and it has indeed helped. But that leaves me with a bit of a conundrum. Do I put myself in a position to have the mental anguish of the stress and anxiety of dealing with my work situation without the extra medication OR do I take the extra medication to help with the anxiety and deal with feeling like I’m being kicked in the chest by a donkey?
For now what I’ve been doing is taking the increased morning and night doses and skipping the midday dose. I’ve got extra pills in my backpack, and fortunately this will kick in quickly, so if I know I’m going to have a meeting that’s likely to cause my some anxiety I can take one, or if I’m starting to feel extra stress I have them with me. For now I seem to be doing fairly well.
The good thing, as I see it that’s come out of this anyway, is that I got a new Fitbit. And I’m trying to do a better job of keeping track of a few things in terms of my health. It’s a process and I’m a work in progress, as it should be.
randomly erin 